I think they’ve made more Kung-Fu Panda movies in the last 20 years than they’ve made actual pandas
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independence day 2 has been out in the US for mere hours and it has already been upstaged by a somehow even worse independence day overseas
Dads love saying, “I can see 3 eggs from where I’m standing that you haven’t found yet.”
Me: I’m really at the end of my rope
Executioner: HOW ARE YOU TALKING
ME: come here honey
HER: [yelling from the kitchen] i’m busy
ME: do you need anything from Amazon?
HER: [0.1 seconds later] i have a list
I like to wait to board the plane so the person seated next to me thinks they’ll have extra space and then I come in right before the door closes and ruin their lives
– at a ramen restaurant –
Me: slurp
Me: sluuurp
Me: slur-
Friend: stop, the food isn’t even here yet
Me: im practicing leave me alone
Marked safe from having the gene that causes people to maniacally clean their house when they find out that someone is coming over to visit. I cannot say the same is true for my wife.
If I was a snake and I owned a ship I’d call it the S.S. SSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS.
“Your package is running late and no one is more surprised and upset than we are.”
—Lies Amazon tells me.
Mulder: we’re trapped with ghosts in the stomach of a metal worm.
Scully: those are just people, Mulder. We’re on a train.
We live by the school and my tween’s friends keep dropping by for food. Like I’m a full blown adult and somehow middle schoolers are still taking my lunch.
I trace wine labels in crayon and hang them from our fridge magnets; people think we have disturbingly gifted children.
“Dad this is serious I’m in jail”
Hi serious this is dad
“Dad! Be serious! Wait NO!”
HI SERIOUS THIS IS SERIOUS!
Communing with the fog in the woods, anyone need anything?
[cats] think i’ll go to another part of the house and scream at god
Having a child in your house is like having a sticky poltergeist. Fingerprints everywhere. Shit disappears and reappears at random times and places. Not to mention the odd, seemingly disembodied wailing
This is my emotional support online shopping cart
*feels the wind in my toe hair
Women will never truly be equal as long as they’re smarter than men.
Me: I must warn you, I’m like an animal in bed.
Her: That’s fine by me!
*burrows under the covers and falls asleep at the foot of the bed*
If you made me mad in the 90s, I’d pickup up the landline while you were on the internet
I’m not heartless. It’s just in a different purse at the bottom of the closet.
Shouldn’t women have a girlnecologist?
I like slipping notes into suggestion boxes saying things like “send for help, i’m stuck in this suggestion box”
Cats don’t have owners, cats take people hostage in order to feed them …
[Airport Bar]
Me: I’ll have a beer, please.
Bartender: That’ll be $45.
Me: Worth it.
“My god…we’re monsters,” I murmured to a local monster, who nodded sympathetically
Me: Of all my kids, you’re my favorite
12: I’m your only kid
Me: Well that attitude won’t keep you in the top spot for long
If I’m ever feeling lost and alone, I know the second I shove way too much food in my mouth, people will miraculously pop out of nowhere.
Don’t you hate when you do something out of the kindness of your heart & someone gets upset because you shoved a pack of gum in their mouth?