I think tonight while my wife is asleep I’m going to pull on the satin ribbon she’s worn around her neck ever since the day I met her. What’s the worst that could happen. One lil tug
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kids: *having a rough day*
air-conditioning: *broken*
me: *sweaty and irritated*
underwire bra: would be a shame if something were to suddenly…snap
Imagine being tracked down for a crime you did a million years ago because your silly goose of a great aunt sent in her DNA to 23 and Me.
On the plus side, I don’t think anyone will ever again use the term “staycation.”
*wife & I finally look up from our phones after 9 months*
“Have you had the kid yet?”
-No
“Well, I’m level 77 on candy crush.”
Be kind to everyone you meet for you never know who got woken up at 3:20am by a kid who was “just not tired”.
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years.
Me: February probably.
I eat my Chinese food just like any other American, with chopsticks, one grain of rice at a time.
*in the car*
dog: where we going?
me: to the neuter clinic
dog: neuter clinic? you’re nuts!
me: no. your nuts
*Refuses to go to the gym
Adds resistance training to workout list.
every man in east london
when they have a dream sequence in a movie, how do they film the person’s dream?
feeling sad today. can everyone please send cute pictures of their credit card, front and back?
What was more important than the invention of the first telephone?
The invention of the 2nd telephone
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss… but you won’t miss.
You’ve trained your whole life for this.
Take the shot.
Kill the moon.
911, what’s your emergency?
Me (whispering): I’m holding a bagel in my right hand
Are you left handed?
No but I couldn’t use my right thumbprint to unlock my iPhone so I used the emergency button
Okay but why are you whispering?
I don’t want the killer to know I have a bagel
Me in my 20s: [faking it till I make it]
Me in my 30s: [still faking it till I make it]
Me on my deathbed: ANY day now
37% of the 90’s was all about jumping.
when robert pattinson was introduced to snapchat filters
Fun Australian fact for you – An episode of the English show Peppa Pig has twice been pulled off air in Australia after being deemed inappropriate for Aussie children. The episode’s main message… “spiders can’t hurt you”
71-yr-old Jimmy Page is dating a 25-yr-old. The age difference may seem huge now, but it won’t be as big a deal when she’s 28 and he’s dead.
One of my children is crying because we don’t have a third floor in our house.
We also don’t have a second floor.
Me: I’m going to be so productive today!
Apple Screen Time Report: LOL
Bill is short for Billiam
At least try to make it slightly believable
I like my coffee black just like my sabbath
I knew Puff Diddy was a bad guy the minute I heard all the bad swear words in his songs
going to work so embarrassing, letting everybody know you need money
Amazon thinks my recent furnace filter purchase was merely the inaugural move in newfound hobby of furnace filter collecting.
Hypothetically, when is the right time to tell your divorce attorney that you’ve never been married and you love spending time with him?
BAND: How’s everyone doing tonight!!
[crowd goes nuts]
ME (standing in the middle, normal voice): Ok I guess. Kinda tired.