I think u would all treat me a lot better if i possessed a small amount of plutonium
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👽Hey aliens, Since you’re in the area can you please come get me? I’ve got Coca-Cola and chicken!
Of course I’m a morning person, why do you ask?
Wife gets so many weird docs from doctors and insurance companies.
One is notorious for “click here to get emailed for password good for five minutes” password sent next day
The mid 90s teen aesthetic is making a comeback and I’m here for it- as a 40 year old who’s never actually outgrown the phase
For years I thought I was depressed. Then I got divorced. Turns out it was marriage, not depression.
Intelligence:
Below average – Loves Joe Rogan
Average – Thinks he’s okay and listens occasionally
Above average – Despises Joe Rogan
Genius level – Never heard of Joe Rogan
Top 1% genius – Have never heard of Joe Rogan but are scheduled to be on his show next week
Me: can you help with the dishes?
5 [licks dirty silverware] yeah.
HR: Did you eat all the mints that were in my jar?
me: No [some mints fall out of my mouth]
HR:
me: Yes [more mints fall out of my mouth]
Oh no, we don’t go in there. That room belongs to the spiders.
I wish gyms had a “montage” option
Minimum wage job description: Will be able to follow simple processes and occasionally drink water without spilling it down self.
Actual job: You’re now responsible for the concept of life itself and also go bring peace to the Middle East. Also blinking will get you fired.
My sign? I’m a Zebra, no grey areas for me.
Narrator: Ursula was indeed a Libra. She often confused astrology with zoology.
Eating a slice of pizza is hard when you’re going through the car wash, without a car.
I ate so much Chef Boyardee growing up, the only information I want from a colonoscopy is if my innards are stained orange like old Tupperware
We were stuck in traffic once when I was a kid and I had to pee so badly that I cried and my mom gave me a coffee cup to pee in and I think about that day every time I pee in a coffee cup.
Twitter keeps throwing in “in case you missed it” on my timeline…. I’ve been on twitter for the last 16 hours, I didnt miss it.
[trampoline park]
me: *needing to come back down every time i go up*
Sir Isaac Newton: holy shit
Thinking about getting married? My wife got mad at me for doing all the yard work because we are in a fitbit step challenge together.
When I go out on a Friday night, I choose my outfit based on what would look best in my mugshot
Just picked up half the middle school boys basketball team to take them for burgers after practice.
Not enough febreeze in the world to fix this car now.
Ugh, I hate when my bath sandwich gets all wet
It shakes her nerves and it rattles her brain,
Too much Swiss cheese drives my nan insane,
She flipped a stall,
At the village hall,
Goodness gracious, fête brawls of Gruyere!
*walks up to microphone during wedding reception*
*taps on mic; everyone smiles*
“Anyone that doesn’t want their cake, pass it to me please”
This is a true ally.
[me as a ship’s navigator in the 1740s] omg you’re gonna be so mad at me…but i think that was supposed to be our trade wind back there
Wife: I left the kids with you for a half hour & they dumped 3 pounds of sugar in the dryer trying to make cotton candy.
Me: Did it work?
Why is my kitchen floor so gross I just mopped like 3 months ago.
“What do we want?”
“Hearing aids.”
“When do we want them?”
“Hearing aids.”
9, playing an iPad game: Weird… I accidentally did something and my character became fat.
Me: Same.