i think they should have thrown one avenger in with all the scientists in oppenheimer. just one little tiny scene where oppenheimer, feynmann, and fermi are sitting around like “well, what do you think, Ant Man?”
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The movie ‘Up’ is utter bullshit. I tied 57,000 balloons to my house & my wife didn’t die.
The new jumper I bought kept picking up static electricity, so I took it back and they exchanged it for another one free of charge.
Mechanic: Your car won’t pass inspection
Me: Here’s $20 to look the other way
Mechanic [looking other way]: Your car won’t pass inspection
i find it kind of funny / i find it kind of sad / the dreams i have most often are weird picnics with my Dad
Went to the farmers market this morning but they didn’t have any farmers I liked
I see it’s garbage day on twitter again.
gf: u wanna put something dirty on tv
me: *seductively drapes my socks on television*
Accidentally used a toe of newt and eye of frog and now Kermit wears a monocle.
curiouse george 2: 2 fast 2 curious
I hate when you meet a new person and you like them, I mean I’m maxed out with 3 friends right now and having a 4th just seems like it’ll eat into nap time
Legalize drugs. Criminalize dumbasses.
Not sure if I should be more concerned about the son who locked me out of my bedroom today, or the one who showed me how to pick the lock.
Dear 16, There are other ways to meet girls besides backing your car into theirs. Love, Exasperated Mom
If you go to jail for tax evasion, you are living off taxes for not paying taxes.
To someone this means ‘A new start’. To everyone else, it doesn’t.
ME: I’m so nervous. It’s my first day on the job. I definitely fibbed on my qualifications to get this job. Hope I can figure it out before I mess up.
CO-PILOT: …What?
Are “authorities” ever not ” baffled?”
*answering phone* Mom you know instead of calling me you can just text, it’s easier.
*gets text from Mom* It’s your mother. Call me.
yea yea make ur OJ jokes but remember…ur friends who committed double homicide and were acquitted due to flawed prosecution and the backdrop of mounting racial tensions can also see the jokes 🙁
Me: Okay, now do one where I pretend to accept the award for best actress!!
Booking Police Officer: …
My new oil business is a nonprofit but only because I’m not making any money and just buying yachts.
“This is your raise. Please keep it confidential.”
“Don’t worry. I’m as ashamed of it as you are.”
People who spend their lives complaining how other people are doing nothing productive for society are doing nothing productive for society.
MY LAST MEAL ON DEATH ROW WILL BE RICE CAKES CAUSE THEY NEVER FILL ME UP AND I’LL JUST KEEP EATING UNTIL ALL THE GUARDS DIE
Me, looking for my phone: *calls it 5 times*
Me, finding my phone: Wow! I have 5 missed calls.
My mother-in-law came over and made me dinner, and now I’m wondering if I should have married her instead.
Never go out with a flight attendant,
all you’ll get for breakfast is a bag of peanuts and instant coffee.
Tried to take a drink of water while lying flat on floor and was immediately reminded of my place in the universe.