I think they could have phrased this better
![]()
You Might Also Like
robber: empty the register now
me: sir this is a motel
robber: hurry up
me: ok *opens binder, starts erasing names*
MOVIE IDEA: Jurassic Park, but the fences all work and everyone just has a really lovely time.
13: Can I have the password for Amazon?
Me: Certainly, honey. Ready?
13: Yep
Me: I-N-Y-O-U-R-D-R-E-A-M-S
Needed 3 tickets to something and my husband bought 4 so he doesn’t have to set next to anyone.
Me: Did you look in your purse?
Her: OF COURSE I LOOKED IN MY PURSE, I’M NOT AN IDIOT!
Me:
Her: [looking in purse] You’re not going to believe this…
We’ve got to stop looking at legumes and thinking “I could milk that”
in the song “the final countdown” they do not actually count down, thus invalidating the basis of the song. furthermore,
The hurt I feel when someone leaves the bus seat next to mine for a newly empty one is almost exactly equal to my annoyance when they don’t.
The Internet is like my My Brain – filled with shopping and porn
My upstairs neighbours at 6 am:
“AND NOW IT IS TIME FOR THE CEREMONIAL REARRANGING OF THE BOULDERS”
a house doesn’t have to be haunted to scare me, I’ve seen the listing prices.
can’t wait for 65 million years after we’re extinct and whatever race is in charge makes human-shaped chicken nuggets
I’m not saying my wife orders a lot from Amazon but one of their drivers sent us a wedding invitation.
My husband says how much he loves my cooking by having poison control on speed dial.
20YR OLD ME: awww yeah! a new car!
30YR OLD ME: aww yeah! a new Xbox 360!
40YR OLD ME: aw yeah! a new shower curtain with a mildew-resistant liner!
let us all return to a simpler time, such as when i believed astroturf was farmed in space and brought to earth
I haven’t worn corduroys since the great chafing incident in 92.
I got chased by two Canadian geese today. I know they were Canadian because when they realized I was genuinely scared, they apologized.
My suspicious mole cancelled my appointment with a dermatologist.
drew a comic about my origin story
![]()
Chinese food – $25
Delivery fee – $3.99
Realizing they forgot a container – riceless
GREAT day volunteering at the library! Noticed a local youth reading a book called “Moby D*ck” so I confiscated it before it could corrupt his innocent mind. Then I found a fun book about laughing out loud called LOLita and gave him that instead. I LOVE keeping young minds pure!
Chief cop: “This might be racially motivated.”
Ian: “Hate crime?”
Chief cop: “We all hate crime, Ian. That’s why we are cops.”
can’t believe I got front row seats
![]()
Me: It’s not how often you fall down, it’s how many times you get up that matters.
Cop: That’s not how field sobriety tests work.
why is everyone concerned about dying alone i don’t even want people to see me eating spaghetti
Love means never having to say you’re sorry.
…so does murder.
me: how did he die?
him: he was trampled by a gang of elephants
me: a parade
him: no it’ll just be a regular funeral
As part of our environmental commitment, we recycled* 84 tons of aluminium, 6 tons of rubber, 5 tons of glass and 14 miles of wiring just this morning alone.
*a plane missed the runway
My neighbors have both a howling dog and a screaming baby out in their yard. I’d throw a rock or something but I’m afraid I’d hit the dog.