I think this man might be the one, I say right before he dumps me and I never hear from him again
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why do guys only hit me up at 11pm? I’m still hot at 4pm you idiots (and probably more awake)
Sherlock: *deep breath* You’re a drinker, whiskey’s your poison but mum doesn’t approve. Upper management, no middle. You hate your job but it’s too late for a change. A droll existence, Stacy.
Starbucks Barista: I’m so sorry ma’am, he’s in training here’s your tall blonde roast
We will require you to do something somewhat onerous and time-comsuming and then introduce impediments to completing it.
– my employer
The good news is I’m pretty much who I say I am.
The bad news is I’m pretty much who I say I am.
Sometimes, I think I have had enough personal embarrassment for one lifetime, but then, I’m all like, “No.”
[rises from chair]
NO.
I looked at a shelf once online and now every ad is like “SO YOU LIKE SHELVES??????” and everywhere i go i think a shelf is following me
The dental hygienist told me I have nice gums today and giggled, then she told me she was happily married. So I don’t really know what to believe
Grammar is important. It’s the difference between feeling your nuts and feeling you’re nuts
how do I explain to my gen x parents that the news is something you sit down and watch for 30 minutes and not insidious background noise for the entire day
Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Daughter: You’re old, that’s going to happen.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.
Girl seeing my torn jeans
Where’d you get those?!
*remembers trying to pee on a hill & stumbling backwards through thorn bushes*
The Gap.
Therapist: So you’re sheltering in place..?
Me: Yes but when I have to go out, there’s always some weirdo who won’t let me social distance
Husband: I thought we agreed no name-calling
To save time, I buy my panties pre-bunched.
[during mosh]
me: excuse me, sorry, excuse me, im sorry, my fault, sorry
Whenever I get sick, I get my immune system drunk so it will fight anything.
when ur mom took the xbox away because you got a D- on ur report card and you went to your room, slammed the door, and turned this song up to full volume on the radioshack speakers so the whole family knew you were gonna be full of angst for the next several days
[at daycare]
Me: I’m here to pick up my son
Daycare: what’s he look like?
Me: *points to my face*
D: oh. Ok
A strong person stands up for himself. A stronger person stands up for himself while bench pressing another person standing up for himself.
Welcome to your 40s. When you’re hungry your stomach sounds like a storm coming in.
(Me on trampoline outside your bedroom window)
WhyDid
You
Unfollow
Me?
Dating in your 30s is just two people telling each other stories about how they used to be fun.
me: [preparing to give eulogy] *takes jacket off*
priest: don’t undress the deceased
Garlic and bread is the only marriage I truly have faith in.
That awkward moment when you walk in on your sons having a yo momma insult contest.
My kids can be so quiet, comatose almost. Until I am on a phone call.
I’m beginning to suspect this fat phase isn’t a phase
@funTweeters just starred 1 of my tweets. It’s like getting a personal letter fr Jennifer Lawrence, & it asks if she can borrow some stamps.
Are you turned on?
Switch I might be!
Whenever you’re having a bad day, think of the guy who has to put the circus tent back in its bag.