“I think this cereal has gone bad.” *me drunk, eating Meow Mix*
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Forgive me father for I have sinned, last week I hissed at 47 people because I like to pretend I’m a mean cat
Me: I need to lose my baby weight.
Diet coach: Awww, how old is your youngest?
Me: Thirteen.
A dressed cheeseburger implies the existence of a cheeseburger that’s still deciding what to wear.
Any day now, there will be a country song called “(He broke up with me from) 6 Feet Apart”.
My granddaughter told me that her boss wanted her to sign up for a 401k but she told him that there was no way she could run that far.
TENNIS BOYFRIEND: You deserve love
TENNIS GIRLFRIEND: That’s so mean
me: ah, now I will drift gently off to dreamland.
refrigerator: I SHALL MAKE US SOME ICE CUBES
I’ve never seen a workplace Hanukkah display that didn’t shout, “We legally had to do this.”
There aren’t enough love songs about the moment you see your luggage appear at baggage claim.
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Girl: I’m an alcoholic
Me: Ok, but I can only afford one.
*looks at the customer behind me in the checkout line*
“Wanna hold hands while we wait?”
Fuck cryptocurrency I want cryptidcurrency
I wanna buy illegal shit off the dark web with pictures of Bigfoot
Deeply concerning if literal: Last Christmas I gave you my heart.
I’ve been “watching my weight” and, rest assured, it’s still there.
Me: His palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy, there’s vomit on his sweater already, mom’s spaghetti
Build a bear employee: no we have nothing like that
Between the polyester and hairspray, it’s surprising more people didn’t spontaneously combust in the 80s.
*shakes brain like an Etch-A-Sketch*
{Signing up for anything}
THEM: And what is the best way to contact you?
ME: The best way?
THEM: Yes, the way you prefer.
ME: Oh then the way I prefer is that you do not contact me.
Me: Magic 8-Ball, will I ever find true love?
Cantaloupe: Maybe if you lay off the drugs.
*notices battery is at 4%*
*goes into airplane mode*
*turns down brightness*
*exits all apps*
*prays to jesus and compliments his sandals*
Damn boy! What’s your zodiac sign? Bc I think we should make that Sagittariuu into SagittariUS
Oh you’re a Leo? Le OH ..where are you going?
a trio of sheep gather to watch as you sit upon the fence to eat your lunch
What kind of losers are sitting home and tweeting on a Friday night?!?!
Oh, wait…never mind.
*God, watching me lying in bed while eating a pile of doritos I spilled on my chest*
probably could’ve just made that one a mollusk
Cover letter? Here’s my resume twice.
My doctor told me I needed a brain MRI.
My wife assured me they wouldn’t find anything.
I have 2 small kids, so yes, I bought the Costco-size box of Snackpack chocolate pudding…
to hide in the back of the fridge & eat alone
*both typing*
5:02pm
you: babe i love you5:02pm
me: do you think shark pee is what makes the ocean salty
What do the movies Titanic and the Sixth Sense have in common? I see dead people. Get it? Icy dead people?
Happy Dad Joke weekend
My neighbors act like they’ve never seen a grown man watering flowers in a speedo.