I think Titanic is fake because, how do they record it when they are all dieing in the water?
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if you want a really sexy woman, I just sat in a bunch of crushed up chips without realizing it and thought something was following me when I walked across the house cause I kept hearing the chips drop to the floor
Disease doesn’t care if you are a celebrity, Micheal J. Fox has battled Parkinson for 22 years, and Jamie Lee Curtis is super irregular!
jeff bezos trying to escape the earth because of a breakup is the most relatable thing he’s done
I’ll bet even homeless people look at funeral homes and think, “Nope. I’d rather stay out here.”
NASA: we’re sending astronauts back to the moon
Me: good, return them to their natural habitat
Every birth announcement I see the parents are like “we’re already so in love!” Just once I want a “she seems chill but we’ll see what happens”
No chill.
I like that in The Little Mermaid, Ariel & King Triton wouldn’t violate a contractual obligation, but they murdered Ursula with a ship.
We need a ride home.
“I called a Gruber”
Don’t you mean an Uber?
[villain from 1988 Die Hard arrives in black Prius]
Drive down the middle of my street and make me squeeze by you, so I know who to murder first when the apocalypse hits.
St. Valentine’s Day is my favorite holiday that’s named after a massacre.
I’m so broke right now, I’m gonna have to be renamed, “McDonald’s ice cream machine”.
Sorry that I took a picture of my armpit and tried to pass it off as my thigh gap.
What I have learned from dating is that if he shows you affection, talks to you every day, and introduces you to his friends and family, he’s just not that into you
The most difficult thing you’ll do as a parent is not rearrange the ornaments after the kids put them on the tree.
me: I’m quitting, here’s my badge and gun
zookeeper: your what
ME AT A PARTY: oh we’ve met? i’m sorry i’m bad with faces
ME WATCHING A MOVIE: ok that guy in the background is character actor james rebhorn who was in meet the parents, independence day, the talented mr ri
Husband trained 5 well. Every time we have rain, she stands at the window with her hands on her hips and says, “we really needed this.”
About 6 years ago, a new lad at work would have been sacked if I hadn’t spotted what he was doing wrong and stepped in. Now, he’s my manager & records my weekly performance. Without fail I’m 100-110%. It’s really nearer 30% with the rest of the week spent playing FIFA. Cheers bud
DATE: I think nervous boys are cute.
ME: *responding with confidence for the first time in my life* Excellent!
DATE: This date is over.
I’m just a boy, standing in front of a printer wondering if he forgot to press something.
Derek: You wanna go out again some time?
Stephanie: Sure, name the date!
Derek: Ok, how about ‘Derek & Stephanie 2’
AVENGERS ASSEMBLE!
THOR: “here”
IRON MAN: “here”
HULK: “here”
PHIL COLLINS – “here”
…
ok Phil how do u keep getting into S.H.I.E.L.D man
FRIEND: are you going to watch star wars tonight?
ME: uhh…yeah…of course
[later]
ME: [looking up from telescope pointed at night sky] odd…they seem to all be getting along just fine
*Digging my own grave* sounds like a lot of exercise just to lie down.
Catching up on last night’s crime shows, don’t spoil it….. does someone die? No, don’t tell me.
WEATHERMAN: The fog is extremely dense
FOG: My husband took his secretary with him on a business trip, that’s normal right?
At the store- I better pick up a can of black beans. I’m not sure if there’s any at home.
Putting groceries away- Shit, I already had 8 cans of black beans.
1980s : average parent ; 4 kids
2016: average kid ; 4 parents
Cat: my owner is asleep. What if he is dead?
Cat 911: just walk on his face and find out.