I think those 5G masts are emitting invisible waves that make people more susceptible to conspiracy theories.
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[guy who’s about to invent dates]
*eating a meal* what if I could disappoint someone else at the same time?
Bradley Cooper is saying it took him 6 years to learn to conduct a 6 minute piece of music. Buddy you have to say more. What’s 6 years? Every day? Once a week? Did you take a year off. Did you take 5 1/2 years off. What possibly could take 6 years please this is ruining my life
Someone in this world has consumed more mayonnaise than anyone else currently alive and they don’t even know it
I’m so uncomfortable with confrontation, a waiter could bring me a bowl of cold black olives instead of my meal and I would quietly eat them and tip 30%.
If it looks like I’m typing for five minutes I’m really just trying to spell diarrhea.
Had a nightmare then couldn’t go back to sleep so I got up and ate the cheesecake or at least I hope that’s what it was.
Her: I read on Facebook…
Me: I’m going to stop you there.
Quarantine status: I now leave an emergency bra near my keys in case I need to go anywhere.
*CAN’T OPEN THE PICKLE JAR*
SHERLOCK: (suspiciously) Moriarty…
Why isn’t Spiderman’s greatest enemy named Shoeman?
I can’t do small talk I just asked the lady cutting my hair what she does for a living
*wife wonders where I am in the store*
*hears glass shatter*
*knows where I am*
Me: These books are half price.
Wife: Yeah.
Me: So I can save money.
Wife: Uh huh.
Me: By buying ten times as many.
Wife: NO.
break the monotony of your uber driver’s day by saying “sorry about your car” as you get out
Why is it so hard for hitchhikers to say “I love you too”?
Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: You’ve already written no
Doctor: I just looked at you and made a guess
Me: well let me tell you, it was a good guess
When the client says “make it pop”, I can’t help but wonder if it’s my sanity or the website design they’re talking about.
SUPERVILLAIN: [thrusting kryptonite into my side]
ME: How did you discover my weakness? [gasping for air] I… hate… being… stabbed…
As soon as I’m in my room, I take off my pants. That’s probably why I wasn’t allowed to be home when the realtor was showing my house.
Goat: So, I make a ridiculous sound?
God: Yes.
Goat: Anything else weird I should know about?
God: Horizontal Pupils
Goat: What the- *stiffens, falls sideways*
God: YouTube is gonna love you.
Back in my day we used ter wake up at tha crack o’ dawn to tend to these here tweets
[sitting at a table]
Wife: writes number on paper and slides it across.
Me: crosses out and writes new number*thermostat negotiations*
If Disney has taught us anything it’s that if you tie enough balloons to your house, you will eventually find a dog.
Once I was napping & 5yo daughter
dropped her Barbie Car on my face,
she explained it tho, she said
“sorry dad, I thought you were asleep”.
Me: Try this chocolate chip.
3 year-old: Okay!
[gives him coffee bean]
3: UGH, YUCK!
-Me, saving all future chocolate chips for myself while also spending all future money on his therapy.
Did you ever see someone yawn, and then yawn yourself? That psychological reaction is a phenomenon known as: “Katherine Heigl movies.”
Nicholson: You want answers?!
Cruise: I want the truth!!
Nicholson: YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE TRUTH!
Cruise: mmk… how bout a little hint?
nurse: *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[later]
nurse: it’s empty
me: oh I didn’t need it, there was a toilet
In a car crash a dog would rescue you.
However a cat would pour liquor over your face and testify against you in court.