Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You don’t scare me. You’re not my mom saying, “I’m gonna tell your father” after she found out I broke the TV.

“I usually don’t do this on the first date,” I say, pushing two lobsters together and making sex noises

my nudist neighbours are moving away and selling everything and I’m thinking the washer and dryer will be worth a look

I’m glad water isn’t explosive, because with the amount of half-empty bottles rolling around in this car any accident would be an extinction-level event.

I’m pretty sure I’m smarter than my cat, but he refuses to take the test.

It unnerves me, because that’s totally what a genius would do…

If you’re giving me directions and you say, “Head north,” I’m going to think you mean toward the sky.

inheritance is a dumb system people should have to give their estate to whoever defeats them in battle like the santa clause

i’m sorry that i bit you, i was trying to flirt

I thought she was the one until I saw her make hot chocolate with water.

When your whiskey stops people from entering your house.

~ Scotchgard

Doctor: That pain in your side is nothing more than a strained oblique.

Me: A strained what now?

Doctor: Love handle. You pulled your love handle.

Hitting people with a metal yard stick while wearing a “SOCIAL DISTANCING OFFICER” badge is now perfectly legal.

I wish there was a way to keep in touch with dogs I meet outside of grocery stores.

My wife is mad that my daughter is crying in this restaurant but she should be mad that our daughter is so bad at tic-tac-toe that I’ve beaten her 24 times in a row.

I told my tween son to spend 10 minutes cleaning his room. He then attempted to convince me for the next 20 minutes he was too busy to clean his room.

[experiment to see if infinite monkeys on infinite typewriters will produce the complete works of shakespeare]

scientist 1: well?

scientist 2: close a few times sir, but someone keeps adding question marks to everything

s1, over loudspeaker: curious george to the front please

Carpenters are only in it for them shelves.

Civil War reenactments are a lot like meetings. You do the same thing over and over again while waiting for your turn to die.

I just fought a child-proof container to the death.

my propensity for dark humor brings all the boys to the graveyard

Friend: What’s with all the extra guests?
Me: You told me to bring the Cranberries.
*Linger starts to play*

Cat is stressing him out.

I work with a guy from Mexico who doesn’t speak a lot of English. A Canadian goose made a nest by one of the paddock gates and hissed at him while he was putting horses out. He comes back to us after and says, “I do not like the cobra chicken.”

Son: This kid at school says really mean things to me
Me: I’ll have a word with him

[Later]
Son: How did it go, Dad?
Me [trying to hide my red eyes] do you think I look like a potato?

Staying in a cabin with three other guys for a weekend has just become a race to say, “There he is!” anytime someone enters a room.

Sometimes I like to purchase every item on a person’s Amazon wish list for myself and then let them know I’m living their best life

[texting my friend]

me: sorry I missed your party yesterday

friend: it’s today actually

me: read this again tomorrow then

I went to Costco and now I have massive quantities of all the stuff, except money

Give your kid a bowl of chips, and he’ll eat for a few minutes. Let him dump out a bag of chips in the car, and he’ll eat for a whole week

If your online dating profile says “I don’t have sex on the first date” then that’s why you’re on a dating website.