I think they’ve made more Kung-Fu Panda movies in the last 20 years than they’ve made actual pandas
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I only sleep with people who make me laugh.
Luckily, I find myself hilarious.
I can’t stand fake people.
Unless you’re with me and we are faking that we are sober for a cop.
Then you need to be Oscar winning fake.
i can’t believe adam and eve had to leave the garden of eden over an apple. if it were a better fruit like a mango or a peach I would understand but an apple?
“Are you fine being hugged while you pee?” is a question someone should’ve asked me before I had kids.
Me: You know, in the 70s everyone wanted shag carpet, but now all they seem to want is smooth wood or tile floors.
My Brother: You’re not talking about flooring, are you.
Me: Nope.
When I was little I asked God for a bike. He didn’t deliver so I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness instead.
Never eat anything Mario cooks for you. Dude runs around in sewer pipes all day and never washes his hands
Twitter: What do our users want?
Users: An edit button and relief from spam/abuse.
Twitter: Novella-length Tweets it is!
I asked the cashier if she could validate my parking. “You park real good,” she said.
listen, Geppetto made a marionette to replace his dead son, so technically Pinocchio is “mourning wood.”
Those magical three words you’ve been waiting so long to hear. Red, or white?
Thanks a lot bathroom doors with the gender written in weird symbols. I just want to pee, not solve a sudoku puzzle.
crazy how I used to get arrested for getting drunk outdoors and now it’s pretty much encouraged
Uses power washer to clean food stained Tupperware.
it’s cool when my one dog shits the other one has to go and inspect it like “just as i suspected guys. it’s shit.”
*malia passes me a joint* thanks obama
At what point were people buying hotcakes so fast it set the bar?
7yo: Who’s older: you or dad?
Me: Dad.
7: Then how come you look older?
Me: Santa’s not real.
Someone has just suggested that when we check-in cases, we should put a label on them that states their destination. Absolute game changer.
Judge, “Why are you holding a fire extinguisher?”
Me, “Your Honor, it’s for our protection. The witness won’t stop lying and I am afraid we may need this at any moment.”
A haunted house but for awkward interactions. Someone pops out at you and you’re like “nice to meet you” and they’re like “haha actually we’ve already met”
Every time you hire a clown for a kid’s birthday party, a therapist gets a new car.
Remember kids, you only burn in hell if you are religious.
Stealthily I approach the deer, removing an arrow from my quiver
Deer: I can see you AND you’re literally saying that out loud
[guy running at me with a machete]
wonder what this fella wants
Husband Bear: Honey! I’m home!
Wife Bear: For God’s sake, would you at LEAST say hello before demanding dinner?
🥴😂
It’s not you.
Just the things you say, think, and do.
So we’re agreed: if that balloon flies over any of us, we moon it like it’s 1978
I plan to say ridiculous things to people all day, but it’s totally OK cuz I’m gonna say, “no offense” afterwards.