I think u would all treat me a lot better if i possessed a small amount of plutonium
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Every day can be sparkly if you stick a fork into a socket.
Me, whispering to myself: When it’s time to party, we will always party hard.
“Do you want the latest dirt?”
-No, but I appreciate the sediment.
WHY ARE WE ALLOCATING EMERGENCY AID FOR THE ARTS?
Screamed by people who have been watching Netflix, reading books, and playing video games for 18 hours/day.
I find that honking the horn is an effective way to tell another driver, “You’re not going to believe this but you are driving a car right now”
[being chased by killer]
ME: *frantically pressing crosswalk button*
An online quiz guessed my age using some incredibly accurate super scientific data and it turns out I’m 25 years old. And obviously we don’t argue with science.
me: *buys condoms, tampons, lice shampoo, adult diapers, yeast infection cream, an enema and a pregnancy test*
cashier: would u like a bag
Humans have 46 chromosomes, peas 6 and crayfish 200. You’re clearly not that complicated.
Anaesthetist: Count back from 10
Me: WHY IS THERE MATHS? NO ONE SAID THERE’D BE MATHS
The chicken coup is unlocked!
“Don’t you mean the chicken coop?”
*Watches chickens carrying machine guns overthrow the farm*
No, Snowball
I keep all my valuables near the front door so if burglars breaks in during the night they will not wake me up.
Useful information: don’t turn around if a woman throws a shoe at your back. Because more than likely the other one is in mid flight.
Nothing like suddenly seeing a spider on the ceiling to make you realize you don’t need a nap anyway.
Can America keep it down?
Canada needs to work on Monday.
having a drunk argument with someone over whether a sexy abraham lincoln costume would be hotter than a sexy teddy roosevelt and somehow we’re both losing
I once slowly roasted a Marshmallow over fire until the Michelin Man gave me some free tires.
shampoo has ruined me — lather, rinse, repeat. it never ends. every time i rinse i have to start again. i’ve been in the shower for 9 years
Don’t sweat the small stuff. Don’t sweat the medium or large stuff either. Stop perspiring on everything. Take your sweaty ass elsewhere.
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🟧🟢⚪️🟡🟢not wordle, just some fried rice ☺️
sex is great & all.. but have you ever successfully poured liquid from one cup into another WITHOUT spilling it?
Fact: On aircraft, pilots have different oxygen masks than you. The reason is because it’s impossible for a pilot and passenger to share one mask. Idiot.
How come when a child shouts “This is dumb” at a wedding it’s considered cute, but when I do it, I’m immediately replaced by another priest?
I’m sorry but I strongly disagree
[in bed]
Him: What are you thinking?
Me: (blushing) I don’t wanna say
Him: You can tell me
Me: I wish I knew more about campaign finance law
Maybe you owe the rhythm some money and that’s why it’s trying to get you.
WE DON’T KNOW!
Whenever I’m facing a moral dilemma, I think of the advice my father gave me.
“Never leave a paper trail,” he’d say, tapping the glass partition between us for emphasis.
“Wanna see videos from my vacation?”
*shows home video of me eating a raccoon under a bridge
“This is the wrong video”
“No this is right”
in chinese “māo” means cat so when we meow at our kitties we’re just shrieking CAT at various frequencies
Thrilled that my 5YO started reading chapter books.
Terrified that she’ll find out the words, pages and chapters I skipped during bedtime routine