I think this might be relevant today.
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You take the oxy out of oxymoron
If I had a time machine I’d bring all the Home Depot skeletons I could find to the Victorian age and surround a village with them while they all slept
Don’t do anything rash
– inept doctor trying to keep a skin eruption from spreading
When I was 7, I fell out the bed twice. It was a twin & my mom was like, “if you keep falling out the bed we’re gonna have to get you a bigger bed.” For two weeks straight, I woke up extra early before school & would lay out on the floor. My dad then got me a queen sized bed.
All these people dying on vacation kinda makes me feel better about being poor.
me: sorry, I move around a lot in bed
GF: it’s ok lol
[middle of the night]
me: [taps GF on the shoulder] I just bought a house in Montana
One of my biggest fears is that before I die, spiders will evolve the ability to coordinate their legs and run like horses.
me: I would sell my soles for some chocolate right now
devil: done! wait, what the h-
me: no takebacksies
devil: *holding a pair of sensible flats* damnit
HR: Did you call an employee stupid?
Me: No, I asked if he knew he was stupid.
Moola better be the only form of currency at a cattle auction.
washing machines need a ‘good luck’ setting for the things you’re not sure are machine washable but you’re about to find out
Always blow your man. Pamdé went two weeks without blowing Anakin and we all know what happened to that dude.
9-year-old: Can I spend the night at my friend’s house this weekend?
Me: Sure.
9: Can I spend two nights?
Me: You can live there. Just tell her mom to send over the papers.
[at a party]
host: would you like a tour
me: no thanks, but hey while I have you here… which room would you describe as “off limits”
I’m not sure who’s more drunk, me or the guy wearing my wife’s clothes standing in the mirror.
A – absolute
D – disaster
U – usually
L – looking
T – tired
the votes are coming from… inside the country!!!
The story of Narcissus falling in love with his reflection is a little far-fetched.
*takes 87 selfies*
A world war 2 bunker with fake air vent
I’m looking for a home with huge yard, tall privacy fence and a couple of sheds preferably one with a freezer that can hold two or three.
–me on house hunters
Prisoner: Why’s it called a “shiv”?
Cellmate: It’s short for “shiver”
Prisoner: “Shiver”? But how does that relate to stabbing?
Cellmate: the shiv part comes before the ER
Prisoner: damn that’s cold
I am so glad everything is broken at work today so I could make this
“Oh, I like your coat!”
“What? This old rag? It cost 2p! I’ve had it for ten years. I found it in a bin. It’s seen better days. I hate it. Been meaning to get a new one. Thank you, though!”
I tried sliding across the hood of my Camaro, but my pony tail got caught in the windshield wiper.
Technically, all restaurants are drive-thru it just depends how committed to the task you are.
“Enjoy this gift of a very normal large wooden horse”
👏GIVE 👏THE 👏OTHER 👏49 👏STATES 👏THEIR 👏OWN 👏CHAINSAW 👏MASSACRE 👏MOVIES
Let me just slip into something a little more comfortable *comes back wearing a wizard costume*
TIMMY: What’s that, girl?
LASSIE (echoing from the bottom of a well): *bark bark bark*
TIMMY: You say you’re aware of the irony of the situation?