I think they could have phrased this better
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It’s a beautiful sunny Friday and the only way I could be less productive is if I deleted my work from yesterday
Most people have 32 teeth. Some have 10.
Simple meth.
Hi Walmart, I don’t think mushrooms will work.
I have a PhD in minding my own business. I’m an uninterestedologist.
WHY would you be happy about this?
Look, if you need a heimlich, just ask me nicely, enough of this flapping your arms and making faces shit.
I was thinking about how the cat seems to spend nearly all day in my bed. Maybe from her perspective it’s her bed and I just take the night shift.
Keep your friends zoned and your enemies zoneder
My very religious-minded FB friend posted that she and her daughter were going to Netflix and chill today. I don’t have the heart to tell her.
Sorry I declined your Facebook friend request, but I can’t have those sideburns popping up in my news feed unannounced.
A large account followed me to thank me for a trophy through DM, then immediately unfollowed me. It must be exhausting to be Twitter elite.
Dear whoever chalks my final outline… A little off the belly would be much appreciated.
me: [getting down on one knee] i’ve wanted to ask you since we met
her:
me: [rolling into a ball] do you like my impression of a grape
I’m not looking for the woman who reads 50 Shades of Grey. I’m looking for the one that finds it boring.
My coworkers have such cute nicknames for me, like “The one who eats all the donuts” and “Don’t tell her there’s pizza in the kitchen”.
:# <— emoticon for “I’m eating a brillo pad”
You drink WAY too much, and you have questionable morals . . .
me talking to myself in the mirror before going out at night .
Predict the weather? How about you predict the lottery numbers, you chubby little rodent
i don’t really hate you but if you were falling off a cliff
i would be waving good bye
Ever send the wrong emoji and end up with a wife and 2 kids.
I fear that one day I’ll click on “Forgot password?” and it will say “We’re not telling you. This is going to be a learning experience.”
“LOOK AT MY ASSHOLE.” -Cats
According to a recent survey, 100% of HR agree that I’m not allowed to take money out of the swear jar to throw at my co-workers.
Every time I pull a gun at the bank, the tellers act so stuck up.
I bought a bag of top soil to repair my lawn and as I was leaving, the cashier yelled “GOOD LUCK WITH YOUR HOLE!”
SCAM ALERT: if on Halloween someone leaves a large wooden horse outside your door, DO NOT bring it inside. it is a TRICK not a TREAT
I like to pack a healthy lunch for work so that by 3 p.m. I’m ready to do unspeakable things for a piece of chocolate.
Sometimes I think my toddlers are smart
Other times they throw tantrums because they get their fingers stuck
In their other hand
She once called me bae so I had to baeurry her in my backyard..