I think those 5G masts are emitting invisible waves that make people more susceptible to conspiracy theories.
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I stupidly asked my kids to explain why there are rocks in the washing machine, as if I’m new to this whole parenting thing
I strongly condemn the ritual sacrifice of children to Satan.
It is morally wrong and, in my experience, completely ineffective.
Everybody’s big on freedom until they find you passed out naked on their boat
Dear Abby,
My pastor insists that being gay is wrong, yet he ends all his letters with the words “In Him”
Help!
Perplexed in Poughkeepsie
If I have to be awake, everyone has to be awake.
– birds
I go to Costco sometimes just to pet the rotisserie chickens.
Hate seeing birds walking to their destination. It’s disingenuous. They’re just doing gravity tourism. Get back in the sky where you belong.
at the mcdonald’s self order kiosk selecting my order from behind my back like a guitar solo everyone is cheering someone just threw their bra
My 6-year-old: Why did you give money to that man?
Me: Some people don’t have a home or job & need help. We may not have a ton of money, but-
6: Is that because you keep giving it away??
I’ve decided that my go to from now on will be
“Sorry my house is a mess my husband is out of town”
They don’t need to know that it’s like this no matter what.
Doctor: I’m afraid we will have to remove part of your colon.
Me: So I’m gonna be a semicolon? LOL
Doctor:
Normalize saying “Yummy in my tummy” when the server asks about your meal.
Boss: “I want it on my desk by 9 on Monday”
Me: “Say no more”
[Monday]
Boss: “Where’s my report?”
Me: “Shhh”
Turning regret into ulcers since 1996
If you put healing crystals in a sock and beat someone with it do they cancel each other out?
Its true…
“The Godfather” teaches us that:
1. Nothing is more important than family and
2. Our families are always trying to kill us.
Me: puts butter on banana bread
Also me: blames weight on aging
“Aaaaaaaaand done!”
-me, breaking the last of my new year’s resolutions
“I’m going to show off my new belt by tucking in my T-shirt” -Men over 50.
I bet every time Beyoncé leaves a restaurant everyone fights over who gets to smell her chair
Eye Exam Lamaze Class
Emergency
🤝
Dilated Pupils
Wife: Could you be dehydrated?
Me: Of course not.
W: How much water have you had?
Me: Two coffees & a bourbon.
W: Wow.
Me: Told you.
[screaming from my front porch] You teens get off my lawn and register to vote!
Her: YOU’RE A PIECE OF SHIT!
Me: Well… at least I’m not all of the shit
Can we not just call it Zealand now?
Me: I made this belt out of herbs
Her: why?
Me: oh, just waisting some thyme
WIFE: If you embarrass me in public again, I’m leaving you
[Single Ladies comes on the jukebox]
ME: *rising to my feet* Well, we had a good run
I know the weather is cooling down, but deodorant is a four seasons thing.
Tried to touch my husband’s face and he tattled on me to his mother.