I think Twitter is affecting my eyesight. I’m having difficulty seeing the laundry pile up
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BY THIRTY FIVE YOU SHOULD HAVE SAVED HALF OF YOUR RETIREMENT WHICH IS EASY IF YOUR RETIREMENT PLAN IS TO WADE INTO THE SEA
*movie voice*in a world of untold despair one woman will alter fate by staring at a wall
A new survey shows that most Canadians want homes and pets rather than marriage and kids. Especially people who are already married with kids.
My husband got me a really sweet card for our anniversary. I read the whole way through, and the very last part says “happy birthday” 😂
He was so close.
It must be very traumatic for my wife to be at work knowing I’m home alone getting bread crumbs on the kitchen counter.
Let’s pray for her.
Knowing that Tolkien’s original name for Frodo was Bingo, this is all I can think of whenever I watch this scene.
I’m the kind of girl who won’t stop until you’re screaming your safeword.
Related: Your safeword’s the first 16 digits of your credit card.
[spotify ai voice] ayo it’s ya dj, x. comin up, i’m gonna play you some music that sucks
My neighbours claim to be huge Disney fans but called the cops when I mowed the lawn Winnie the Pooh style
{abducted by aliens}
Hey guys…what’s your wi-fi password?
The inventor of cheese: This milk is nice but I wish I could bite it.
Every country has a wafer cookie, and every country thinks they invented it
ME: I can’t find my glasses
SON: They’re on your head
ME: [beer spilling down my face] lmao not again
Police Sketch Artist: We need to get his face out there ASAP. I’m going to need you to describe him to me.
Me: He looked like the type of person who wouldn’t be ashamed to ride a tricycle in public.
Police Sketch Artist: *pencil poised* Um…
Me: That’s all I got my man.
I’m not trying to tell you young brothers how to sell ya demo tapes, but those people charging their Tesla in public can’t go anywhere for 15 to 20 minutes. Just walk up and start freestyling. Freestyle to enough Tesla owners sooner or later you hittin somebody in the industry.
these physical therapy memes r ruthless bro
Interviewer: “Why do you want to be a librarian?”
Me: “I like telling people to be quiet.”
I tried to walk like an Egyptian and now I need to see a Cairo practor.
The best place on the internet is the reviews of hats for cats because every review is like “5 stars, amazing hat” and then a picture of the cat looking absolutely furious
[if my brain were a computer]
uhg why’s the calculator app being so slow
*closes math tab to reveal 53 other tabs all playing cottoneye joe*
“I heard that taking your shirt off can make you appear more aggressive and self-confident.”
“Ok, but we already said you got the job.”
My kid just put me in time out and I was just like oh no, I better think real hard about what I’ve done and take a nap
I hum “Eye of the Tiger” when I have to stand-up from a low couch
One more week not killing my basil plant so I’m a farmer now
A ceiling fan? Not before I visited the Sistine Chapel, I wasn’t.
5’s excuse for not going to sleep last night was that he has the hiccups.
He didn’t hiccup.
He didn’t fake-hiccup.
He just stated that he “has the hiccups”.
My wife says the kids look just like their father…
…and if I ever find out who he is, he’s got some explaining to do
I hate it when genies exploit your poor choice of wording to fulfill your wish in a way you don’t actually want, like dude, you know what I meant.
I was 3 yrs old when my mom was diagnosed with my brother.
Me: I absolutely cannot take a cop in shorts seriously.
Him: Sorry ma’am but I’m still going to have to ask you to come with me.
Me: Haha OK