I think they should use stronger sealant on cookie packaging so at least you get a decent workout before eating the entire box.
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The early bird gets the worm but the early worm gets eaten, so… I choose sleep.
no!! no!!!!!!
There is no greater lie than “if you tell the truth, I won’t get mad.”
2010: Didn’t jog
2011: Didn’t jog
2012: Didn’t jog
2013: Didn’t jog
2014: Haven’t jogged~ This is a running joke
PitbullPhobia: An extreme or irrational fear of singing alone.
So in The Matrix they feed you the liquified remains of the dead through a tube but you get to sleep and be online all day? I’m listening.
ME: but I got to the buffet before anyone else
MANAGER: that’s not how the first responder discount works
priest: your mission should you choose to accept it, is to face your fate
groom: can you please stop saying that
“It’s a bird!”
[Superman zooms down to inches away from the screaming guy’s face]
S: Birds can’t go that fast Sean. What are you an idiot
If you ever see a get rich quick scheme, that’s someone else trying to get rich quick off you.
“Don’t look a gift horse in the mouth,” I whisper as I discover my strange mole is actually a half melted chocolate chip.
Librarian “SHHHHH”
*Turns lawnmower to low setting*
I dream of writing a fat woman’s cookbook. I’ll call it, “50 Shades of Gravy.”
Everyone’s a gangster until they have to roll forward while sitting in an office chair.
Can’t believe I’ve already spent $500 on mayonnaise this year.
Me: *looking in my closet* I have nothing to wear
Murderer: *cramped inside* agree to disagree
Her idea of extending an olive branch was to sharpen one end first, then extend it REALLY hard.
Oh no, I accidentally drove over my neighbor’s creepy garden gnome 12 times.
Cost me $200 to fill up my tank tonight. Don’t know why I bought a tank, so impractical.
Blending in with the normals like:
Her: A baby! Oh he’s so cute I want to pinch his cheeks! Can I hold him?
Her: Oh my God I could just eat him up!
Me: I also wish to cannibalize the infant
Superman could shit sauerkraut and they’d still love him. But when I do it, everyone’s like “gross katie”, and “now you’ve ruined the hot tub for all of us”.
When I write “I hope this email finds you well” I’m referring to the email’s skills in tracking you down.
Welcome to HouseHunters. Brenda sells keychains on Etsy and Keith shoots birds at the airport.
They have a budget of $430,000…
HER: i love mythology
ME: *sensing an opportunity* i love your thology too
here we see Penny the diving kitty mid-triple pike, let’s see if she lands this one Steve
#NeverForget
I told my American cousin this is what police cars in Scotland sound like
Cucumbers Anonymous
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, we’re still well below my average.
This place has ruined me, I watched my mate trip and comically fall to the ground and my first reactions were: giggle and yell “parkour”.