I think this is my favorite scene in a movie
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No thanks, social drama. Puberty sucked enough the first time around.
I painted today
Everyone complimented me on my turtle
It was a bird, I painted a bird
the statue of liberty was a trojan horse thing but it was too hard to break out of and it’s full of skeletons now
Go ahead and call HR, I don’t even work here.
When you marry someone with the same sense of humor as yours you have to deal with the consequences, like when I asked my wife to put on an outfit I haven’t seen yet and she walks out in my gym clothes.
barbie’s story is actually so sad like her parents left her with her 3 sisters and she had to take up 200 jobs to take care of them then on top of that her boyfriend is gay and won’t get a job
A toaster is the ultimate bath bomb
[cow learning about humans drinking goat milk]
um hey you know those guys eat like tin cans and stuff right…
If I eat healthy today then I can have one piece of candy as a reward. If I eat unhealthy, then I can have the whole bag.
Bought a pair of camo sweatpants but my kids can still see me when I wear them. This is bullshit
Not my fault if the kids give up too soon
Wife: We get 1 “cheat meal” on our diet. I want tacos. What do you want?
Me: The waitress.…And that’s why I’m not getting laid tonight.
You know that one cow in the field that’s like 200 yards away from all his cow friends just doing his own thing? That’s me. I am that cow.
[grocery store robbery]
ROBBER: *sets gun on conveyor belt so cashier sees*
ME(next in line): *slowly places grocery separator behind gun*
If you put a drier sheet in your car’s visor, your car will smell fresh for days
[Looks under visor]
Hey wait a minute this is a slice of ham
If a woman asks if you “notice anything new” tell her “I do, your beauty surprises me every day.” Then continue thinking about velociraptors
BRB YOU GUYS, I GOTTA DO THIS FACEBOOK QUIZ TO FIND OUT WHAT BREED OF CAT I AM
Me: Okay, 5yo, are you ready for your morning math lesson?
5yo: Hold on. Let me get my laser gun.
Me:
ME: *reads mac & cheese box* Stir cheese sauce every 5m to keep creamy
[4yrs later]
ME: *still stirring every 5m* Please.. I have a family
My kids are so sweet! Even if they wake up early, they’ll destroy the house quietly so I can still rest.
no one who’s ever been hit in the head with a softball calls it a softball
Killer: *over the phone* I’m watching you
Me: ooh, what am I wearing
Killer:
Me: sorry, what are *you* wearing I’m bad at this
ME: I learned how to read lips so I can tell what the dog is saying
WIFE: seriously? [rolls her eyes] so what’s the dog saying?
ME: first of all, he says you’re rude
I left some new office rules in the break room of an office I don’t work at…
[eating a foot long sub]
*spits out tiny periscope*
This is a terrible place to stay! The sheets are scratchy, the pillow is thin and the recreational activities sorely limited! 1 1/2 ⭐️
Yelp: Its prison ma’am.
Sober me: I hate drunk people
Me after first drink: WHERE MY DRUNK PEOPLE AT
#TheResistance is everywhere! #ScienceMarch #EarthDay
triscuits are the perfect snack for anyone who has ever wanted to eat wicker furniture
[Commercial for axes]
[A lumberjack swinging a dead goat against a tree in the woods]
*Turns to camera*
“There has to be a better way?”