I think this jacket they gave me at this psychiatric facility is gay but everyone keeps telling me it’s straight.
You Might Also Like
A shark could swim faster than me, but I could probably run faster than a shark. So in a triathlon, it would all come down to who is the better cyclist.
New comic up. “Ransom”
*looks at fish tank
6: It’s part cat and part fish?
Me: No it’s just a fish
*Catfish maintains eye contact while pushing over treasure chest
Me: I want to kiss you everywhere!
Her: You mean New York, Paris & London?
Me: Um, ya that’s what I meant.
Batman Begins Crossdressing #AddAWordRuinAMovie
Me: I wonder why you only oversleep when you have school!
My kid: Mumma that’s because on other days it’s just called sleep.
Directions: Allow food to sit for five minutes before consuming.
Me: No.
I’m like Pac-Man because I travel in the dark to Dippin’ Dots stands to eat them, all while getting chased by members of the Ku Klux Klan.
This day in history. 1701. Maryland legalized divorce in cases where the wife displeased their clergyman. What kind of kinky cult was that?
A man outside Boots told me that Jesus died for my sins. Thanks for spoiling the end of the Bible. I was only up to the bit with the fish.
[opening day at fast food place]
manager: all the orders in?
employee: yes.
manager: the electrical all set?
employee: yes.
manager: and the chairs. do they grate loudly against the floors?
employee: yes.
manager: perfect. we’re ready.
Remember–the only thing standing between you and your dreams is your appearance, lack of talent, and general personality.
The trend of high school girls dressing as Steve Harvey and doing that “SIT ON IT” clip is SENDING MEEE
me: *gets vaccinated*
friend: now u can come to my wedd-
me: *gets unvaccinated*
twice now the building diva has stormed off angrily after i spoke up in defense of myself, she gets one more, then i unhinge my jaw and finish her.
Oh we’ve met.
CAUTION : THE ROADS ARE SO DANGEROUS RIGHT NOW UNLESS YOU WANNA GO GET ME SOME BAGELS, THEN THEY ARE FINE
I put my phone in airplane mode and started constantly banging my knees on stuff.
FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Never mind
My timeline is flooded with ads for push up bras. I know I’m out of shape but that’s just mean, Twitter.
Whoever first said “I’m in a pickle” must have had the weirdest day.
Two days after I bring my newborn daughter home from the hospital:
22 month old son: When’s she going back?
Me: Back where?
Son: To her house at the hospital.
Me: She lives with us now.
Son: Mommy, you’re not making
good choices.
Either my cat is speaking English or that was not a vitamin I took….
I have the attention of a goldfish.
Seriously, it’s been watching me for hours.
If I ever had to turn myself in for a crime I would tell the cops I could describe the perpetrator and then see how long it took the sketch artist to figure it out
I have no idea what “I’m just waiting for the code to compile.” means but if you say it to your boss he’ll let you get back to your video game.
Remember to not aim fireworks at anyone unless it’s that person who keeps microwaving fish at the office
Before gunpowder, entire wars were fought with nothing but pinecones and latent rage.
I just want to be rich enough to say “that won’t be necessary” when the police go to handcuff me