Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: I’m having a heart attack.

BFF: you are not.

Me: I am *burp* oh nevermind

I live in a high crime neighbourhood if you count socks with sandals.

I wanna be rich enough to realize that I can’t buy happiness.

“Hey baby ditch the zero *stares silently until lenses transition into sunglasses* and get with the hero.”

me: the most realistic movie i could ever watch would be one where the main character in a big city has to park their car about seven or eight blocks away from the building they’re going to

my priest, about to give me communion: is there another religion you can join?

ceimr

thats “crime” but in alphabetical order

organized crime

I am using the Netflix account of my
•little sister’s
•prom date’s
•ex girlfriend
How many degrees of separation are you from your Netflix account?

DATE: did I say something to upset you?
ME: *stabbing my pasta extra hard with my fork* everyone is entitled to their opinion about the best ninja turtle, Karen

[Whoville]

Neighbor: Man the Grinch sucks

Me: Yeah he’s kinda grumpy I guess

Neighbor: Nah man he’s a real piece of shit

Me: Seems harsh

Neighbor: *pulls out tuba* I wrote a song about how much I hate him

Me: Ok this is starting to feel like bullying

I hope the zombies start with people that talk to me when I’m obviously counting.

*sees sharp scissors, hot glue guns, and simmering office rage*

Maybe team building with arts and crafts wasn’t such a great idea.

they say plastic straws are ruining the ocean, so i’ve started throwing mine in the garbage instead

So what was my mom trying to say when she bought me a book on how to make friends?

The labels on prescription bottles are just suggestions, like speed limits.

What doesn’t kill you is just as disappointed as the rest of us.

[dentist giving me a filling]
Me: guh uh hag a hogreg?
Dentist stops: what?
Me: do you have a boyfriend?

If you hit a car that is blaring Christmas music before Thanksgiving, it will deploy tinsel instead of airbags.

Can you imagine if it was normal to say goodbye to everyone in the movie theater? “… have a good one.. enjoyed watching the movie with you..”..

I love when young people try to insult me and say ‘It’s way past your bedtime old man’. Bro, it’s not an insult, it’s a reminder.

How do I form meaningful friendships as an adult without enrolling in grad school or joining a cult?

When you’ve already coughed 3 times in class and you’re trying not to cough again

bro: she stressing u out g??

me:

wife: you’re drunk

me: I’m not the one who’s all blurry Carol

For a mountain to be called Kilimanjaro, it needs to kill at least 1 manjaro.

holding an old, ratty phone charger cable at just the right angle so that the phone charges is this generation’s rabbit ear antennas for a TV

🎶99 sheets of TP on the roll
99 sheets of TP,
You take one down,
Make it all brown,
98 sheets of TP on the roll.
98 sheets of TP on-🎶

Wife [outside bathroom door]: PLEASE STOP SINGING

me: it’s weird how you follow me to the bathroom

dog: it’s weird how you follow *me* to the bathroom

Nike is coming out with a line
of Air Brady football shoes.

They have a built in suspension feature.
You just have to let some air out.

Cute guy: Can I pet your dog?
Me: (several blocks later) I have soft hair too. 🙁

You do not have to prove your own humanity to others. Unless it’s a captcha.