I think this should do it.
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Went to see my doctor today and apparently drinking mimosas are not considered a juice cleanse.
Jfc.
her: what do you want?
me: to pay for my sins
her: this is a McDonald’s drive thru
me: I mean to pay for my McSins
I don’t like to sit down for bad news because I never want to ruin sitting down.
*Takes gift wrapping paper to the counter*
Her: Did you want to buy that?
Me: No, I just wanted to hold it for a while.
My dad showed me how to change the oil in my car and I showed him you can move the hood up and down to make it look like the car is saying “nom nom nom I love oil delicious oil”
In my house the roles are reversed cause my kids tell me to turn my music down.
they probably named the Rocky mountains first and then saw all the other mountains and were like “oh”
There are four golden girls and four teenage mutant ninja turtles but I bet you’ve never asked yourself why we never saw them all together in the same place
DR: Good news and bad news
LADY: What’s the bad news
DR: Your husbands dead
LADY: *crying* Oh my god
DR: *holding finished sudoku behind back* Ask what the good news is
If your name is Candy you shouldn’t be allowed to work at a weight loss clinic. It just seems cruel.
It feels so good on a cold morning, a hoodie fresh from the dryer…
I’ve been secretly moving my clocks ahead one minute every day since June so we can celebrate New Year’s and get all the kids to bed 3-1/2 hours early without them knowing.
Earth Day implies the existence of Noseth Day and Throatth Day
Onion rings
Me: “Hello?”
When people are making out in public make things even more awkward by applying chapstick and announcing you’re next
Ripped a tag off my leggings and did not realize it was load-bearing
Want to be successful? Just go buy a home. 6 years ago. With your parents money. It’s not that complicated.
‘Tis the season to wrap objects in colorful paper with the fine motor skills of an inebriated T-rex.
FRIEND: what was the best day of ur life
WIFE: our wedding day
ME (thinking of the time the Coke machine gave me 2 cans instead of 1): same
[interviewing for job as assassin]
Me: I only have 1 rule
Interviewer: lemme guess. No women or kids
Me: huh? No, I just won’t work weekends
Googled how to seduce a guy and Google replied – girl if you have to ask it ain’t gonna happen.
Of course you can be anything you wanna be. That’s how delusions work.
In hindsight, naming my family portrait studio Let Me Shoot Your Kids, was probably not the best business decision.
I will never own a smart watch. I have enough things telling me what to do.
Based on a tumblr post by fartgallery!
You don’t need to buy an expensive exercise machine. Just do what I did and get a bean bag chair.
Diets are for people who can’t afford to buy bigger clothes.
friend: *struggling to open beer* i need a bottle opener
me: here, give me your lighter
friend: ok
me: *lights cigarette and takes a long drag* yeah you’re gonna need a bottle opener
[blind date]
HER: I’d really like to have sextuplets
ME: Oh wow, me too!
HER: Really?
ME: Yeah, but why did you call me “tuplets”?