Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Normal Bar: Hey bud we can’t let you in here with that pocket knife

Renaissance Faire: Here’s 32oz of meade and a bow & arrow go crazy

i wish all

whales

a very

big

Okay, that made me chuckle 😂

HER: Does your dog do any tricks?

ME: I taught him to lie on the bed

H: That’s not impressive lol

DOG [gets on bed] I wrote The Hobbit

If your child walks out of the bathroom with a cup of water, always ask where the water came from. I know this now.

You’d seriously think I was wanted for murder by the way I react when someone knocks on the door…

I have 15,000 pencils, but I don’t remember buying any. Also, I don’t have a pencil sharpener, so none of them work.

boss: we have to let you go

me: why

boss: its the only speaking in lyrics thing

me: em…

boss: Although you’re not doing it now which is good

me: see!

boss: ok you can stay

me: *under my breath* a

I work with a guy from Mexico who doesn’t speak a lot of English. A Canadian goose made a nest by one of the paddock gates and hissed at him while he was putting horses out. He comes back to us after and says, “I do not like the cobra chicken.”

I just couldn’t get into “The walking dead”. It was far too unrealistic and fake for me. I mean, come on, an Asian guy named Glenn???

HER: I’m leaving!
ME: Is it because I always put Doritos in your shoes?
*she just turns & walks away*
(crunch)
(crunch)
(crunch)
(crunch)

Your lips say no, but your eyes say- oh shit she’s calling the cops!

No one:

My brain: the word ‘platitude’ kinda just sounds like a platypus with an attitude

*bites nails*
Sorry. Bad habit. I haven’t been on a date in a while
“I can see why” she says, pulling her fingers out of my mouth

[first day at the cia]

me: where’s the chandelier

boss: what chandelier

me: you know 🎶 party girls don’t get hurt 🎶

boss: that’s sia

me: i know how it’s pronounced i work here

Stand by me.

I need someone to blame for this air biscuit.

The only reason we have different time zones is because if everyone was sleeping at the same time, the aliens would make off with our stuff

trying to live my life in a way so if i get shot people don’t talk about how sexy and correct my killer was

Thanks to auto correct, my wife thinks I want to check out Stranger Thongs tonight.

Haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come me & my friend dale are at the park watching a priest use a crucifix to break up a fight between a raccoon & a telephone repairman?

If your friend says they can’t swim, don’t make them go in the water because they might be hiding the fact that they’re a robot and you don’t want them to know that you know.

me at 18: i have hundreds of friends i could ask to hang out with me tonight

me now: maybe the weird dude who spit on me on the train this morning would like to be the best man at my wedding

Extremely relatable.

White girl: “You’re [ethnicity] but not [ethnicity-ethnicity]. Like, you’ll [mild steretype] but you don’t [severely racist stereotype]

looks like stacy’s mom has got some competition

Outside of a dog, a book is a man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, though, it’s every man for himself

Dr: Check his vital signs.
Nurse: He’s got 4G coverage & his battery’s at 60%

When the @funTweeters account RTs my tweet.

Just yelled “out of my way monsters!” at a flock of seagulls, so I’m done interacting socially for the day

It’s cool, I don’t know why I’m still talking either.