I think this should do it.
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My neighbor said “I think the earth might be flat, sorry if I’m not politically correct.” no you’re just regular incorrect
ME: *seductively removes her G-string*
HER: Could you please just hurry up and finish restringing my guitar?
Google assistant rules
According to the CDC, the leading cause of death in 2016 was having a career in the 80’s that brought you any level of fame
I don’t want to kill mice but I know they have to go so the cat takes care of it. When she goes down to the basement I’m like a mafia wife. She’s doing what has to be done and I don’t want to know about it.
“No woman, no cry.” – Tarzan breaking up with girlfriend.
My IUD provides me with 99% birth control effectiveness, but my husband’s dirty socks on the floor comes in at an impressive 100%.
Last night, during dinner, my 7 year old son said….
I need a pen and paper to write down the recipe for this so that when I have children I can make it for them because it’s really nice.
So apparently, he has his whole life planned out, including meals.
how i like to believe my wife sees me when i get a jar open or kill a spider
How the stock market works:
Seller: selling $20 for $25!
Buyer: [terrified] take my money!
My life coach just asked me leave because apparently she has “other pedicures to do” and doesn’t “speak English”.
Always trust a glue salesman…
They tend to stick to their word.
Quit college. Become an oven. Get up to like 500 degrees.
Thou shall not throw shade, if though cannot throw hands.
Thuggalations: 17:28
My daughter invented a game she calls “cellphone.” I have to pretend to be a stranger, while she plays herself and just tells me about her life. For hours. She enjoys this game considerably more than I do.
[storming out of the bedroom in a novelty banana costume] YOU’RE THE ONE THAT SAID THINGS WERE GETTING TOO PREDICTABLE KAREN…
I have also decided to not buy Twitter.
I discovered my knee feels better if I take stairs at an angle. But now every time I walk down I have to sing Puttin’ on the Ritz.
Karen, will you marry me?
“Ugh. No. Please take me home.”
*20 minutes of awkward silence as hot air balloon slowly descends*
In the future:
“So Zionists tried to take a people’s home and said god gave it to them.”
“So what happened?”
“Apparently god disagreed.”
Welcome to your 40’s…you can now use this as an excuse not to help a friend move.
Today, I’ve been debating what my next tattoo will be. Then my neighbor decided to set off fireworks in the middle of the day for the 3rd day in a row.
So, teardrop tattoo it is.
boss: there aren’t problems, only opportunities
me: ok there’s a huge cockroach opportunity in the break room
“He’s gone too far.”
“He crossed the line between science & ethics.”
“He’s playing God.”-reaction to the amount of cheese I put in omelets
The Goonies went looking for pirate treasure and ended up finding the greatest treasure of all: pirate treasure.
#SomethingYouDontWantToHear
Oops. The surgery went well but…..
The term minivan implies the existence of a more spacious yet less practical mega van
Toddlers will be like I want half an egg but I want half the yolk and half the white and you have to cut it before you crack it and if you puncture the yolk I’ll scream
What do you mean, I didn’t win? I ate more wet T-shirts than anyone else.