I think this might be relevant today.
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[at a sperm bank]
“Can I browse the clearance bin?”
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I’ll put a whisk in the spatula drawer when I’m emptying the dishwasher.
When you have the opportunity to become a bigger person, take it because cake is delicious.
there should be an olympic sport for pessimism, not that i could ever win
gonna start doing mildly unhinged shit to make people uncomfortable.
heat my food for 73 seconds in the microwave,
sit down in the elevator,
pick up my feet a little too high when i walk
Can I get a piña colada please.
‘This is Starbucks’
Sorry, can I have venti piña colada.
Obligatory April 25th Meme Tweet 😆
My wife took a bunch of my clothes to make a scarecrow today and seeing it come together I realized I dress like a scarecrow.
I always say I’ll sleep when I’m dead, but I’m pretty sure I’ll still find a way to stay up late.
Me: I’ll never be like my parents
Also me: If you kids don’t stop fighting, I’ll pull this car over and you can walk home!
Cortana, where is the closest Taco Bell?
There’s a Weight Watchers meeting 1 mile away from you.
*Note to self: Never call Siri Cortana*
Sometimes I get bored and tell people I’ve never had pizza before.
11 y/o Daughter: [opens xmas present] uh..cable ties?
Wife: she asked for a pony..
Me: a pony? ..SHE CAN’T EVEN LOOK AFTER HER CABLES LINDA
[talking to family after emergency surgery]
Your positive energy saved my lifeSurgeon: *waves hand* umm hello
[autopsy]
Coroner: worst case of boogie fever ever
Me: *throws banana and waits for it to return, boomerang style* that’s the last time I ever believe anything I read on Yahoo Answers…
My wife thinks it’s weird how much I stare at my phone now but it was probably even weirder when I was a kid just staring at the landline all day
[first day in the Mafia]
Me: I’ve taken care of your wife as you asked
Boss: great, where is she? Did she have a nice time?
Me: oh no
As I was driving, some stranger yelled “what’s your problem lady?”
So I was honest, I said I drink too much and I can’t stop eating chips.
Murderer: If you correct my grammar once more, I’ll kill you
Me: But I couldn’t stop myself
Murderer: But you could of
Me: oh no
I hate spoilers so much I walk out of movies before the end
COP: It’s 4/20
ME: Yes, and I’m a dealer!
COP: Then you’re under arrest
ME: I’m a dealer at the casino, lol!
COP: Oh, haha! Is it a good place to work?
ME: No idea, I just sell drugs there
Me: Tonight I’m going to get some good sleep.
WebMD: With the fishes.
Eight minutes into dinner date and I’m out of knock knock jokes.
You look like you come from a long line of restraining orders.
they say humans share 50% of their DNA with the banana. for some of you i think that number is even higher
I don’t like to brag, but I don’t need it to be Friday the 13th in order to murder someone.
8: mummy would you like me to give you a massage every evening
Me: you will inherit everything I own
[swimming]
friend: shark!
me: relax, you’re more likely to be killed by a bus than killed than by a shark
shark: *driving out of control bus into the ocean*
me: well I’ll be damned
[Court]
Me: My tweets go through a rigorous review process
Judge: Are they reviewed by other idiots?
M: *lips on mic* irrelevant, your honor