Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

We don’t know what’s in the vaccine. Could be anything. Microchips? Sure. Toxins? Maybe. Predatory birds? Definitely. This is all a plot to fill us full of falcons because the CDC is in the pocket of Big Talon.

Me: I can’t come into work today. The vibe is off.

Boss: Holy shit take all the time you need

The divorce rate is almost at 60%. How does Cupid keep his job with that level of failure?

Met a friend from Twitter in real life and didn’t get murdered. Take that, Mom.

“We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.”

Can’t, my 1yo is taking me rock tasting

anytime anyone dunks on me on this app i’m like man :/ i bet if they took the time to get to know me they’d be able to dunk on me even harder and more specifically :///

me: [trying to be cool af at the bar] gimme a beer
bartender: what kind
me: the…the drinking kind

How do I tell my family I think it’s best if we start seeing other families.

[at grocery store]

me: no.

God: no.

brain: eat a coffee bean.

Maybe your parents told you a watched pot never boils so you wouldn’t go around sticking your face near boiling water, idiot.

Spent two weeks with my grandmother and now I know why grandpa was a drunk

You can learn a lot about your kids by simply turning off the TV and talking. For example I discovered that mine are really boring.

Hangin with my peeps at the club. Biting their heads off, one by one. Enjoying their marshmallow deliciousness.

man…im so hungry i could-
*i catch eye contact with a horse*
“you could what?”
*shows his gun*
i could.. eat a sandwich
“thought so.”

Got my ponytail stuck in the paper shredder again.
*cancels haircut appt*

#SaturdayBears

“You’re so funny!”

Thanks, I didn’t get laid in high school.🤘

Just texted my kid and asked her to call me because I’ve misplaced my phone, she did 😂🤣

The only thing I love more than an open mind is an open bar.

The Untrained Meteorologist is a classic
🤣🤣🤣🤣

Yoplait
I plait
We all plait for foreplait.

Send a DM to your twitter crush saying “My flight gets in at 6am on Thursday” and see how they react.

Day 1: Buys $8.00
organic raspberries.

Day 2: Moldy.

Repeat weekly.

[vet office]
Hi I am here to drop my cat off. Just a check-up.
*doctor walks out*
“Hi, I am Dr. Curiosity we-
I’ll take my cat elsewhere

Zoologist 1: we need a name for this
Zoologist 2: how about a deadly sin?

Hiding the bank statement from your husband is the new hiding your report card from your parents.

I’m getting old. I wake up now and my body is like…

Bladder: better hurry up!

Back: woah, no sudden movements!

Foot: CRAMP!

Head: ouch, did we drink last night?

Neck: CRAMP!

Back: WHAT DID I SAY ABOUT SUDDEN MOVEMENTS!

Bladder: um, so I’ve got some news…

If you can’t be with the one you love, love the grilled cheese you’re with.

Three men from my past have reappeared in the last few weeks to remind me how much I hate odd numbers.