I think this might be relevant today.
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Editor’s note: sorry about ‘snowboard’ typo, should be ‘snowboarder’ found dead
I eat too much candy. I know this because my dentist plans his annual trip to Hawaii after my appointments.
me: hey big boy
friend: please don’t talk to the Lincoln memorial like that
Saw Little Women. Totally misleading title. They stayed normal-sized the whole time. 2 stars.
I’m thinking of taking my Twitter down, and @all_tweet_calls too. I probably can’t, I’m probably addicted, and I know it’s a running joke that people will say they’re deactivating & then come back.
But the haters are really getting to me.
1/
My husband and I ran out of toothpaste a month ago and neither of us said anything out loud but we’re both waiting on the other to buy more. The silver lining is we are finally making a dent in 15 years of travel-sized toothpaste containers from the dentist.
Me: [on mars] *opening bag of chips*
My dog: *blasts off from earth*
Me: “Hey kids, I’m gonna go downstairs and watch the #football game anyone want to come watch with me?”
5-year-old: “You gonna have chips?”
Me: “Does that affect your decision on if you’ll spend time with me?”
5-year-old: “……yeah!”
Me: “Then yes I’ll have chips.”
😒🤦♂️😒🤦♂️
Maybe just avoid festivals named Fyre or Burning or anything fire related
just saw Gravity. excuse me while I go hug the earth.
If your kids are getting on your nerves you can take them sledding and watch them face plant into the snow for a sense of justice.
When I say things are going swimmingly, it’s important to note that I can’t swim.
BOROMIR: One does not simply walk into Mordor.
[Later]
FRODO: *Rollerblading into Mordor* So literally—
SAM: *Doing the Charleston into Mordor* Yeah literally anything but walking will get you in.
While America is suffering administrative paralysis, we should sneak in and change their spellings to the English ones, and replace the missing ‘u’ in their words.
[coronavirus pandemic diary]
Day 3: I’ve not had sex in 6 months
Can’t get a girl? Rip out your rib and make your own! Critics are raving “this doesn’t work” and “I’m bleeding to death”.
the doggo pooped out a little plastic hand so now there’s some poor Barbie running around like Luke Skywalker.
Me: *explains math problem*
Tween: I don’t understand.
Me: *explains the exact same way except more aggravated*
Flex on the Average Person by eating 9 Spiders a Year
MAGICIAN: i will now make my assistant disappear
ASSISTANT: *covers eyes with hands*
AUDIENCE FULL OF BABIES: *gasp with wonder and delight*
My husband said I have everything I need so he’s not getting me anything for Christmas. Really? I need Jason Bateman. Work on that.
I work with some really great people. They’re reliable, they’re honest and they never cause any problems. I don’t fit in at all.
I was very disappointed when I found out drinking alcohol doesn’t actually kill brain cells, I was hoping to join a political party one day.
I have never bought a snack faster on name alone in my life.
Other kids wanted to be astronauts or doctors, when I was little I wanted to be a horse calendar
Signs that your pet dog might be a scorpion:
– Has six legs
– Fewer people want to pet it
– Responds to popular scorpion names like ‘Maurice’ or ‘Steve’
– Has a tail made of ouch
Me: one mcflurry please
Cashier: the machine is down
Me: awe then one for the machine too
So Jamie and Cersei could have lived if they moved a little to the left?
Bumped into my Ex again. I should really move her to a different part of the freezer.