I think this was a scene from “The Birds”
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WIFE: What are you doing?
ME: [struggling on floor] Yoga
WIFE: At the bottom of the stairs?
ME:
WIFE: You fell down the stairs
ME: Yes
This going into the office stuff blows. Like, I seriously have to wear clothes now.
How I know my 4yo’s in a little salty mood today:
Huggies commercial: “I’m a big kid now!”
4yo: “…no you’re not…”
My son just said he’s going to call me “Squishy” to match my stomach and now I need to have another kid just so I can have a favorite
[normally]
my bed has four corners[when putting on a fitted sheet]
my bed has 93 corners
Wife: He’s always rewriting the past..
Therapist: is this true?
Me: [doesn’t hear because I’m typing ‘Shrek killed Hitler’ into Wikipedia]
Dating is just deciding if you like a person more than being lonely, then choosing wrong.
I finally figured out what flies and mosquitoes are for. They’re gods way of making us slap ourselves.
[airport]
SON: can i yell bomb?
DAD: no.
SON: hijack?
DAD: nope.
SON: how about shitballer?
DAD: uh yeah i guess but please don’t.
At the state fair I realized none of my troubles matter when you dip them in batter
So we’re agreed: if that balloon flies over any of us, we moon it like it’s 1978
[history class in 2069]
TEACHER: how did the Civil War begin?
ME: when the United Nations prepared to pass the Sokovia Accords, which would establish a UN panel to oversee and control The Avengers, Iron Man and Captain America were divided.
TEACHER: correct
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a librarian.
Me: *doesn’t talk again all night*
I feel like landlords who don’t allow dogs but DO allow children don’t know very much about children.
Son: My pencil is stuck in this Spirograph.
Me: So, you’re having an exitstencil crisis?
Optimism [op-tuh-miz-uh m] noun
Brushing your teeth before bed, knowing damn well you have a 1/2 sleeve of Thin Mints on your nightstand.
This is not my forté. It’s not even my threeté if I’m being honest.
All sex is “make up sex” if you don’t know what you’re doing.
Rapidly approaching the tipping point at which “I’ll never be able to finish this WHOLE burrito bowl!” becomes “I should order another burrito bowl, shouldn’t I”
I’m too lazy to be a superhero. If I had laser eyes I’d probably just use them to heat soup or something
her: well don’t just stand there, say something
me: they should make paintbrushes that look like bob ross
her: i said i’m pregnant matt
me: his hair could be the brush part
[5 mins after seeing our neighbour’s new boat]
wife: “everything’s a competition to you”
me: [trying to find the moon on eBay] “no it’s not”
Friend: You sent her off to her first day of Kindergarten! Did you cry?
Me: Of course I cried. I’ve been waiting to feel this kind of freedom for five and a half years.
Imagine my surprise when I found out that don’t is not the abbreviation for donut
(To the pilot as I’m getting off the plane) Yeah right here is good.
Husband: what’s on your mind babe
Me: that someone made up dinosaur sounds without actually hearing them
Husband:
Always know where the exits are in a crowded theater and your in-laws house.
Girl, yo grammatical atrocities so huge, you need typosuction.
i love the concept of an encore. the band leaves the stage and the crowd is like omg wait you haven’t played your three most popular songs yet! and the band is like “beg”
I cut the size tags out of my clothes because I disagree.