“I think this ice cream is spoiled.”
*me drunk, eating mayonnaise*
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I now realize that my mom did not actually have eyes in the back of her head. She just did as I do, randomly yell out “stop it” every 30 min
The new iPhone’s front camera detects when you’re looking at another phone and gives you a small electric shock.
SOME DUDE IN A LAB IS WORKING ON BRINGING THE PTERODACTYL BACK TO LIFE SO ENJOY THOSE EVENING STROLLS WHILE YOU CAN!
I always have a suicide note in my shower so that i wont look stupid if i ever slip and crack my head
Dad’s in for a hip replacement tomorrow. I’ve told mum to chat up the old dudes in the coffee room whose wives are in for similar just incase and she didn’t see the funny side and now I’m out of the will.
Me: We’re well stocked with the necessities, let’s not waste food
What my kids hear: Yayy let’s eat, every hour, like it’s a cruise buffet
[first date]
Me: that is hilarious
Date: …
Me: wait, bread or dead?
Date: how would my parents be bread?
to someone with x-ray vision two people making out look like skeletons that are really bad at eating each other
Both my wife and I work from home. She treats me as a colleague despite us doing completely different roles in very different industries. She keeps bouncing ideas off me to which I nod along helpfully. No idea what she’s talking about.
English is crazy we’ve got silent g’s, p’s, h’s, mimes, c’s… where does the madness stop?
I love seeing live bands. The dead ones just kind of lay there.
Because I’m a loving wife I got my husband some chocolates for Valentine’s Day and because I’m his wife I ate all of them.
Changed my ex’s name in my phone contacts because hearing Siri say, “Your lack of self respect is calling,” while I’m driving is hilarious every single time
Fails drug test.
Adds “Positive” Person to résumé.
I want to be on maternity leave but without the baby.
when i find out there’s a cat at the party but they’re locked in the bedroom
When someone asks me a question that I can tell is gonna turn a rude corner, I like to trap them with my Keep Going facial expression. Eyebrows lifted, face tilted, slight smile. And then I wait, ready with a pleasant Yikes.
me: gimme something strong
[bartender sets down an ant] this little guy can carry 50 times his own body weight
When I’d go to church as a kid I’d always wonder why there were so many seats reserved for Usher
Me: It makes me so happy that after all of these years I still take your breath away.
Wife: Just hand me my inhaler.
*reads online that you should befriend your coworkers with some water cooler talk*
ME (to coworker): So, are you into water coolers?
I was indifferent to Top Gun: Maverick, but I’m seeing so much good buzz about it that right now I’m going to drop everything and totally watch it on basic cable in a couple of years.
I should run for public office just to see the scandalous dirt they dig up on me. I would really like to piece together my twenties.
1970s: “Hey baby”
1990s: “Hey babe”
2014: “Hey bae”
2020: “Hey b”
2030: “All hail our glorious squirrel overlords”
It was supposed to rain this morning and didn’t, which is rude to the sweatpants sofa plans I made.
[party]
What exactly does BYOB mean?“Bring your own beer”
Bill Nye the Science Guy slowly slides the bacteria sample back in his lab coat
whelp that’s enough instagram for today
Why’d they call it a catapult and not an over the shoulder boulder holder?
[first day as a pilot]
This is your captain speaking, in the event of cabin failure, oxygen masks will drop from the ceiling and untangling them will annoy you before you die.
he’s sick of your bullshit today
