“I think this chlorine is healing my anal fissure.” – Things not to say in a swimming pool. Apparently.
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Day 3 of weight loss challenge: all my coworkers look like tacos. I do not understand how the meat remains in the shell as they walk around.
Got a new high score on my bathroom scale
My son asked me
“Where does poo come from?”
I was a little uncomfortable but gave him an honest explanation.
He looked a little perplexed, and stared at me in stunned silence for a few seconds and asked, “And Tigger?”
Got my daughter a one-dollar gift card to the Dollar Store and told her to get whatever she wants.
*checks sons backpack to see how I did on his project*
We’re just two people shitting in side by side stalls waiting for the other person to go out so we don’t have to show our face
cause of death:
autopsy.
Sometimes you’re the cat’s meow, sometimes you’re the hairball.
[my kids walk in on me being murdered]
ME: call 911
KIDS: ok but then will you get us a snack?
If you look up the word “not a virgin” in the dictionary, it’s a picture of me wearing a sick leather jacket.
a pez dispenser but for teeny tiny eclairs
me: *applies to cult*
cult: no thx
Walk around with the same confidence of a toddler who has chosen their own clothes.
I have this really hot fantasy about having sex in…
… my lifetime.
[Death row]
Him: Last meal request please.
Me: Wendy’s cheeseburger, fries and Coke.
Him: That stuff kills you know.
Me: Fine. Diet Coke.
Thank God for butter because without butter all butterflies would be just flies and that sounds terrible.
Donald Trump’s campaign is basically that thing where you say the wrong answer in Pictionary then just keep saying it louder and louder
[approaches parent with child on a leash]
“Mind if I pet your dog?”
Hey that’s my son!
“Oh my bad. Mind if I pet your son?”
FRIEND FROM COLLEGE: After I sold my tech company, I moved to France where I met my wife, Juliette. We have three beautiful kids and run a bed & breakfast in Paris.
ME: Remember how I used to like creamy peanut butter? Now I like chunky
Apparently when a potential employer asks you “where do you see yourself in five years?”, “I’m hoping to have found Bigfoot by then” isn’t the answer they’re looking for.
“This movie is intended for 18+ viewers.” Bro, I don’t have 17 friends to watch this with.
Every time I tell my lab puppy to “drop it!” I hope it’s going to be a rock or a Hot Wheels car or a piece of mulch and not a whole live frog like it was last week
The struggle between wanting a hot body or a hot fudge sundae is real.
Sometimes the best questions do not have immediate answers
Remember: You can kill someone and wear their skin as a suit, but it’s not identity theft until you use their debit card. Be smart about it.
[God making sausages]
Angel: What’s next?
God: Take these extra parts, grind them up and stuff them in a casing
*1 angel faints, 2 vomit*
Dumped girl on The Bachelor: “What’s wrong with me?”
Well, Lindsay, you’re on a TV show to find a husband. What ISN’T wrong with you?
me: if dracula bit jesus would he get drunk
priest: i’m going to have to check with the vatican and get back to you
Your fancy knocking pattern isn’t going to entice me into answering the door, either.
I was working in the yard.
Out of the corner of my eye I saw a snake.
I hit it with a shovel.
I’m happy to report the garden hose is dead