I think they’ve made more Kung-Fu Panda movies in the last 20 years than they’ve made actual pandas
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Me screaming at the pollen on my walk before work this morning
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My mom used to get me to ring her phone when she couldn’t find it, and then she’d pick the phone up and be like oh Sarah sorry I missed your call
Thanks autocorrect. I wanted her to know that I shaved my duck.
In the wake of inflation, and the conflict in Eastern Europe, the Germans are predicting a shortage of sausage and cheese. They’re formulating a plan for it, which they’re calling the würst/käse scenario
My two favorite things about Easter morning are (1) hiding the eggs and (2) the looks on my kids’ faces when the snakes start to hatch.
I will disappear on you at a party and show up 3 hours later with bruises, no phone and a goat.
What a website
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My boss just sent me a text that she’ll be driving by in 15 minutes. Idk what she wants me to do with this info but I turned all of the lights off and unplugged the Christmas tree.
It was when I stabbed a Capri Sun perfectly the first time, right in that grey circle, that I knew I wanted to be an assassin.
Hell hath no fury like a woman who told you to kill a spider then realized you used her shoe
Do you really think cats would have anything to do with us if they could open cans of cat food by themselves?
My dog has been sleeping on the floor right below me so if I get off the couch he knows that I’ve moved. He’s been lying there for 5 hours. We’re both dedicated to our lifestyles
To all the people with grammatical issues, don’t worry, I also have problems with badly timed periods. 
Server: Would you like another glass of wine?
Me: I’m sorry, I don’t have time
Server: For the wine?
Me: No, for silly questions
Cargo pants imply the existence of passenger pants.
“Do you have at least 15 tattoos?” – final question at interview to work in a kitchen in 2013
Based on my hair this morning . I think I might be a muppet .
It’s nice that my vacuum has a headlight just in case I want to clean in the dark or wake my dog up thinking he’s getting hit by a train.
The gym I never go to closed, so now I’ll have to not go to a different one.
son: dad, why didn’t you want to cut the umbilical cord when I was born?
me: [doing jump rope between him and my wife] it’s called planning ahead, son
Driving mom somewhere: 45 min monolog on health troubles of people I never met
Driving dad somewhere: 43 min of silence; 2 min on gas prices
They say all good things must come to an end…
After 7 wonderful years of marriage…
I walked in on my wife…
Watching Twilight..
Look, Facebook, I don’t care that someone has “added to their story” unless they’re posting from the trunk of a car.
Just drove past a new typewriter repair shop…
That’s not a front for anything illegal I’m sure…
The funniest thing about Batman is that he legitimately doesn’t give a shit about crime that happens during the day.
Tape a terrible drawing of a refrigerator onto your child.
[ speed dating ]
Her: Tell me one interesting fact about you.
Me: Well, it was nice meeting you. Have a good evening.
It takes a smoke detector 4 months to stop beeping if you were wondering how lazy I am.
My 7-year-old texted me to ask when my birthday is, which would be cute except I think she’s trying to steal my identity.
*downloading the new earthquake warning app*
*setting to vibrate mode*