I think Twitter is baiting me with flattery when it says, “We’ve selected a small group for feedback.”
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I did not take a DNA test…
Turns out I’m am 100% not caring what I am…
When my wife and I married we both agreed we would never go to sleep angry.
Neither of us has slept in 16 years.
Deep in the black void where my heart once beat, there lies a small, glowing ember– oh wait no that’s a Cheeto.
15: I smell upsexy.
Me: What the hell is upsexy?
15: Not much. What’s up with you?
I’ve had to repeat everything I’ve said to Alexa today like we’re married.
When the company finally leaves and you can let one rip..
that.
Columbus has to be the worst guy to go to the mat for. The guy took notes the whole time & all of them are like “they were friendly so I killed them” & “note: we should do slavery here” and everyone else’s notes are like “I am trapped on a boat with a murderer”
Friend: Can you give me a ride?
Me: I’ll give your MOM a ride!
[Later]
Me: So Mrs. Tromlhorn, anywhere else besides the dentist?
[2018]
ALIEN: take me to ur leader
ME: uh ok *takes him to president Donald Trump*
ALIEN: lol good one but seriously where’s ur real leader
“Hello, Yes, This is Otter.”
People on twitter be like “yeah I’m married, but it’s not that serious”.
When I open the washing machine lid mid-cycle, I feel like I’ve entered a party where everybody suddenly stops dancing and stares at me.
Manager: If you continue to solicit your “magical services” to any more customers, I’ll be contacting the police. Do I make myself clear?
Me, lowering voice: You’re still pretty visible but I do know a guy
God: NOAH.
Noah: Yes Lord?
God: Where are the land sharks, flying spiders and the jumping snakes?
Noah: Oh nooooo, did I forget those?
Mom: Why do you have a lighter? Do you smoke?!?
Me: It’s for arson, I swear!
Mom: It’d better be!
I’ve been waxing my car for twenty years and I still don’t know karate.
Before seeing why your toddler has been quiet for 10 mins it’s best to first call the plumber and write your apology letter to the landlord.
Driving class: 10 and 2
Real life: 7 and french fries
I don’t want the baby mountain goat to die but I don’t want the snow leopard to starve. Why do we even watch these nature shows?
Why do kids always want to grow up to be astronauts or doctors or racing drivers or football players, but never quiz show hosts. They literally get paid for asking questions. Surely there’s some transferable skills there.
“sticks and stones may break my bones”
“got it, thank you!”
“wait there’s more”
“but you already foolishly revealed your weakness to me”
They said good sex was all about chemistry, so I wore a lab coat & slept with a beaker.
My toddler is practicing counting by dropping chocolate chips in my mouth and this is the kind of math I can get on board with
At my parent’s house, or as I like to call it, the world’s most judgmental self-service laundromat.
Good morning people…..I woke up feeling myself this morning….wait that doesn’t sound right. What I meant is I woke up feeling confidant
I don’t do exercise bc one time I kneed myself in the face doing a burpee
I sure didn’t win the genetic lottery. I can eat healthy and diet for 6 months and lose 10 lbs. I eat like shit for 3 and a quarter days and gain 73
How dare you just go on the internet and make a post specifically about you and your situation. Don’t you know other people have situations????
My grandad used to swear by refrigerators. And televisions. In fact, he was probably the most foul-mouthed member of staff Comet ever had.
[coming out of my bunker after the apocalypse happened]
friend: holly shit. everything is gone
me: i’m gonna try out for the nba
friend: what
me: i think i can make it now. do u think they’re still doin it