Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Got caught by three red lights on my way home and now my avocados are bad

I have this friend who doesn’t post anything on social media. He just lives his life.

I said, “how am I supposed to know what you’re up to?” he said, “ask me”

What a weirdo.

In honor of Star Wars day today, I cut off my son’s hand and kissed my sister.

i made a promise to myself that if i ever get an island the first thing that i will do is put some dinosaurs on it.

I can still remember that one Memorial Day weekend when I had too much to drink and cooled off in my neighbor’s birdbath ten minutes ago.

CIA DIRECTOR: if u take this deep undercover assignment, u will have to give up ur own name forever
STUART GIGGLEDICK: not an issue, sir

God: *twisting an owl* I can’t get this damn jar open

*switches the place cards so I’m sitting next to the mashed potatoes*

Been given the task of creating the perfect fish pun and, friends, the struggle is eel

Google:
“Never run away from a black bear or approach him. Make yourself look as big as possible.”

Me:
*hands bear a magnifying glass*

[pearly gates]
ANGEL: bad jokes are not allowed in heaven
ME: ok
ANGEL: that means absolutely no puns
ME: abSOULutely
*clouds turn to fire*

[first day of zoology class]

me: what fighting style do geese use?

professor: excuse me?

me: pandas use kung fu, what about geese

professor: i don’t think-

me: tae swan do

Had a yard sale to raise some much-needed cash. I really miss that yard.

tfw you have a meeting with your boss, and you aren’t entirely sure if you quit or if you got fired but you definitely don’t work there anymore

There’s 3 parents in my kids lives and each of us does our best to raise them as best as we can.

My husband is great with playing games with them.

I’m good at taking them outside to play.

And Stevie the TV babysits them the rest of the day.

My son was brushing the crumbs off the front of his pants into the trash can at a restaurant and the waitress, thinking he was peeing, told him he needed to go do that in the bathroom.

Look lady, my kid only pees outside, not in the trash like the good lord intended.

energy cannot be created nor destroyed

My morning yoga routine has really helped shift my lower back pain into my upper back.

Elmer Fudd married Bugs Bunny. Twice. I think they had a better shot than you.

– me as a marriage counselor

Why does the couple at the beginning of a scary movie always have to be happy & sexy why can’t it be like, Pat & Deb, 56 & 54, IBS sufferers

Me: Grandma died, can’t work today.

Boss: Thought she died last month?

Me: This time she is for real dead. We poked her with a stick.

My kid, “mumma, what is ‘u’ doing in the spelling of a building?”.

I think Amazon is missing a big opportunity to get into the paint industry. They could make big bucks selling Amazon Primer. #tuesdaymotivations

My coworker is pregnant and they passed a card around and I didn’t know what to write so I just put HAVE A GOOD BABY TANYA

[First Date]

Sorry for the mess. My mother said pudding on a condom was important.

Forgive me father for I have sinned, last week I hissed at 47 people because I like to pretend I’m a mean cat

Even before the lock down, yoga teachers were working from Om

Hashtag Mind Chakra Blown

I’m stressed right now so I’m watching a show about the mafia to help me relax.

Interviewer: What can you bring to the Lego creative team?

God: I’m God. I’ve created a lot of things.

Angel: *whispers* Show him the platypus.