I think this might be relevant today.
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Anyone: what’s your favorite color?
Me: cheese
What I lack in legs I make up for in forehead
Person in murder documentary: This is a small town. Things like this don’t happen here.
Me: Um, based on the shows I watch, that’s ALL that happens in small towns.
Why is it no matter how bad you rack yourself physically ppl invariably ask “Are you ok?”
Sure I am. Why I was just thinking this morning my hair would look so much better if it had matted blood in it.
If someone asks what you do for a living and you reply “I’m a lunatic” they won’t ask any more questions.
I’m not a 10, I’m more like two 5s stuck together with melted cheese
“No new iPhone, I just wanted to talk about my feelings” – Tim Cook, hopefully
Old people be giving dating advice like “fill out a resume and just walk right up and ask to speak to their manager”
cleaned my whole house today and it turns out i’m disgusting.
If I had a dollar for anytime a man said he was in love with me I would definitely be homeless
My phone:
My phone:
My phone:
My phone:
My hands: holding anything messy.
My phone: *ring*
One of my greatest fears is my alarm clock learning how to defend itself.
“sorry i went off topic haha” -me, never having been anywhere near a topic
Me: Do you want kids?
Date: Yes! Definitely.Me: How many?
Date: Ideally two. A boy and a girl.Me: Perfect. I’ll drop them off on Saturday. Good luck.
Her: I wish you would surprise me sometimes.
Me: *shedding my human skin to reveal I am actually Nergal, Mesopotamian God of death*
Her: No, not like that.
Connor Sadzeck Connor Happyzeck
Met Office warns snow could cut off rural communities from the rest of the UK, coming as huge relief to people living in rural communities.
I can’t go on anymore dates so if you all could just decide amongst yourselves who’s stuck with me that would be great
maybe there’s an alternate universe where onions cry when they chop up humans, you don’t know
My neighbor’s kid said hi but I couldn’t think of his name and said “Hi son of John” like some biblical dude
NEIGHBOR: That’s the best haunted house I’ve seen. Terrifying Halloween decorations!
ME: [scattering body parts in the yard] Halloween?
‘Us Weekly’ Wins Pulitzer For Outstanding Achievement In Photoshopping A Rip Between Divorced Celebrity Couple
[Garden of Eden]
EVE: If I eat the apple I get to leave?
GOD: Get to?
ADAM SANDLER: Eatin that appley bappodoodaly
EVE: Yes, get to.
*sees a babe about to walk through a puddle*
“No no, allow me”
*gets on hands and knees and drinks the entire puddle so the babe stays dry*
Her: Let’s just keep this casual ok?
Me: *reverses baseball cap*
Life with teenagers is basically them sniffing out snacks from a mile away yet missing the odour lingering in their bedroom
*comes home drunk
*sleeps on floor
If I were the person naming diseases, Chronic Lying Disorder would be called Liarrhea.