I think tomorrow I’m going to respond to everyone using only lyrics from songs by The Dead Deads. Wish me some luck at the DMV.
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Last night, we decided to play UNO as a family & wouldn’t you know it’s the perfectly named game because it only took playing one round for my kids to hate each other
Clark Kent: *absentmindedly takes off his glasses*
Lois Lane: oh my god are you … a plane?
INTERVIEWER: your resume says that you take things too literally
ME: how the hell did my resume say that?
One time a grocery store clipboard guy was going too hard so I said “I’ve got fish in the car” and the weird level of specificity shut the whole interaction down. Now I use it all the time. Can’t talk, fish in the car. Works even better if you’re not at a grocery store honestly.
What if ants aren’t insects at all but are vehicles that even smaller insects drive to work?
Them: Who’s your favourite soccer player?
Me:
Me: *lifts couch cushion*
6yo: what are you looking for?
Me: six thousand dollars
Her: So, what is your major?
Him: I study forensics.
Her: Dude, that’s just 10!
I used to be so graceful, now I am like a puppy with a box stuck on her head
My daughter once asked me if dinosaurs were around when I was little. She’s still grounded.
There’s nothing more humiliating than taking your pet to bed with you, and they get down and leave the room.
it takes a big man to admit when he’s wrong but it takes an even bigger man to give a giraffe a haircut
YouTube: hi. we see you’re holding the drum to the washing machine in place with your knee and a pair of pliers in your mouth . We’ll get to your how-to video in just a sec but first we’d like to show you 2 minutes of unskippable ads
millennials had years of computer classes where it was drilled into us “THE INTERNET IS FOREVER” and “DON’T OPEN SPAM EMAILS” and “CITE YOUR SOURCES” and then boomers were given internet access like tossing keys to a drunk and telling them to have fun.
how much would it cost?
“the guy who does our estimates isn’t here right now”
around what time will he be back?
“did you not just hear me?”
whatcha thinkin bout
A couple of our wine glasses broke, and I bought slightly smaller ones to replace them.
I don’t think my wife has ever been this mad at me before.
Stranger danger is a very real thing.
They nearly always react badly to proposals.
That awkward moment when the zombie looks for brains and walks right by you
Me: “I just want a girl who likes Star Wars as much as me.”
Hot girl: “I like Star Wars”
Me: “Oh yeah? Name all 3 security guards I blew to get my own private tour of the Starship Enterprise!”
no one:
not a soul:
my daughter: if I ever get rich I’m going to buy a family crypt for all of us because we don’t want random dead people buried around us
Luggage rack or cop car is the road trip game you hate to lose
Call your doctor if there are more than 4 wolves inside of you.
Good morning to everyone except people that sit right beside me when there are lots of other seats open.
I just ate a piece of carrot cake the size of my head. I feel so healthy.
Been there, done that.
– Australia when America is getting up on Monday morning
The Real Housewives franchise would be better if the season troublemaker got thrown in a volcano
I delete my mistakes so now my kids live in constant fear.