I think this might be relevant today.
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Coffee so strong I’m starting to believe I’m The Flash.
My computer beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
me: a man once told me these woods are haunted by a demonic entity
him: how
me: with his mouth
[interviewing Matt Damon]
Matt: Well, in this movie I play-
Me: (cuts him off) I’m more interested in talking about the roles you AREN’T playing.
Watched my neighbor pull off this morning with his coffee on top of his car.
I could have warned him, but I’m out of stuff to watch.
Seductively rubs salt in your wound.
Morpheus: ok this guy is definitely “the one”
Trinity: but why though
Morpheus: you’re gonna kick yourself lol but just re-arrange the letters in “Neo”
Cop: please step out of the car
Me: *pulling away* suck it, cop!
Roller coaster operator: he’ll be back in 2 min 24 seconds
the main reason men’s shirts have those little breast pockets is just in case their gf becomes a worm
Someday archeologists are going to dig up Disney World and think that it was some type of bizarre mouse worshipping kingdom.
hi, how are you?
–yoda asking how high you are
[Wife finds me crying on kitchen floor]
Me: I fell & spilled honey on myself.
Wife:
Me: Will you ki
Wife: I’m not kissing your Honey Boo Boo
Stop undressing me with your eyes!!
Use your teeth.
The last time I danced in public people gave me money to find a cure.
My ideal woman:
– beautiful
– bold
– speaks French
– has an army
– is of arc
Wife: Silent
Me: What’s wrong?
Wife: Nothing
Me: Grabs shield and sword
date: can you ask the waiter if he has chicken legs
me: *quietly* no, it’s probably just the way he walks
Kid 1: Hurt my elbow
School Nurse: Here’s an ice packK2: *fever*
SN: Ice packK3: *diarrhea*
SN: Ice packK4: *decapitated*
SN: Ice pack
Me: this a rush song?
Bartender: yeah, you a fan?
Me: does this answer your questions? *lifts shirt to reveal giant tattoo that says “no”*
Monday is a legitimate excuse for biting someone.
The happiest dog I ever saw was a golden retriever trotting up the street one morning with an entire pizza hanging from his mouth.
It was just before camera phones were widespread. I parked my car and watched him, then continued on to work.
BREAKING: Metropolitan Police have stated that whoever broke into Scotland Yard last night and locked all their case files in a picnic basket has seriously hampered their investigations.
My grandfather came to this country with nothing but the shirt on his back. When he got here, the cops made him put on pants, too.
Adding “family” to words sucks out all the fun: Vacation? Family vacation. Car? Family car. Movie? Family movie. Affair? Family affair.
MECHANIC: listen, I’m not sure if I can fix this
FRED FLINTSTONE: *cradling his broken legs*
I don’t understand why people climb mountains. I literally pay someone else to carry my groceries
People who live in glass houses must have to clean up a lot of dead birds.
Anyone: Loose lips sink ships
Me *writing down note*: Tighten ship’s lips.
If I had known I could hurt myself just by sneezing I wouldn’t have been in such a hurry to grow up