I think this jacket they gave me at this psychiatric facility is gay but everyone keeps telling me it’s straight.
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[restaurant]
waiter: welcome, have you dined here with us before?
me: no but I know how to order food
Zeus: And I will call it, “Pegasus”
Me: *Crossing out “Mareplane”* Oh yeah no that’s great
[making out on couch]
me: well, wanna take it a step further and see if we’re compatible 😉
date: yes 😉
me: ok let me just get… you know… from my nightstand
[coming down stairs 2 minutes later]
me: whoa *holding sorting hat* why are you naked
When my kids aren’t listening to me I just yell ignore me! And then I feel better that they’re finally listening.
A wet beach towel will dry in about 30 minutes in the sun or 36 weeks in a hotel room.
chumbawumba: i get knocked down, but i get up again
jesus: ok yes
“Try it, it’s so good!”
“Come on, man. Just a taste.”
“I’m having some. Mmmm.”
“Trust me.”Feeding my 2yo makes me feel like a drug dealer.
if evolution doesn’t exist explain pokémon to me.
The airport is a lawless place. 7am? Drink a beer. Tired? Sleep on the floor. Hungry? Chips now cost $17
It’s like we’re living in the Dark Ages.
*takes off sunglasses*
Oh.
All archaeology proves is that our ancestors were skeletons and they lived underground.
Police chief – “I’ve been hearing reports that one of our cops is an undercover lobster”
Me -[struggling to grip coffee mug in huge pincers]
Deliveroo driver has gone rogue this morning
[3 dads circling new neighbor on their bikes]
“im not looking for any trouble”
all three dads in unison: HI NOT LOOKING FOR TROUBLE IM DAD
4yo: THAT WAS ENOUGH SCHOOL
Me: That was… your first day.
4yo: YEP.
Me: You have school again tomorrow, kiddo.
4yo: NAH, I THINK I’M GOOD.
I’ve accepted that I’ll probably never say “I’d love to” without sounding sarcastic.
If you see my wife at the store, tell her to put some of that stuff back.
My wife is mad at me because most of the keys on my key ring don’t open anything. Uh yeah its almost like those keys are just for jingling? But go off
ME: My favorite was always Raphael, but I liked Donatello a lot too
DATE: Aww so you were a big fan as a kid?
ME *pulling my credit card from my Ninja Turtles wallet*: Hmm?
“It’s ok to double dip if you eat the whole bowl of chips & salsa by yourself!”
I shout as I swat my date’s hand away
“Blind dates are fun!”
Do you have anything the size of an eyepatch on the left & a cantaloupe on the right?
– Me, bra shopping
ME: [watching tv]
FRIEND: You should turn it on tho
I dunno will I understand the new Fast & Furious if I haven’t seen the previous 47?
I’m not flirting, I’m being friendly.
*gets on knees and undoes your belt*
*draws sword*
*erases sword because it sucks*
Seeing someone’s false eye lash fall off is awkward. I never know if I should catch it or kill it.
Jerk chicken is just regular chicken that made fun of me in high school
My eye keeps twitching. I’m no doctor, but I feel like eating a large quantity of bread and cheese will probably cure it.
[heaven]
darwin: *looking down*
angel: what’s going on?
darwin: watch this
Soccer I love when they hold up the sign and a brand new beautiful boy takes the place of a dirty sweaty ruined one