Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Ever talk to someone so stupid you can actually hear them misspelling words?

watching Despicable Me with the kids, but pausing it for a quick PowerPoint about how stealing the moon would kill everyone on earth

[speed dating]

Her: I’m a little bit country.

Me: I’m a little bit ready for the next person.

“Robots will never rule the earth” I say as I stand up at the beckoning of my watch

Before I die, I’m putting fake treasure maps behind all my picture frames.
My grand children will be so pwned.

with both parents in the hospital the second most asked question i get after “how are they” is “how is your husband doing with the kids when you’re gone all the time?”

im going to start telling people he was unable to handle them so he sold them to the circus

I’m returning this head of lettuce. It tastes awful.
“Sir, that’s a loofah.”
Oh. I’m returning this loofah. Someone took a bite out of it.

I am fed up with all these incest jokes about us Kentuckians. It’s offensive to me as well as Uncle Dad.

Experts: A serving size of chips is 10 chips.

Me: I eat 10 chips while standing in the pantry with the bag open, trying to decide if I want to eat chips.

My wife always tells me not to take things personally, so I hired a guy to do it for me. He already stole a bike.

Guess I picked the wrong century to start a telephone booth repair service.

My 4yo refers to any time in the past as ‘last years ago’ which is about as accurate as when I say ‘the other day’.

(Watching him change a flat tire)

Him: Grab the jack. We’re gonna need it

Me: We sure will

(Hands him the bottle)

Him: The CAR jack

Me, 1st time in a corn maze: This is scary and stupid. Let’s go. Where’s the map.
Husband: I gave it to her.
Me: To the FIVE YEAR OLD?
8: Yeah. She had it, but she threw it at the Corn Man we saw.
5: And then he ate it.

I find it creepy when I am walking my dog and a passersby want to know if its a boy or girl. Why?? I’m not letting you have sex with my dog.

Can Happiness buy money?

I don’t consider it a good night out if it doesn’t end up as a super villain’s origin story

[blind date gets in car]
Okay, I wanna have dinner early so we can go to Petco & watch ’em feed the snakes. Unless you wanna do Petco first.

at the salon thinking of going darker for winter

maybe i’ll kill the shampoo girl

Me: please give my compliments to the chef

[later]

Waiter to chef: The sweater that guy at Table 7 is wearing really brings out his eyes

My daughter wants something “fun and not boring” for dinner tonight and I’m feeling a lot of pressure now

BANK EMPLOYEE: what if we stayed open later than 5:30?

CEO: that’s the dumbest shit i’ve ever heard

OTHER BANK EMPLOYEE: how bout a sign outside that displays the temperature 24/7

CEO: first of all, promoted

Intermittent fasting is how I drive, not how I eat.

Soulmate sounds like something Satan puts in his coffee.

Struck by her beauty, Issac Newton leans in for a kiss. He receives an equal, but opposite, reaction.

me: that guy is half drunk

Dracula: I was full. I couldn’t finish drinking him

This day in history. 1999. Eminem’s mother sued him for 10 million dollars acting on behalf of the family swear jar.

I told my husband not to get me anything for Valentine’s Day, now we wait…

Do not ask for who the bell tolls because it’s whom you monster

People are all like “STAY OUTTA MY LIFE GOVERNMENT” and then they shut down and people are all like “COME BACK IN MY LIFE GOVERNMENT”