I think Titanic is fake because, how do they record it when they are all dieing in the water?
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The imaginary line that separates North and South in the US is determined by the amount of sugar in an iced tea
People are having sex, kissing, and cuddling right now and you are reading this….. trust me I’m not happy about this either🙄🙄🙄
She danced her way into his heart.
-She was doing the robot tho, so she looked like an idiot.
cats are great if you want a sharp dog that hates you
Twitter is composed of all the kids who used to giggle in sex ed
Kids have scary dreams because grandmas say things like: “You’re so cute. I could just eat you up!”
A college girl sends a text to her BF who doesn’t respond “Could this night get any worse?” unaware that an alien fleet approaches earth
Me: Then the robber came through the door holding a gun
Cop: Was it a revolver?
Me: No he just pushed it open and walked through like normal
[long ago]
A: Ok, so let’s mush a tree to pulp and then make flat thingies out of it.
B: Great idea. Write that down.
A: Where?
EMPEROR PENGUIN: [addressing huddled penguins] The hairless ape’s fires melt our icy kingdom…no more
*raises sword*
FLIGHTLESS NOT FIGHTLESS
“If you love the bed so much why don’t you marry it?”
*imagines beautiful ceremony on the beach, me & Beddy.
No one can stop our love now.
“Aww plans cancelled?? I really wanted to go, maybe next time…”
It’s my house, and I will sleep on the couch if she wants!
doctor: I’ll need you to remove your underpants
me: *taking underpants off my head* fine
He has no idea 🤡
“Haha! That’s ridic-” Bill started to say, but his words trailed off as an heirloom sprang from behind a tree, sinking its fangs deep into his neck.
date: “i like dangerous guys, are you dangerous?”
[thinking about the amount of plugs i have in one outlet behind the tv]
me: “yes i am”
DISCIPLES: Why did it take you 3 days to come back from the dead?
JESUS: [remembering all the times he hit snooze] All the praying and stuff.
Batman: so I’ve been tracking the Joker’s movements all night and we need to-
Robin: you LIKE him!
Batman: omg shut up lol I do not
You’re eating Cheetos on the couch and playing a video game. Your “battle cry” isn’t striking fear into the heart of anyone but the dog.
You ever wonder what life would be like if you didn’t overthink everything? I think about it all the time
Just when I’ve finally gotten everything cleaned and put in the dishwasher, my kid comes marching in with her museum collection of dishes and cups
Man, my tummy really hurts, I should probably have another latte and a third and fourth croissant about it
cow: where does milk come from?
me: *laughs*
cow: *laughs*
farmer: *laughs*
milk man: *laughs*
everyone: *laughs*
cow: but no, seriously.
Don’t invite me places. I was cesarean. I didn’t want to come out then and I certainly don’t want to now
Milk Cube
My wife wouldn’t let me sling shot candy at trick or treaters tonight.
This is bullshit.
DO YOU MEAN YOUR FRIEND GROUP?????
I looked up “thesaurus” in my thesaurus and it says “Don’t be a smart-ass”.