I think Twitter is affecting my eyesight. I’m having difficulty seeing the laundry pile up
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I can find Waldo faster than I can find the bread bag twist tie I just set on the kitchen counter.
[hears baby crying]
Wife: can you go check on him
Me: there’s no way he’s finished in the bath already
there is no greater joy than helping to make a friend’s dream come true
we went from “will there be dinner” to “will there be doors” on this flight in record speed
On the second day of Christmas break my children gave to me 37 loads of laundry
I hope someday they make tombstones that have a short repetitive video of the deceased person, so that my last words can be “I’ll be back in a gif!”
Took the batteries out of the smoke detector to use in my remote cause I would rather die in a fire than have to get up & change the channel
you accidentally send 2 people to hell, and all of a sudden nobody wants to play with you anymore
“And we shall call it Kansas City”
Cuz it’s in Kansas?
“No it will be located in Missouri.”
What will we call the neighboring city across the river?
“Kansas City, Kansas”
I asked my husband to put honey on the shopping list and now it’s all sticky
Me: Alexa, tell me a joke.
Alexa: I’m afraid I can’t due to all the updog.
Me: (long pause) Alexa, take over my Twitter.
The Home Depot guy doesn’t care why we’re buying all this quicklime. Be cool. Stop sweating.
“Relax,” Arthur thought to himself, “you’re just being paranoid.”
[After first teeth cleaning since lockdown]
Okay. Weigh me now
People are all like “STAY OUTTA MY LIFE GOVERNMENT” and then they shut down and people are all like “COME BACK IN MY LIFE GOVERNMENT”
[buying house plants] hey wanna come back to my place and die
ugh i did a load of laundry earlier & now i have to deal with the consequences of my actions
I don’t know, just add a romantic vampire.
~The 2000’s
The horror when you realize you’ve drunk DMd a picture, the relief when you see it’s you holding your neighbor’s new puppy.
Friend: “I’m breaking up with my boyfriend. He acts like a savage.”
Me: “Fred or Ben?”
I thought I was smooth, sneaking away from my date to watch a YouTube tutorial on chopsticks, but all he did was ask in horror why I took my chopsticks into the bathroom.
Always a bit depressed when I pass my ex’s house and see that it still hasn’t burned to the ground.
Why did they call it Social Anxiety and not Hey Fever
Pro Tip: If you order two drinks at McDonald’s, they’ll think you’re sharing all that food with another person.
MAKE Easter easier by replacing the ‘t’ with an ‘i’.
“Jesus take the wheel!” I shout, but Jesus decided to pop out of the sunroof firing a machine gun at our pursuers instead.
Q: Why isn’t the moon hairy?
A: Because it waxes every month.
Interviewer: So, what makes you think you’re a good candidate for this Automotive Shop?
Me: I tire easily.
My daughter made handmade Christmas cards for friends and family. She decided to abbreviate some of the words to make the work go faster. Instead of writing “I made this for you” her cards read “I made this f you”. I’d correct her but it seems like the perfect 2020 sentiment.
“you’re odd”
“you are also odd”
“yes”
“so we’re even”