Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Have you tried sticking your head in a bag of rice?

-me, as a therapist

An octopus should have eightacles, not ten.

My pessimism has never failed me, but I’m sure someday it will.

The Fast and the Furious.

– Me, not eating after 6:00 pm for my morning blood work 😠.

I got soap in my shower beer again.

neil armstrong: i’ll take that for you

neil armweak: can you carry this?

If Toblerone tastes this good, imagine Toblertwo

On the news: there’s a shortage of maternity-ward staff.

You could say it’s a bit of a…*looks away*

*mumbles*

MIDWIFE crisis!

(…sorry.)

I’m trying to pretend these kids aren’t mine, but it’s so hard when they are sitting at the same table as me in this restaurant.

The best part of being a bomb technician is that you can never have a bad day at work

The worst part of being a bomb technician is that you can never have a bad day at work.

[3 am]
toddler *steps on my face trying to sneak into the bed*
me: You are the worst ninja ever

My key takeaway from Ghostbusters was that once you’re dead, your Miranda rights don’t count for shit.

Next door’s newborn has a really distinctive cry it goes “VVVVRRRROOOOOOOOMMMMMMM!”
It’s not a breastfed baby – it’s a formula one.

restaurant
Waiter: Your coffee

Me: Could I have a little spoon please?

Waiter: Certainly
*delicately embraces me from behind*

Me: lovely

hot tip: to avoid writing bugs, don’t write software

After watching HGTV, my husband and I have decided to become dog walkers so we can increase our house hunting budget to 4 million.

friend: i’m just going to date myself

me: you can do better

Boss: You’ve really raised the bar around here.

Me: Thank you.

Boss: The customers can’t reach their drinks you moron.

To the jogger clinging to the hood of my car:

That’s why you run WITH the flow of traffic

ME: I’m here to repair the gate

ST. PETER: No you’re not

ME: I… I need to fix it from the other side

A baby is a horrible paper weight because it just keeps rolling off the desk.

[interrogation]
Cop: what were you doing last nite?
Me: I was killin my neighbour, Bert
Cop: louder for the tape please
Me [leaning in]: I was filling in paperwork. I’m a busy guy

The glockness monster

If I were the dinosaurs I would simply use my enormous tail to bonk the asteroid back into space

What smells better than it tastes?

A nose.

Crocodile towels ☺ @funTweeters @fun_tweets

dad was helping me with my finances and used a moldy orange to represent my credit score 😕

People are asking me questions like they can’t see the FULL cup of coffee on my desk.

“FOUND ‘EM!”

I was drinking water while laying down and missed my mouth. I get waterboarding now.