I just had the thought “pfft. Your father can’t die before you are born,” and I believed it for a full minute. Because I’m smert.
I think this lady I’m stalking just found out. She changed her wifi name to:
“Hey you in the tree. I’ve called the cops.”
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Wife: hey take me out tonight.
Me: can it wait till tomorrow?
Me: because tonight’s not garbage night, tomorrow is
I don’t always kill spiders, sometimes I stare at them a short while to see if we can reach an understanding
*walks in on family gathering*
I AM NOT CLEANING UP ALL OF THIS BLOOD
You mean pizza delivered in less than 30 mins…
*takes picture of son putting ornament on the tree*
Okay, now give that back to mommy and don’t touch another one, okay?
In high school I only played the trombone so I could hit people and make it look like an accident.
Gun control sounds like a dangerous but exciting way to change the channel
[first Craigslist transaction]
Seller: do…do I kill you ?
Buyer: (relieved) I’m not sure! I was worried I was supposed to kill you
I’m not racist. White people scare me too.