Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My dog takes great offense to the fact that we have neighbors

A Lunar Eclipse that Flat-Earthers have never seen.

Inside you are two wolves as city sprawl continues driving them from their natural habitat

me: i swear officer, i can even say the alphabet backwards

cop: not really relevant to this murder investigation but ok

I just wished a Bride-to-be good luck on her first marriage.

She didn’t seem to appreciate my sincerity.

Beatles: 🎶All you need is love🎶

Me: “And a million dollars.”

Beatles: 🎶All you need is love🎶

Me: “And a million dollars.”

Beatles: 🎶All you need is love, love🎶

Me: “Agree to disagree.”

Psst. The real reason Ryan Gosling is taking a break from acting was to molt, mature & become Ryan Goose.

covid positive at the same time as ur long distance crush? sars crossed lovers

Confused owl: What?!

We need to keep kids off drugs. It’s hard enough to find them without kids buying them too

[having heart attack] HELP…CAN’T…MOVE

ME: Dude, are you ok?!

[faintly] CALL…ME…A…DOCTOR

ME: Oh, sorry!! Doctor, are you ok?!

Hot tip: If you’re going to wipe your hands on your clothes, wipe them on the INSIDE of your pants, where stains don’t matter. Anyway, officer, that’s why my hands were down my pants while eating these delicious ribs.

The secret to a good marriage is that it’s all about give and take. Giving each other frequent back rubs and ordering lots of takeout

You should never bribe someone to get what you want. You should blackmail them, it’s cheaper and much more effective.

Living your life to the fullest does not have to involve selfies with bison.

Don’t ask God to cure cancer & world poverty. He’s too busy finding you a parking space & fixing the weather for your barbecue.

Student:Why do we need to know this?
Me: To look smart for your friends.
Student:What if I don’t want to look smart?
Me: You’re doing great.

I get out of awkward dinner party convos by telling people it’s my first outing since the psychiatrist declared me unfit to stand trial

All I’m saying is nothing feels better than using a decorative towel.

Beer enthusiasts should have an OnlyCans.

I read through all of What To Expect When You’re Expecting and it did nothing to prepare me for the day my teenager started calling me ‘bro’

I like to establish dominance by asking the cop, “know why I pulled you over?” first.

Long story short, I need bail money.

Cats won’t give away your position when someone knocks on the door. They hide with you, like understanding furry ninjas.

If you don cowboy clothes, you’re ranch dressing
OB: “I need you to go away now.”

Deliveroo driver has gone rogue this morning

her: go on, thrust your fist in deep enough to make the eyes spin

me: I never realised ventriloquism school would be so hard

I’ve been cutting the chocolate milk with regular milk so it will go further and my kids have never noticed. I would’ve been a really good drug dealer.

Magazines are for your self esteem.

-New Yorker: You’re so uncultured.
-Cosmo: Your body is garbage.
-Forbes: Hey there, peasant.

I’m not fat. I prefer to think of myself as difficult to abduct and hard to conceal.

I wonder how many people have moved to Carlsbad, CA just to spite someone named Carl