I think this lady I’m stalking just found out. She changed her wifi name to:
“Hey you in the tree. I’ve called the cops.”
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If you’re going to text your boss that you’re an hour late, make sure you end with “I’m bringing you a ham and cheese croissant.”
When my kids misbehave we watch ‘Honey, I Shrunk the Kids’ and then I make them stand in a giant Petri dish while I set up the machine.
A judge in Oklahoma City wed a couple and then sentenced the groom to prison. That sounds redundant to me.
Every year, falling coconuts kill more people than shark attacks, but the families of the shark victims are less embarrassed.
Me: *Yanks off tear away pants*
Guy at next urinal: holy shit
Single: Knows all the bars in a 10 mile radius.
Married: Knows all the restaurants in a 10 mile radius.
As a parent: Knows all the bouncy places in a 10 mile radius.
Stop breeding everything with poodles!!!
me: *looking down from a roof* a ladder would only slow me down now
How old are you?
Me: *panics*
Me: *trying to math it out*
Me: *forgets birth year*
Me: * forgets current year*
Me: *runs away*
Me: I never lie.
Also me: Yes, i’ve read and agree with the privacy policy.
Teens: Euphoria from a first kiss
Twenties: Euphoria from skydiving
Forties: Euphoria from a price adjustment at Target
What in all holy hell is going on with this box of toilet paper I just got from Amazon
Me: So what do you do?
Date: I’m a seismologist.
Me: No way! Can you…
Date: Please don’t.
Me: …guess my height?
Dr Mario: you have a tumor
me: two more what
“911, what’s the emergency?”
we were robbed. they stole the wireless router
“calm down”
also they shot my grandma or something. not sure
I wonder if black ants and red ants have beef. I never see them chilling together. Ever.
NO, I will not come get candy from your van, Im not craz..
Oh cookies? Hmm.
Double stuff?! You don’t say!
The white one w/ no windows? Sure!
The first time I tried to repair one of my kids toys, I thought it was important that they stand back a bit, and verily, I say unto you, it was from there that they watched me superglue the skylander to my hand.
Got bucked off my high horse. Now I only have contusions of grandeur.
My 3-year-old was having yogurt for breakfast. He decided to pretend it was ice cream. Then got mad at me because it really wasn’t ice cream.
There aren’t enough condom ads in the world.
Her: what’s your favorite position
Me: devil’s advocate
Her: i meant sexual position
Me: but what if you didn’t
After moving approximately 35 times in about as many years I’m here to tell you that you’ll keep the people who matter most. What you’ll miss are the restaurants.
Got fired from the petting zoo for giving the rabbits birth control.
me: ooh wonder what kind of hawk that is
my 5yo, helpfully: maybe a mo-hawk
I have just completed knitting a tiny sweater for my one true friend, who is a grape.
You brake checked me? My baby is car-seatless rolling around the floor like a water bottle, and you brake check me?
Goodnight moon
Goodnight room
Goodnight wifi connected devices
Goodnight CIA
Noah
Monday: *exist*
Garfield, my lawyer: *presents lasagna-stained Cease and Desist order*
Why isn’t there a squirrel week, Discovery Channel?