I think u would all treat me a lot better if i possessed a small amount of plutonium
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What if I just start doing things that make me happy? Nahhhh can’t dispose of that many dead bodies.
imagine your credit card gets declined at the hospital and they put your appendix back in
“You’ve reached 911”
Knock knock
“Sir ple-”
Knock knock
“This is not-”
Knock knock
“ok, who’s there?”
Ben
“Ben who”
Ben shot real bad
“NICE”
Her: I want to fulfill your deepest desire.
Me: *gives her recipe for my mom’s peach cobbler* The crust is the most important part.
Dolly Parton wrote Jolene and I Will Always Love You on the same day. Today I put a wash on, walked the dog and I’m now making tea. That’s three things. Your move country girl, your move.
I have $12 in winning lottery tickets in my purse, I might just up and quit my job, today
Butt weight. There’s more!
FRIEND: To get out of a ticket, just make the cop laugh.
[later]
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: Uh oh here comes the tickle monster
I’m so sweaty at all times I think it would be biologically accurate to call me amphibious.
*caterpillar looks up at sky*
“My dream is to fly a plane one day.”
Other Caterpillar: You don’t pay any attention in science class, do you?
I had a jacket stolen from me tonight. My enemies will stop at nothing to keep me from maintaining a comfortable body temperature in style
And God said to John, come forth and ye shall be granted eternal life…..
But John came fifth and won a toaster.
Just once I would like to hear an athlete thank God for their talent and their pharmacist for everything God left out.
MY DOG (sitting at the dining room table, doing his homework): What does anthropomorphise mean?
“Let’s go over this one more time.”
“I know what-”
“ONE MORE TIME.”
“Fine.”
“What is it you’re looking for?”
“A garbage bag.”
“In which room?”
“The kitchen.”
“What do you do when you find it?”
“Bring it to you here.”
“I’m counting on you, Tim.”
Son: Smell me. Do you think I should shower?
Me: Yes.
Son: But you didn’t smell me.
Me: Yes.
Read my skeleton’s diary today. Anyone know what “loathsome flesh blanket” means?
If you are in a relationship and one of you has the better credit score. That is why they call it a significant other
(Sign-if-I-can’t )
“gravy is not a beverage.” ok well that’s why I was trying to drink it in the bathroom, so you wouldn’t see me
What does a cannibal eat for a snack?
Finger food.
When I texted my dad I wanted to be a barrister he was so proud.
Years later I achieved my dream, and as I make him an Mini Java Chip Frappuccino it turns out I can’t spell and he isn’t proud.
I’m not saying boys make things harder and messier than girls but I watched my son make a root beer float last night pouring the root beer in first so I’m not not saying it.
Me: I wonder why my lower back hurts
My period: yeah what a mystery
I love seeing cute puppy and dog videos where they’re loving getting pampered and groomed…I’ve personally never experienced a cool dog like that.
Mine always act like I’m about to sacrifice them to the gods.
What are a comedian’s pronouns?
He/he/he
I’m in your fridge late at night like this!
don’t worry, i’m not like other girls
*head slowly rotates 360*
Sorry sir, I don’t do colonoscopies until at least the fourth date, maybe the second sometimes.
Please stop summoning me if you’re out of sacrificial snacks.
What idiot called it blood spatter instead of axe body spray