I think tonight while my wife is asleep I’m going to pull on the satin ribbon she’s worn around her neck ever since the day I met her. What’s the worst that could happen. One lil tug
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*swipes right on my hand mirror
“Better safe than sorry,” I tell myself as I send the 27th text telling him my feelings.
I was in the grocery store when Vogue came on, and while nobody could keep up with my choreography, security did let me finish the routine.
[boarding plane]
ME: Shotgun!
COPILOT: Can he do that?
PILOT: Looks like you’re in economy today, Ted.
COPILOT: *clenching fists* Damnit.
I think I’m finally ready. I’m gonna take the plunge even though at first it might be confusing and a little scary. I can do this!
Deep breath.
Here I go.*changes phone default notification sound*
[inventing napkin dispenser]
bob: it has two settings
ceo: ok
bob: one at a time
ceo: ok
bob: or 37 at a time
ceo: first of all i love it
Me: (singing along with the car radio)
Friend: You know why this artist sings this song?
Me: No, why?
Friend: So you don’t have to.
me: [trying to cheat in an exam]
teacher: I’m married
I’ve found that whenever God closes a door, Satan hands me a lockpick.
To the person who got hold of my voodoo doll.
Stop feeding it!
#Fitness #Diet #RubbishJokes
#SaturdayMorning
When my wife wanted to have a second child – her exact words were “it’s just rinse and repeat”.
To this day that’s still the funniest joke she’s ever told.
I’m about to go for a run as soon as I text all my enemies and let them know.
Where have you been all my life? Please go back there.
You wanna take this outside bro? You sure bro? It’s awfully chilly bro. Hold on bro, let me grab my scarf.
Wife: Talk sexy to me
Husband: Commencing garment extraction
W: Huh?
H: Initiating trouser disengagement
W: …
H: Removing unmentionables
I’m going to become more attractive or more delusional, I haven’t decided yet.
Wife: I just want a honest opinion of my outfit
Me *signing her up to a rap battle* and you’ll get one
Neat! according to this Walgreens blood pressure monitor, i should have died in 1998
I’m most like a dog when after someone has hurt me I won’t get too close to them again.
Also when I’m eating food that fell on the floor.
All the Christmas gifts I wrap look like they were done by a drunk elf with a tape fetish.
Forget first names. We should just name storms after specific people. If you told me “Jane Ellen Green” (my former trigonometry teacher in high school) was headed my way, I’d be terrified & take immediate cover
The Three Hole Punch either sounds like an awesome karate move or an awful bedroom experience.
My ex claimed I had a ‘hero’ complex, but whatever I think wearing my underwear on the outside of my pants is a bold & brave fashion choice
*controversially folds piece of paper lengthwise*
It breaks my heart to think that of the 100 million hardworking pads of paper in this country, only about 20% are legal.
the way turkeys feel about november is probably how treadmills feel about january
Me: Look buddy, I’m not here to play games
Arcade Manager: And that’s exactly why I’ve asked you to leave
legolas: you have my bow
gimli: and my axe
[everyone looks at me, closely guarding my sandwich]
me: you may have a SMALL bite
Not having money is a great way to not lose any money.
[sprays air freshener so my date can’t tell i just took a shit]
uber driver: what was that