I think Titanic is fake because, how do they record it when they are all dieing in the water?
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There is a disturbing amount of product placement in my dreams.
Me: do you love natural peanut butter, but hate stirring it?
Construction Boss: I’m not questioning the concept, it’s just not your cement mixer
Why is my body betraying me, I give it as much strawberry quik and cookies as it wants
My ex boyfriend listens to Christmas music year round and that’s not even the worst thing about him.
Whenever I need a few more minutes to get ready, I walk into the living room and say “My dad has that same shirt ” and then watch my husband’s head explode.
The first rule of Tall Girl Club is we must introduce ourselves by telling eachother where we were able to find pants
This is worse than season 7 of The Walking Dead
Alexa, show me where it all went wrong.
Had to explain to my hot guy friend that people are nice to him all the time because he’s hot. Dude thought it was because he was a Pisces
When you ask for your phone charger back and your teenager has the audacity to ask “what percentage are you on?”
Just saw a snake slither through my backyard, so if anyone wants a house in Houston, it’s yours.
“911, what is your emergency?”
Yes I can’t hear my television
“Sir, this is not an emer-”
Someone keeps screaming “HELP ME!!” next door
you’ve been hit by
*bang-bang*
you’ve been struck by
your time management
make sure you check your drugs for candy tonight
Most people think that T Rexes can’t clap because they have short arms, but really it’s because they’re dead…
Adding osaur to the end of a word doesn’t make it work appropriate according to this cuntosaur reporting me to HR.
My wife and I announce when we’re going to the bathroom, but it’s more a way of saying, “I’m not watching the kids, so if they die in the next 4 minutes it’s all your fault.”
ranch dressing should be somehow condensed and solidified into fry shapes and fries should be pureed into a dipping sauce for them. assassins from every government on the planet are converging on my apartment as I type
[first day in hell]
Satan: WELCOME TO ETERNAL HELLFIRE!
Me: ugh, thank god, my feet are freezing
Satan: HAHAH- what?
Me: *cuddling under a burning blanket* so cozy
Satan: wait, where did you get the hot cocoa?
My mom was concerned about my drinking so I told her I was done drinking for good. She let out a sigh of relief until I told her I was now drinking for evil.
When a cop tells you to get out of your car, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you. Now I know.
Perfect
Bringing a fitted sheet to a knife fight.
Most drug-sniffing dogs refuse to admit they have a problem
ME: *points at my “World’s Greatest Dad” shirt*
CO-WORKER: *points at his own “World’s Greatest Dad” shirt*
ME: *takes a sip from my “World’s Greatest Dad” mug*
CO-WORKER: *sips from his own “World’s Greatest Dad” mug*
ME: [eyes narrow] *draws “World’s Greatest Dad” sword*
If someone tells you to go fuck yourself, just get up and quietly leave the room and return in 7 minutes. They’ll always wonder….
*takes off sunglasses*
Me: Okay, weigh me now.
Talking scales: *sigh* You weigh the same but look a lot less cool.
Yesterday our neighborhood hairdresser was arrested for selling drugs. I was her customer for 10 years. I had no idea she was a hairdresser.
Found a fly on his back by my keyboard. So dead. So sad. Put a cocktail umbrella by his head. Now he looks like he’s suntanning.