I think “Ur mom” is a sassy answer to any question.
Especially “Who gave birth to me” or “Who divorced my dad”.
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*Gandalf rollerblades into the club*
“YO DJ PLAY SOME DIRTY DUBSTE–
*slips on a drink & lands flat on face* “SCRAP THAT CALL AN AMBULANCE
I saw nothing
me: I feel your pain
french baker: ma’am, pls stop touching the bread
He drinks a whiskey drink
He drinks a vodka drink
He drinks a taco drink
He drinks a pizza drink– me with a broken jaw
Why am I like this?
#Shipping #Ecommerce #SmallBusiness #USPS #ShipDude
Why isn’t there an egg flavored Gatorade you cowards?
[peels off pepperoni]
she loves me[peels off pepperoni]
she loves me not
Sometimes I feel like people on Facebook share things as a way of saying “Here’s this horrible story I saw today. I hope it makes you feel like shit also.”
My husband purchased a world map and then gave me a dart and said, “Throw this and wherever it lands—that’s where I’m taking you when this pandemic ends.”
Turns out, we’re spending two weeks behind the fridge.
i made way too much chili and i’ve been eating way too much chili and at this point i’m like 87% chili
Grant me the supernatural ability to change the things I cannot accept.
Jesus turned water into wine.
I turn food into fertilizer.
We are not the same.
MAN!! My boss is always “Blah blah blah”, “You’re late”, and “Get me more pictures of Spiderman!!”
All of my best fantasies include a French maid. She cleans the house while I nap.
She danced her way into his heart.
-She was doing the robot tho, so she looked like an idiot.
Dance like you’re not the father
Me: I’ve installed a sensor to let me know when there’s any social awkwardness in the air
Michael Cera:
Sensor: *bursts into flames*
Smart cars are a good idea until you die in a 5 mph parking lot collision
My vocabulary can beat your vocabulary’s ass, arse, bum, buttocks, rear end, booty, backside, tush, tuckus and badonkadonk.
I am much less afraid of jail when I’m drunk.
interviewer: how do you explain this long gap in your resume?
me: self-quarantine
interviewer: but this was between 1998 and 2000
me: *looks off in distance, shivers* furbies
I have three kids. I should be terrified of sex.
Once upon a time, a man poured himself a glass of red wine and sat down on his wife’s white couch that no one was allowed to eat or drink on…
On second thought, it was probably a bad idea to start my freestyle rap with “I like oranges.”
I’m sorry I pretended I was dead when I saw you in public.
I went to the local art museum, I really enjoyed it and took lots of pictures.
But unfortunately I’m now banned until I bring them back.
The heels stay on during sex because I only painted the toe nails that were showing.
glass half empty: I just found an old banana in my kid’s backpack
glass half full: It’s only 6 days old
Witnessing me making friendly small talk with a new mom at drop-off this morning, my son:
“Mommy why do you keep laughing at things that aren’t funny?”