Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When Miley Cyrus is naked and licks a hammer it’s “art” and “music” , but when I do it I’m “wasted” and “have to leave the Hardware Store”

Me: It’s the next exit.

Husband: I know! You don’t have to keep telling me. *misses the exit*

In Twilight, if Jacob just got some therapy maybe he could be a Self-Awarewolf

[describing criminal to sketch artist]
No, he could speak more languages than that. He had racist shoulders. His front teeth were impatient.

A show I auditioned for premieres tonight so we should be filming my scenes any minute now.

I love how the cat trips me when I’m trying to refill his water bowl so that I get a water all over both of us, but then HE glares at ME.

If you can’t be fun to be around then please be a drug dealer

[my kid while eating a hard boiled egg]
mommy, what flavor is the yellow part?

*fakes headache to get out of work*

*updates resume with “proficient at adapting previously learned skills to new tasks”*

Me: “Wanna see something cool?”

*places piping hot bowl of soup into refrigerator

[job interview]
Says here you’re good with nicknames?
“I don’t wanna brag Super Cool Interviewer Man”
*under his breath* holy shit he’s good

me: in the song WE call “The Monster Mash” it references a party where The Monster Mash was played. Which means the REAL Monster Mash had to have existed before the song we’re hearing, but we have no idea what it is.

host of the halloween party: how did you set up a powerpoint?

My birthstone is a marshmallow.

If I win Poweball we’re all gonna have a party with SOOO much cocai…cake!

Congratulations, Mrs. Smith. You have a healthy baby clown. Oh look, twins! Triplets! Somebody get a camera. Four, five, six…

On the second day of Christmas break my children gave to me 37 loads of laundry

Petition to change the “there’s a train approaching the station, please stand away from the platform edge” announcement to “oh lawd she comin”

wife:Gotta go. You guys gonna be ok?
me [making my Pop-Tart pop out of the toaster and trying to catch it] Come on!
wife:9, you’re in charge

Last weekend at a friend’s house I shouted “Alexa! play the last argument” and they both panicked

I need a plethora of Piñatas in my office. What better way to relieve stress than violently assaulting something until it bleeds candy

When I was younger, I was so stupid,
I made bad decisions that will haunt
me for the rest of my life.

And by “younger” I mean yesterday.

interviewer: this part of your resume just says “entrepreneurial spirit”?

me: [remembering my get-rich-quick scheme of catching rats in the street and trying to return them to the pet store] it was an idea ahead of its time

My 4 year-old now hides from me in the bathroom so l can’t stop him from chewing his nails.

This really upsets me because that was my hiding spot.

saying “eat the rich”

-depressing
-been done
-makes people think you’re a cannibal

saying “ok boomer”

-fresh
-new
-hurtful to a generation that ruined the planet and economy

I’m so glad we have a house full of toys for me to trip over so my child can run around happily clutching an old dvd

I’m trying to find my niche, and my nechphew

Me: I’ll just tuck this away so I don’t lose it.

Narrator: she would never find it again.

“Susan cancel my 2 o’clock”

Both hands stuck in Pringles cans again? Here let me help

“no no no I need to learn to do this on my own”

[date]
HER: the last guy i went out with was as boring as a sack of potatoes
ME: [gets up from table] my son is a potato

I work out just enough so I can still chase the ice cream truck.