Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

GUY WHO INVENTED CELEBRATING BIRTHDAYS: *is born* Ok wow like what an accomplishment
MOTHER: For me?
GUY: N- HELL no. For me. Please shut up

No one shot Rick Ross – when you’re that big you’re BOUND to be hit by a random stray bullet now and then

the problem with buying a lovely loaf of bread is you then need to eat it in three days. toast for breakfast, sandwiches for lunch, toast for dinner, bread for a snack, bread in salad, bread as a hat, make a bread friend called bread and spend the night watching bread together

Thoughts and prayers for this lady who tried to make her purse lighter by throwing out a couple of visiting cards.

I was introduced to a baby recently by her parents; the mother told me “she doesn’t do anything, or know anything”

When I was younger, I’d sit in class and think “Ugh, when am I ever going to need to know this stuff in the REAL world??” But then I grew up and discovered that I actually do have to play hot cross buns on the recorder like almost every day.

“When a girl says ‘Awww Thanks!’, it means she’s politely asking you to return to the friend zone that you just tried to escape from.”

[on a first date]

Her: Have you ate here before?

Me: Yeah, my wife and I come here all the time

nasa employee: oh hey u guys are back early

astronaut: moon’s haunted

nasa employee: what?

astronaut: *loading a pistol and getting back on the rocket-ship* moon’s haunted

If Alexa is really “watching” everything I do, then why doesn’t she help a sister out and block her credit card after 10pm?!?!

Your personality finally matches your looks. That’s not a compliment.

My pregnant friends put me in charge of their gender reveal party

I can’t wait till they pop the balloon & find out they’re having a kraken

Effort made

I put cucumbers, lemons, lime, and mint leaves in my water today thinking I was fancy…my one student gonna yell out and say “Ms. Luck got a salad in her water”
*students erupt in laughter*

They saddled up the horses and headed into town. The hills were quiet and ominous. A lone coyote howled. An owl hooted. Crickets chirped. An eagle made an eagle scream. A rattlesnake rattled. A hissing beetle made a sound that was indescribable

I can’t wait til my kids become adults so I can go over their houses & throw clean laundry all over the floor.

How to calm a crying baby:
1. Pick it up.
2. Ok, so when it turns like 5 you can put it back down. Good luck.

Want to get rid of your boyfriend without killing him?
Send him to the grocery store for water chestnuts.
Mine has been gone 5 months.

Still far too much of my kitchen cupboard space is taken up by ingredients that I needed 5g of for a recipe that I made once 9 years ago, which tasted awful.

The hardest part of potty training my puppy is shitting outside with him so he can learn how to

My son had to pick his towel up off the floor today. Apparently he’s forced to do everything around here.

*beep
TSA: here try again
*beep
TSA: here try again
*beep
TSA: here try again
ME: WTF?
TSA: Sorry dude it was my watch. Here’s your pants.

I once read a book about an assassin that would identify at least 5 items in any room that he could use to kill everyone else in the room with him if need be.
When I enter a room I identify at least 5 places I could take a nap if I need to.

Fun fact: zombies actually walk normal when they’re drunk

I hate it when after installing a new app, it automatically puts it on the home screen. Like no. You have to earn that place. Now sit back down.

teacher: sometimes i think you’re failing spelling on purpose. but what’s the angle

me: that thing with the harp and wings

teacher: never mind

4: How do you spell no?

Me: Sound it out. What makes the na na na na na na na na na sound?

4: Batman?

(Spelling is hard)

Me: So, what are your thoughts?
Therapist: Well, I think you may have some boundary issues.
Me: [In his lap] Are you saying I’m fat?!