I think Tuesdays are worse than Mondays.
You can’t use “It’s Monday” as an excuse.
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I feel so stupid — I just today learned that Stephen King and Burger King are brothers.
Me: You’re on my VERY LAST NERVE!
2020: Nope.
[at my comedy central roast after every joke] That’s not true
Officer – Do you know how fast you were going?
*Looks up from phone*
No idea
When you meet a flat-earther in real life don’t bother arguing. You need to immediately outcrazy that shit. “Don’t tell me you believe in ‘Earth,’” you’ll demand.
I want a pet otter just so I can introduce it as my otter half.
Se7en, but instead of deadly sins, the murders are based on different Smurfs.
I have no time for stupid people
But they sure do have time for me.
I tried to convince some McDonald’s workers to do the Harlem Shake but they said the machine was broken
My dog doesn’t wear a collar, he wears one of those big gold chains that major league baseball players wear.
My ex-wife got all the coffee when we split up. It was grounds for divorce.
Me: “I peed three times last night”
Her: “Don’t you hate getting up and going to the bathroom?”
Me: “Getting up?”
If no one comes from the future to stop you from doing it than how bad of a decision can it really be?
If you ever have doubts about whether people are stupid, ask a tattoo artist what they’ve had to refuse to do for a customer
Policeman:”Sir, we have sufficient evidence to believe that this vehicle has been stolen.
Me: how
Policeman: Step out of the tank Sir
Lorde wrote her Grammy nominated album at age 14. My son is 13 and has let the bathtub overflow twice while he was sitting INSIDE of it.
Growing up, my weather app was a window. Now I need two forecasts and a radar map just to decide how I should do my hair.
I go through the 7 stages of grief just to get to work everyday.
A thick layer of mayonnaise on all your furniture will remove water rings from wood and unwanted guests from your house.
Wife: *angry; flings wine onto “dinner guest”; storms out of room
Me: *consoles visibly upset raccoon
I parallel parked perfectly in front of my boys and now they think I’m possessed.
This is one of the many reasons that I am chubby
*walks through door to find entire family standing on various pieces of furniture
Me: Floor Is Lava??
12: No, spider fell from ceiling and we lost it
Me: OH SHIT! *jumps on counter
Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom
…but it’s just me attempting to recover silverware from my teenage son’s bedroom.
sergio leone: i’m going to name my next movie after you
the good: nice
the bad: cool
me: what’s it called?
My 8yo just reasoned that I should clean up the mess from her craft project because I was the one who suggested she do the craft project.
Laziness level: expert.
My son was so sweet this morning. He took the garbage and recycling out without being asked, so I really think we’re turning a corner on this grouchy morning teen thing.
In unrelated news, my son asked for $20 right before he left for school.
The journey of 1000 miles begins with a single step. They never tell you it’s downhill and you’ll be wearing slippers when it happens.
Ever look at your coworker and wonder “how are they still giving you a paycheck”?
[baby pushes food away as I try feeding it]
Fine. Die.