I think this lady I’m stalking just found out. She changed her wifi name to:
“Hey you in the tree. I’ve called the cops.”
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I’ll write I’ll write I’ll write.
My kid saw a pic of teen me and almost thought it was her. I pointed to myself and said look close, here’s your future. To which she replied, “not if I take care of myself, mom”.
Free to good home. Vaccines are up to date.
Picture me eating dinner.
Wrong!
Louder. Drunker.
Even more backup dancers.
What idiot called it “learning to be patient” and not “gaining wait”?
woman in car on news: “I’ve used up loads of petrol driving around trying to buy petrol” hm okay
Are sharks attracted to or repelled by pickles? I need to pack my beach cooler just right.
I don’t know who you are, but if you don’t stop sending me phone books, I will find you…..and I will kill you.
“someday this will all be yours” I say to my dogs, waving my arms wildly across a half empty plate of mexican food
Hairdresser: How much should I trim off the back?
Me: Leave it long enough for him to wrap around his fist twice.
Travel Tips
1. Pack light
2. Dress comfortably
3. Bring a book
4. Anything can happen
5. You’ll probably get killed
6. Don’t leave the house
Why did they call them fad diets and not newtrition.
I never knew the word “mom” could even have 7 syllables until I had kids.
My wife has given me some birthday cake to take to my friends at work.
They do not know about it.
She will never know if they received it.I now have what I like to call “my cake.”
CDC: You can take your mask off if you’re fully vaccinated
AMATEUR VENTRILOQUIST: Goddammit
Today I saw a kid being pushed around in the shopping cart while eating a snack and watching a movie on an iPad. It’s tough to see others living out your dreams.
Blanket apology to everyone I’ve begged to go camping after two drinks. It was too intense and I do not own a tent.
interviewer: why do u want this job
me: i’m passionate about being able to pay my rent
Who called it heckling a cow and not roast beef?
What idiot called it “The Nightmare Before Christmas” and not “A Nightmare on Elf Street?”
I was at the shops & the woman in front of me was asking where the cucumbers were
The assistant came back with a small cucumber & she said “yes I saw that but I want a big one” & I actually said out loud “that’s what she said” & yes I think I spend too much time on the Twitter
[First day as an exterminator]
Me: *pointing to giant, dead mouse on floor* He won’t be bothering you anymore.
Chuck E. Cheese Manager: OH MY GOD
My kid microwaved a fork. My dog barked at an Amazon Prime box for 4 hours. Just waiting for the third verse of my country song.
“Did you see that new drama last night?”
“No?”
“Oh you’d love it!”
“What’s it called?”
“I can’t remember”
“What channel’s it on?”
“It was either BBC or ITV, I think”
“Who’s in it?”
“That chap who was in the other thing, he’s been in loads of things”
“Right, I’ll check it out”
2yo: daddy play with me!
Me: okay!!
2yo: *points* sit right here.
Me: okay.
2yo: NO DADDY DON’T SIT THERE!
Me: okay.
2yo: DON’T SAY OKAY!
Me: okayyyyyyy.
I saw the most beautiful woman at the store today so of course I did the sensible thing and imagined what our whole life would be like if we fell in love and then I never spoke to her.
Me: Soooo it’s our 3rd date. Is this when we like, you know, take it to the next level?
Him: Definitely! My place or yours?
Me: I was just hoping to go somewhere a little nicer than 7-11
Son: why is my name Bince?
Me: i missed the ‘V’ when i texted the doctor your name
Son: can’t we change it?
Me: finish your homework Bince
Nothing like 2 big dogs chasing your dog to get in some extra cardio
Me: I’d like the chocolate soufflé
Waiter: It takes 45 minutes to prepare
M (right in her face): Then why are you still talking to me?
Its a hippotatomus