I think this lady I’m stalking just found out. She changed her wifi name to:
“Hey you in the tree. I’ve called the cops.”
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if the mechanic starts explaining the problem by saying “I don’t know who worked on this car before me…” you may as well just hand over your wallet and check back in a month
You’ve heard of Christ on a cracker, now get ready for Beelzebub on a biscuit
Historians say teenagers in medieval times would send an average of 180 tiny scrolls by raven per day
Me: *gets on scale*
5yo: Whoa! That’s a lot of points!
Virgo: Sure you can slake your thirst on the blood of your enemies but be careful, their tears have all the electrolytes.
Dog pulled my shorts down, and now there are no secrets between me and the guy who delivers dog food
I’m a strong, independent woman who needs you to come kill this moth in the basement.
Prince Devitt x Low Ki x Kota Ibushi. One of my all time favorite matches. 🔥
I hate when snakes disguise themselves as people.
(first week into weight watchers)
You think I can get an advance on next week’s calories?
boy pyromaniac: *starts first fire*
Dad pyromaniac: “im so prou-”
Mom pyromaniac: “dont say it!”
Dad pyromaniac: “im so proud of arson”
Not muting your mic is the new reply all
[Infomercial]
HOST: Wanna learn how to lose up to 15 pounds with one simple trick?!?
AUDIENCE: Yes!
HOST: Here’s how! *rips off his own arm*
Friend- “You’re drunk.”
Me- *mocking voice* “You’re drunk.”
Friend- “Stop.”
Me- *morphs into clone of friend* “Stop.”
My mom has more confidence in the people of Oak Island finding the treasure than me finding another husband
Doctor: You’ve got high blood pressure & water retention. Do you know what that gives you?
Me: Boiling water?
Doctor: Ha! No,you’re dying.
I thought I found a baby owl today that needed help. He was an adult pigmy owl who let me pick him up then clawed and bit me. He is free now
4: okay, I will be Mario and you will be the goomba–
Husband: NO, no, you’re not jumping on my head.
4: *sigh* kay…
{Horses on a road trip passing my house}
HORSE 1: *Points at me in my yard* Human.
I try not to tell people I had shoddy dental implants done, but whenever in a conversation, it just comes out.
judge: I hereby sentence you to 68 years in prison
my lawyer: your honor my client respectfully requests a year be added to his sentence
I had to bump up my 10am Rice Krispie treat to 9:30. It’s okay. I have a prescription.
Good luck robbing my house. My home security system is LEGOs on the floor.
me: I wish I knew how to make you less angry
her: you could start by just listening to me once in a-
me: I mean I’ll do anything
her: I just said you can lis-
me: anything at all
[my landlord staring at the penguin enclosure] You’re not getting your deposit back
Told my 56-year-old coworker that I’m a bit anti-social and he said “yeah I noticed that about you, you don’t necessarily light up a room”
(Creating the platypus)
God: Make that beaver think a duck is sexy and then they, *hip thrusts*
Angel: What?
God: You know *hip thrusts*
I knew I’d pissed off Mother Nature when she sent a hurricane to wash my car and then left it on my roof.
My mom has been gone for three weeks and left my dad with the credit card. His surprise to her when she came home was a glow in the dark toilet seat and when he showed her all he said was “BEHOLD”