“I think this cereal has gone bad.” *me drunk, eating Meow Mix*
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Take your girl camping and your relationship will become more in tents.
Not Sorry.
6-year-old: I have a spelling test tomorrow.
Me: What do you have to spell?
6: Words, probably.
James Blunt: you’re beautiful
James Blunter: I’ve seen better
Me: What are you doing?
Wife: One of those online trivia things…tells you what Disney Princess you are.
Me: I’ll save you the trouble…You’re whichever one is Frozen.
Wife:
vegan witches, happy halloween!
Life is stupid. You can ACCIDENTALLY make a baby but you can’t ACCIDENTALLY make a cake.
Ate an entire pool noodle all by myself.
No YOU are a drama queen said the fainting goat to the opossum.
I was served a subpoena. I distinctly remember ordering a cheeseburger.
If my body was covered entirely in eyeballs, I still couldn’t look at you enough.
*me being romantic*
My favourite part of football is when they feed the players water like they’re hamsters
It’s funny how my doorbell starts working when I’m expecting a pizza delivery.
My entry to the federal duck stamp art contest did not win.
NEW! “How to Act” DVD by Kristen Stewart!
In love:
😐
Uncertain:
😐
Just married:
😐
Pregnant:
😐
Dead:
😐
Only $139.95! Act now!
Dinner: I BIT THE INSIDE OF MY MOUTH! IT WILL NEVER HEAL! NOTHING WILL EVER BE RIGHT AGAIN!
Next morning: Oh, OK.
My laptop: *memory is low*
Me, in my 40’s: “you and me both, buddy”
That mini-heartattack you get when you sport a typo in your tweet.
(Halloween Costume Shop)
ME: *leaving after not finding anything*
CASHIER: *pointing to my face* Those masks aren’t free, buddy.
Geography FACT: The world’s second highest mountain is called Everer.
my glass coffin company “remains to be seen” is not doing as well as i thought it would.
A horror story:
You are enjoying a quiet night with a glass of wine on the couch when, suddenly, the phone rings.
That’s it that’s the whole story.
I wish Adele would hurry up and put out another album so I could end this relationship.
After hitting that pothole I can see spring’s in the air…along with a wheel and the rest of my suspension.
JOB INTERVIEWER: can you explain this gap in your resume
ME: yes its 7pts tall, separates two sections in a visually pleasing way, and aligns to a carefully proportioned grid
INTERVIEWER: no, i mean here where it says you didn’t work for two years
ME: i.. was designing my resume
A new hipster coffee shop in my hood doesn’t have wifi b/c it wants to encourage talking…presumably about the failure of this coffee shop.
The movie “Up” could never have been filmed today…
Spiders are all like, “I’m gonna build my home right above this dude’s head.”
Her (gently shaking me awake): “Did you know you grind your teeth in your sleep?”
Me (removing mouth guard): “Firstly, yes that’s why I wear this.
Secondly, you shouldn’t be talking to me now.
And thirdly, you need to get back behind the yellow line when I’m driving this bus.”
“Finally, Avengers time baby!! Been waiting so long to watch this. Nothing could ruin this moment for…”
[Neil Degrasse Tyson sits next to me holding a huge notepad]