Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Great. Only a single slice of bread left in the bag. That means until I find another slice, everything that happens today is in the sandwich

every nextdoor post is like “i saw a car drive by my house without asking my permission first. do i call the fbi or the national guard?”

My son just chose his university, which means for the next five years I’ll have two kids attending college.

Naturally, this morning I did some financial planning…marking the convenience stores I plan to rob.

I get about your body being a temple but… right now I wanna turn mine into a bouncy castle, it sounds more like fun. I’m all about fun.

[hotel fire alarm]

M: *in pjs* How did people get dressed and outside so quickly?

H: It’s 10am, they were already dressed.

M: impressive

I have a picture of my uncle standing on a tank he and two buddies destroyed in WWII. I cut my fingernails too short and I might stay home.

Sorry I missed your call

I was in the 17th minute of watching my daughter help her sloth toy crawl across the room to hug me

Friend: I’m getting married

Me: OMG, I’m so sorry. How long do you have?

I just vacuumed my dog to cut down on indoor shedding, if you’re looking for a life coach or whatever.

I have Buzzfeed blocked for 20 reasons: number 18 will shock you

4-year-old: You ate candy bars without me!

Me: No I didn’t. I just bought empty wrappers

4:

Me:

4: Next time buy ones with candy in them

Sometimes it’s just nice to sit back, relax, and watch shit happen to someone else for a change.

Then: He has a woman in each port.
Now: He has a woman on each server.

KATY PERRY: 🎶 baby you’re a fiiiiirework

KATY PERRY’S DOG: I hate this song

*bends over to pick a four leaf clover but gets struck by a falling ACME safe before doing so*

*wear too little makeup*
People: you look tired

*wear too much makeup*
People: why are you trying so hard

*start a fire*
People: calm down

Going to change my display name here to “Actually…,” so I won’t have to type it out every time I reply to a tweet.

saying “i don’t care” and then not being able to sleep because of it is my superpower

The biggest problem with prison is that you can only rearrange your cell in so many ways because of where the toilet is.

My husband pissed me off today so I told him that I can’t wait to see what he had planned for our special day tomorrow

There is nothing special about tomorrow

But there is something special about watching the color leave his face as the panic takes over

IF YOU CANNOT HANDLE ME AT MY WORST THAT IS FINE I AM A TERRIFYING AND POWERFUL THING AND ALL SHOULD LIVE IN FEAR

Jesus was the original child star who fell in with the wrong crowd and died young.

Me: *brings a cheesecake to a pie fight*

My enemies: sweet jesus she’s gone completely insane RUN!!

It’s easier for me to bite than my dogs, my neighbors finally get it

it’s dangerous to go alone, take this

Women who wear pink camo, what exactly are you hiding from?

Keep your friends close and your enemies tied to a train track.

Hb: is there any apple pie left?

Me: do you know me at all?

The BMI chart says that for my height I should weigh 160 lbs.

My skeleton weighs 160 lbs.

Christopher Columbus was lucky to have found America first. His nemesis Garmin Von Goögle Maps showed up minutes later after taking Route 2.