Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

How To Be A Parent

Step 1: have a child

Step 2: your guess is as good as mine

not me out here checking the growth progress of my potted flowers only a couple hours after i planted the seeds in the first place

8yo: I want to paint my pumpkin this year!
Me: Cool, what color?
8yo: Orange!
Me:
8yo:
Me: *pours drink* Let’s do it

I can’t hold my breath to swim to the other side of the pool but I suddenly have Michael Phelps lungs to get away from someone coughing.

Me: That’s pretty sus

12yo: Never say that again

Me: Why?

12yo: It sounded weird when you said it

Me:

12yo:

Me: Your rules are sus

i love nature 🙂 sittin in grass, soakin up sun, listenin to all those weird ringtones that come from those animals in the trees or whatever

thought i lost my wallet today but then i found it. free endorphin booster if you’re stupid enough

[first date]
HER: So, do you have any hobbies?
ME: No, not really.
SOCK PUPPET: You’re not going to tell her about us?

[concert]
Lead Singer: HOW’S EVERYBODY DOING TONIGHT
Crowd: WOOOO
Me (from the back row): fine how are you
Lead Singer: I’M GOOD THANKS FOR ASKING

Her: “Add insult to injury why don’t you”

Me: “Your broken leg looks fat in that cast”

I’m upstairs and the food is downstairs. Send help.

I like to take down Christmas decorations in stages. Right now in the stage where I sit on the couch with a cup of tea in denial that I need to take down the Christmas decorations.

last night in a voiceover session

me doing a line: COME!
engineer: sorry, could you do that come again, it was a little too strong
me: …
engineer: …
me: …yeah…no problem…sorry my come was too strong

Me: it is he about whom the prophecy foretold, and for whom we have waited lo these many centuries

Cable guy:

[phone w/ son while in bank thats being robbed]
in case this goes bad, go to google on the iPad and delete “can owls fly” before mom sees it

“If we don’t know a word for something, why can’t we just make one up?” he remarked confusatorily.

How many raisins do I have to add to this bag of M&Ms before it qualifies as trail mix? One? I say one.

Got out of the shower this morning and went to put my Fitbit back on, the screen said “looking good.” Was more than a bit unsettling since I was naked. 😳👀

Turns out the button on the elevator with the fireman’s hat on it is not the button for a free fireman’s hat.

[ME]: *pointing up to the sky writer plane* it’s a message for you babe
[GF]: oh how romantic
[SKYWRITER]: KATE WILL YOU MA-
[GF]: omg yes i wi-
[ME]: wait keep watching
[SKYWRITER]: -KE SURE TO BUY THE NAME BRAND COCOA PUFFS NEXT TIME LIKE I ASKED YOU IDIOT

They say if you love something you should let it go, but I don’t think this pastrami sandwich will come back to me, so I’m just eating it.

I’m amazed at the things I find in my undies after a night out. Glitter, matchbook, food & I wasn’t even wearing underwear before I went out

Him: Don’t you think that’s enough Bailey’s in your coffee?

Me: I’m in morning

My 6 yr old lost a tooth and then finger quoted “tooth fairy” so I just handed him $5 and told him to do whatever he wanted with the tooth

I’ve just been wearing a towel for 5 days so everyone thinks I showered.

Surround yourself with people who want to give you money.

Haiku is a cross
between poetry and math.
Satan’s handiwork.

DATING TIP: Pick up the check. Pick up the table. Pick up the chairs and the waitress and the bartender. Everyone loves upper body strength.

Day 65: My dog still insists on acting happy to see people despite my example and training

A guy in New York had a CVS receipt
stuck to his shoe.

Luckily, a lady in Chicago saw it and
was kind enough to pull it off for him.