I think Titanic is fake because, how do they record it when they are all dieing in the water?
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this is why you always check the reviews before ordering one thousand live crickets
I hate it when my 4th grader doesn’t get an 100% on her school project.
I mean, I really worked on it.
Sometimes I put my phone down and do things with two hands, like in the olden days.
Products that are really small are like free samples, right?
My husband said I talk too much, so we had a nice long chat about that!
HER: I wanna be your everything.
ME: That’s great, cause I need a therapist.
HER: No, not like-
ME: So doc *lays on couch* I feel like my girlfriend’s moving too fast.
They were so preoccupied with whether they could, they didn’t stop to think if they should.
I like how commercials for gum seem to be predicting a cold, dystopian future where our survival depends on the freshness of our breath.
But have you tried crying about it?
-Toddlers
I need to stop asking ppl who wants to do an activity with me on my close friends story because 12 people said they wanted to go to this museum and now I have to make 11 people mad
Ever read something so magnificently stupid that you have to just stare into space for a little while and reconcile with your brain for having been subjected to it.
Hunter: We hunt the most dangerous game- man
Me: But statistically the most dangerous is-
Mosquito on the wall: *violently shushing me*
My mouth says: Yes, yes! Keep eating that candy!
My pants say: For the love of god, I cannot hold on much longer!
Nobody in this neighborhood ever got along until we all hated your rooster.
2020 feels like trying to jog while both of your feet are asleep.
Texting my boss to let him know how excited I am for work tomorrow
Trump is the perfect candidate for American guys who secretly believe they could come out of the stands and score a touchdown
I was dressed and ready to go for a run an hour and a bag of Doritos ago.
I was makin out with a cute girl but it got ruined when she ran her hand up my leg and squeezed all the spaghetti out of my pocket
me: I invited my boss to dinner
her: I thought you hated him
me: I didn’t have any choice
my boss: should I leave?
hear me out- let’s have pet sitters release one harmless flying insect into your home every 2 days you’re gone to keep the pets amused
comic about CROWDSURFIN #hiveworks
Me: In closing, your honour, you put the gem in judgement. *winks*
Judge: *blushing and smiling* What, no I don’t. Stop it.
Ok this TV character is expecting an important phone call from the kidnapper and they haven’t gotten once single spam call the whole time.
Must be nice.
Now she’s falling asleep, and I’m calling a crab.
The inventor of the condom was a hardwear engineer
…and send
I want the free time of the guy who opts in for the after-call survey
Tween and me: *arguing*
Husband: God, you two are just like each other.
Tween and me: WHAT’D YOU SAY?
Husband: *jumps out window*
Hotel room bathrooms really overestimate how much I want to see my own naked body.