Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Monsters can’t hide under my bed. That’s where my cats have their fight club.

I’ve eaten about half a case of Skinny Pop this morning. How long does it take to start working?

As my dog lovingly stares at me as I’m buzzed out on cold meds, I wonder if he can drive a stick shift and go get me some Doritos.

Things Ted Cruz and I have in common:
1. Love butter
2. Shy eyes
3. Resurrected from the grave during satanic bloodmoon ritual
4. Brown hair

*Sucks spider up in vacuum*

*panics*

*breaks a glass to vacuum up and finish him off*

Alexa: *deep breath*

I’m thinking of taking my Twitter down, and @all_tweet_calls too. I probably can’t, I’m probably addicted, and I know it’s a running joke that people will say they’re deactivating & then come back.

But the haters are really getting to me.

1/

Number one rule as a snake charmer, never fall in love.

If I had $5 (inflation) every single time an older woman started the “I’m his wife, we’ve been married x amount of years, you can talk to me” fight, I’d have enough money to buy this app and give it it’s old name back.

professor x: what’s your power?

me: i’m extremely flexible

professor x: [looks at watch] oh shit i have another meeting, can we reschedule?

me: no problem

Whole Foods announced that a Prius left their lights on in the parking lot and now I have the store all to myself.

#parenting

Planning on buying my daughter a Volvo so she’s safe but with a mismatched door so she gets the struggle.

Im gonna tell my daughter to lay off the liquor, cause I love her! (…and I dont want her to mess up her kidneys before I need one)

wtf management?!

Kid: I don’t like mac-n-cheese anymore.

DENIAL: You still like it.
ANGER: YOU WILL EAT IT!
DEPRESSION: *crying*
BARGAINING: If you eat it, you can have dessert.
ACCEPTANCE: I will make you chicken nuggets.

Kid: I don’t like chicken nuggets anymore.

The wife: what do you want for Christmas, sky is the limit
Me: new boat
The wife: lower sky

Whenever somebody says “it is what it is” I reply with “and it’s not what it’s not” so they’ll realize just how stupid they sounded

Me: coming to the office Xmas party?
Steve: no [whispers] Lisa just lost her father
Me: there’ll be like 50 of us there. We’ll help you look

Her: I love you so much
Me: Hey, *puts my hand on her shoulder* we all make mistakes sometimes.

ME: if you’re under my roof you follow my rules
SON: fine
ME: well?
SON: *sighs* a ninja turtle could beat up a transformer
ME: thank you

I let a girl go through my phone recently so a colonoscopy really doesn’t scare me anymore

If you hold the door open for me when I’m more than ten feet away, you aren’t doing me a favor. You’re making me exercise.

me: how is your pancake, bud?

3yo, rubbing the pancake on his face: it’s soft

Reset Password

‘CargoAndBoxer’

Your password is two shorts

Called it

Avril Lavigne: He was a boy. She was a girl. Can I make it any more obvious?

Me: Yes you could. That is incredibly vague.

Get on your knees. Crawl towards me.

Look under the couch. I think I lost the remote under there.

Fake nerd girl: I love Star Wars! I’m a big fan!
True fan: Oh yeah? Harass five cast members. I’ll wait

I get you, container ship stuck in the Suez.

I can’t fit into most things I used to anymore, either.