“I think this ice cream is spoiled.”
*me drunk, eating mayonnaise*
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a little girl walked up to me at the grocery store calling me “mommy” and her dad came up behind her and said “no she’s at home why am i not enough” LMAOOOOOOOO
THERAPIST: What do you wish for?
WIFE: That we become closer again & [smiles at me] focus on the important things
ME: For the dog to talk
heres my To Do List – become the new kfc colonel, mess with texas, invent a new animal just to piss off scientists
Overheard in 2nd grade class today:
“Do your work! Santa’s watching right now.”
“Yeah, my mom told me that ship has sailed for me long ago.”
I thought a man was in my house.
Turns out the air freshener had just squirted before I walked in.
Morning sickness, but instead of being pregnant you just find mornings repulsive.
Her: You know, alot of men are going to be miserable when I marry.
Me: Well how many men do you plan to marry?
Just got myself some new
memory foam shoes.Maybe now I’ll remember
why I walked in the room.
Seriously, if I were a manager at Burger King, my answer to every complaint would be, “You’re at Burger King.”
Him: The ceiling is dripping water!!
Me: No, that’s just God crying.
*panics thinking about the ice castle I built for my stolen penguin*
me when I see my crush
[googling recipes for success and checking the cupboard]
well I hope it calls for a 3 yr old bag of marshmallows
my brain: eat
me: okay, what should we make
my brain: no make, only eat
*knocks on bathroom stall wall*
Forgive me father, for I have sinned.
“Huh? What?”
It’s been 3 days since my last-
[sound of diarrhea]
This is Bill
Bill has a wife
Bill isn’t scared of his wife & says what he wants when he..This is Bill’s wife
Bill is no longer available
Hypnotist: you’re feeling very sleepy
Parents: omg yes
BEETROOT
Beetroot, beetroot
Purple, earthy treat root
Come hither to my house with meBeetroot, beetroot
Purple, earthy treat root
I long to roast you for my tea#NationalPoetryDay
no one:
my brain:
key largo montego
olivia rodrigo
It’s so cute how you think wearing that cross around your neck exempts you from being a reasonable human being
*admires David at the museum* I can’t believe a teenage mutant ninja turtle sculpted this
How apt that, after listening to “hold music” for an hour, I need a hug.
It is so fuckin funny that theres a mustache you cant have. Theres a forbidden kind of mustache
Holy moly
Doctor: I’m sorry but you’re not healthy enough for sex
Me: Hey man I have not been your patient for 3 years can you please stop calling me
ME: [repeatedly trying, and failing, to film a successful water bottle flip]
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: experts project extinction for this species
How come Yoko Ono didn’t marry someone from Nickleback instead?
Donate one kidney and you’re a hero. Donate a couple more and suddenly you’re a monster
Families that do Christmas card photo shoots months before Christmas have the organizational skills of high-level Nazis.
[two women sunbathing in garden]
“It’s so nice out here”
“Where’s that creepy guy who lives next door?”
HEDGE “He’s away for the weekend”
Me, a mature adult: hee hee that football announcer said “reach around and squeeze it from the back”.