I think “Ur mom” is a sassy answer to any question.
Especially “Who gave birth to me” or “Who divorced my dad”.
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me: dating sucks, lot of weirdos out there
me on dates: hey i had three beers before you got here do you believe in ghosts
Me (standing on top of my kitchen island): I CANT SWIM!!!!
That curb wasn’t there until I hit it.
*sets up 10 security questions for online account*
*clicks on “remember me”*
I’m eating quinoa for lunch so I better wake up skinny tomorrow because I’m not doing this again
Wife: Why is there a bouncy castle in the garden?
Me out of breath with no shoes on: I’m not sure.
EVERY SENTIENT & NON-SENTIENT CONGLOMERATION OF MOLECULES ON THIS EARTH HAS A BF. WTF.
WANTED: Call center workers with very weak english, poor communication skills and short temper needed for major bank. Bonus paid for low IQ.
Husband: My mom will be over in 30 minutes.
Me: *immediately starts cleaning the kitchen*
Husband: *immediately starts cleaning the one closet nobody goes in*
I bought some old lady reading glasses as a lark, a laugh, and now my eyes don’t hurt, this isn’t what I wanted
It’s rude when people ask me what I did all day like growing my hair isn’t enough.
My dog wakes up at 4:30 every morning so he can take a nap by 6.
According to the 5-second rule, if you drop your baby, you can eat it–so long as it’s within 5 seconds.
On the one hand, I want to exercise and take care of myself. On the other hand, it’s just more years of living on a planet full of morons.
Found out at my Doctor’s appointment that the disturbing voices I’ve been hearing non stop are called children.
What the fire inspector sees when he opens my office closet.
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[High Stakes Poker]
Dealer: Are you in or are you out?
Schrödinger’s Cat: [For the 20th time]
BOTH
[Player flips table]
Don’t eat my chocolate. I’ll be back Monday.
Him: We’re going to the river, I should bring my wallet
Me: No just leave it here, wtf do you need it for?
His friend: She doesn’t want you to be found with any identifiers
My 7 year old: *staring at my face*
Me: What is it, sweetie?
My 7 year old: Is my nose weird, too?
Kids are delightful.
*gets down on one knee*
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Me: you married?
Him: separated
Me: your wife know about that?
My wife is still mad about the time I seductively went under the covers…slid off the end of the bed…and then army crawled out of the bedroom.
Wife: How long has 5 been in the tub?
Me: I’m letting her soak before I wash her
I wish I loved anything as much as fitbit loves not giving me credit for all the steps I walked whilst looking for my lost fitbit.
I’m speeding because I have to get there before I forget where I’m going.
My Nissan uncomfortably seats 7 if any group of people wants to take an intimate road trip
Me: this math stuff isn’t gonna help us in the real world
[20 years later]
Boss: ok lift on three
Me: oh shit
Santa said I can’t have a pool boy ‘til I get a pool. Foiled again.
I do not want to cook the books
I do not like the charge you took
Reverse it now, end the scam
Before we hear from Uncle SamDr Seuss’s CPA