I think this was a scene from “The Birds”
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Drank enough whiskey to talk the husband into a Titanic reenactment. He’s laying in the snow and I won’t share the picnic table with him.
[hiking]
Me: you want some trail mix?Friend: yeah sure!
Me: *starts beatboxing*
Walk in the club wearing my transition lenses like “What up who’s here gimme about 30 seconds and then we can get this party started ladies”
Therapist: ‘Sarcasm will get you nowhere.’
Me: ‘Actually, it got me to the National Sarcasm Championship game in Las Vegas back in 98.’
Therapist: ‘Really?’
Me: ‘No.’
Not to brag on my wife but she doubled our accidental death and dismemberment insurance when I bought a chainsaw.
My wife and I have decided we don’t want to have children.
So we are going to tell them tonight at dinner.
[Day 739 of me refusing to admit I’m stuck in a tree]
No I did this on purpose.
I am glad that things are opening up again. Now when I get told to go play in traffic, there actually is traffic.
[overhears the flight attendant asking the people in the emergency row if they’re capable and willing to operate the emergency exit]
Passengers: Yes
Me: MAKE THEM PROVE IT
Wonder who’s getting killed off this season on Sesame Street
Me: Why does the neighbor always watch me while I’m gardening?
Her: He’s a paramedic.
Where do I see myself in five years? *kicks feet up on desk* Sir, does my resumé list “psychics abilities” under skills? No. Next question.
[in a meeting]
ok a Dracula movie except he’s new in town and biting is illegal but he befriends the pastors daught-
“that’s just Footloose”
Me: I weigh 10x more than the cat and yet she trusts me completely. So sweet.
You:
Me:
You: It’s a lot more than 10x.
Me: Don’t ruin this.
If we start dating now, we could be feeding each other deviled eggs on Thanksgiving, and breaking up before we have to exchange gifts for Christmas.
It took 3 employees to help me complete “self-checkout” today.
“And this is Flegh, Fnnnr, Grmm, Jsssh and Jhee-Jo.” (What My Brain Hears When Introduced to a Group of People)
[JAN 1]
*tears off Dec 2016 calendar page*
[JANUARY 2016, Part 2]
What?
*flips*
[YOU DIDN’T THINK]
*flips*
[2016 WOULD END, DID YOU?!]
NOO!!
If you’re not part of the solution, I might need to add more solvent.
I’m not racist. White people scare me too.
An octopus approaches his arch enemy the cat with a gun in each arm. He hears a soft chuckle: “You’re one short, my friend.”
Rejected Candy Hearts:
– Meh. You’ll do.
– You’ve done worse.
– STD Free
In high school I was best known as “Hey what’s your friends name?”
Just as the siren’s song lures sailors to their doom on the rocks, the ding of the microwave calls the unwitting to destroy the roof of their mouth on the molten cheese of the Hot Pocket.
I’m opening an Italian restaurant for Alphas called “Testosteroni.” Who want to get in on the ground floor?
WARNING: Local youths in the park are asking passers-by to audition for the remake of Aquaman. DON’T DO IT. They filmed my audition and posted it on youtube under the title, “We tricked this guy to climb into the park fountain”. I AM 99% SURE THEY ARE NOT REAL HOLLYWOOD PRODUCERS
Opened a bag of turkey jerky that smelled kinda weird but ate one anyway and when I looked at the package I realized I accidentally bought dog treats. Still pretty good tho
Me: Can I have $5?
Mom: What happened to the $5 I gave you in 1998?
If you make a simple mistake but fix it right away, what year will your spouse finally let it go?
I don’t do Botox anymore cause when I can’t make my angry face, people just assume it’s ok to talk to me.