I think Tuesdays are worse than Mondays.
You can’t use “It’s Monday” as an excuse.
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my husband was trying to talk about Shrek but he couldn’t remember Shrek’s name (Shrek) so he called him “summertime grinch”
English would be much easier to learn if the guy who came up with the word “waterfall” was in charge of inventing all new words
John: we need a new word for foolishness
Tom: How about johnfoolery lol
John: Ok that’s definitely what I’m writing down
For a brief moment, I got excited because I thought my toothpaste said anti-plague instead of anti-plaque.
My husband and I are having a Fitbit competition, so every day when he leaves for work I attach mine to our dog. I’m averaging 25,438 steps a day.
I’m getting excited that my kid’s birthday is coming up…
mostly because I really need to replenish my gift bag stash.
Almost quitting time…Cheers!🥂
A completely valid reaction tbh
Joe, keep that beat nice and loose. Sam, take that bass for a walk. Ray I slept with your mom AND A ONE AND A TWO AND A
Don’t think too hard about why Santa would name a reindeer “Vixen.”
Cop: I’m going in, cover me!
Me:*speed knits blanket*
They are only bad decisions if you get caught
Told my son I needed some non talking time while I drank my coffee so instead he sat next to me and hummed the godzilla theme.
Gf: We’re gonna be late for our dinner reservation
Me: Hang on, I’m right at the end of my book
Gf: FFS he’s there, behind that tree
Me: Waldo you rascal!
Son: If angels have wings with feathers, do they lay eggs?
Questions I’m asked before 7am
Wife: hey take me out tonight.
Me: can it wait till tomorrow?
Wife: why?
Me: because tonight’s not garbage night, tomorrow is
BOWIE: We can be heroes.
ME: omg, yay.
BOWIE: Just for one day.
ME: I actua—I think it’s gonna take longer than that.
BOWIE: We can be heroes.
ME: No, I get that. It’s jus—it’s a length issue.
BOWIE: Forever and ever.
ME: I don’t…*rubbing temples* something between those, maybe?
Black ice is just like regular ice…
Except it’s a better dancer…
Thursday
Please, pdf is my father. Call me pdf (1)
Negotiator: I need proof of life.
Kidnapper: *motions phone to me* They want confirmation you’re alive.
Me: *sighs* Does it count if I’m dead inside?
Negotiator: Um, this is really embarrassing, but the family changes their mind. Good luck.
Parenting means begging your kids to leave you alone for 5 minutes only to freak out when it’s been 10 minutes and realizing that you don’t know where they are.
In case you were looking for a sign to lock your car doors – this is it
Pro tip: Make sure your email to the HR lady doesn’t say she seems too busty to handle your issues
Me: It’s time to get ready for school.
Kid: UUUGGGGHHH NOOO WHYYYY?!?
Me: Dude, this shouldn’t come as a surprise. You’ve been doing this every day for 10 years now.
[6 hours later]
Kid: What are we having for dinner?
Me: UUUGGGGHHH NOOO WHYYYY?!
I wanted a 6 pack, so I started Hip Hop abs.
Quit 1/3 of the way through.
Ended up with a 2Pac.
I used a maternity leave to grow out my bangs.
And that is why she will always be my favourite child.