Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: no way you could see that with your naked eye

7yo: *shocked* my eye is not naked

I am going to the Antique Roadshow. Gonna slap my tampon on the table and ask them what period it’s from.

The Macarena was just a tutorial on how to fold a sweater.

If my landlord would just take cat hair instead of money, I could pay for the whole year upfront.

Wow so when the little kid in “The sixth sense” says “I see dead people”, it’s an iconic movie scene but when I say “I see dead people”, I’m arrested for necrophilia.

Is it because I’m brown??

I relate more to “Rice, rice, baby” – because Asian

Rapunzel is my favorite story about a girl who would do anything to have her hair pulled.

in a senior moment, i forgot the word for bologna, so I said, “you know…ummm…hotdog pancakes!”

I think it would be totes adorbz if I throat punched you the next time you say ‘totes adorbz’

Yeah I do yoga.

Ninja Yoga.

I’m so good at it, you won’t even see me there.

me at age 15: (stressed, worried about prom every day)

me now: (carefree, think about prom maybe twice a week tops)

Even in mid-air, when we
can see nothing but the clouds, my kid can still rock the question, ‘are we there yet’

“I made myself feel better about my husband being a giant, irresponsible, adult child by imagining what it would be like if he were dead” is a weird flex but ok.

WIFE: You said you were going to put the dog down

ME: *in tears* I TRIED BUT HE HAD SOME REALLY DEVASTATING COMEBACKS

A street preacher told me that gays cause floods, & my first reaction was to call my friend Ben & ask him what other rad shit he could do

I’m okay, you?
Yea. Not bad. You?
Yea. Not too bad. Wby?
Yea I’m okay. You okay?
Yes. Not bad. You?
Not too bad. You?
Yes I’m alright. You okay?
Yes ya know. The usual. You okay?
I’m okay thanks. How’re you?
I’m okay thanks. You okay?
I’m okay
Good
Okay
Bye then
Bye

how terrible do you think Maria von Trapp’s life had to be that she included “doorbells” on her list of favorite things

I will never forget the LA based company that wanted me to drug test for a social media management position. Like do you guys even know what makes the internet good

A sadist doctor keeps his stethoscope in a fridge

Jesus was the original child star who fell in with the wrong crowd and died young.

Sorry man, I wasn’t trying to kiss you. You just had melted cheese stuck in your beard and I couldn’t help myself

Ever notice how loud the sound of opening a beer can at work is?

I will punch you in the face.

OK not really – but I will roll my eyes at you, hard.

HER: what are you doing?

ME:
*closes page
*deletes history
*performs factory reset
*throws phone against the wall
nothing why, what’s up?

My boss: *flicks ash off cigarette* So I says to her, I says “Relax, babe, I only objectify hot chicks. You’re safe” lol

HR: *scribbling furiously* Slow down, I don’t want to miss any- AARGH! HAND CRAMP!

My husband breaking the news to my kids: We’re probably not going anywhere this weekend.
My kids: NOOOOO!
Me: ʸᵉˢˢˢˢ

Wife: Hi, did you eat?
Me: Did you eat?
Wife: Are you copying me?
Me: Are you copying me?
Wife: I love you!
Me: Yes, I already ate

The average person swallows 3 cats on their drive home from work.

Actually, Kara, love is an illusion created by chemical reactions. The most powerful force in the world is the invisible hand of the market.