Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If your friends won’t go into a dark forest with you, memorize the ancient ritual text and help you summon a demon so that there is a fourth person to play Monopoly with, can you really consider them friends?

Somehow I managed to lock myself out of my laundry room. I don’t know the last time I was this happy.

I used to think Ol’ Yeller was a book about my stepdad.

Earthlings are the most dangerous of all the lings.

It’s adorable how I write “beer” on my shopping list like I’d somehow forget.

Husband: Can these gel packs go in the microwave?

Me: Absolutely.

*gel pack explodes*

Me: Why would you listen to me? I can’t put my pants on without falling over.

Hiking is a great way to get fresh air, exercise, and find spots to hide the person you murdered.

[doctor’s office]

Nurse: Can you step on the scale?
Me: Of course.
Nurse: (waiting)
Me: You mean now? Oh hell no!

inside you there are two whales, one is a whale, the other is also a whale, as mentioned previously

This Venn guy was sure bad at drawing circles next to each other

Do👏not👏remove👏the👏exquisite👏painting👏from👏my👏wall👏and👏open👏the👏hidden👏safe👏if👏you👏don’t👏want👏to👏find👏a👏smaller👏version👏of👏the👏same👏painting👏

A girl drinks 4 cosmos over a span of 60 minutes. 25 mins later, she texts 3 of her besties. How many emojis will she use? Show your work.

me when I see my crush

Lots of stores are gonna close as a result of this. That means there will be roughly 700% more Spirit of Halloween stores come October

[meeting a friend’s new baby]
cool so do you have any non human pets?

the sexual tension between me and an extra hour of sIeep

parents, bringing their problem child to summer camp

This married couple was eating dinner, he meant to ask his wife for salt, but What came out was, I hate you stupid Bitch you ruined my life

HOST: Welcome to “Die or Get Killed” the game show that no one survives

ME: Glad to be here, Mort

therapist: you need to enjoy the little things

me: like ants

therapist: not exactly

me: [nodding] baby ants

My Sweet Lord implies the existence of My Salty Lord, My Sour Lord, my Bitter Lord and of course the more recently discovered My Umami Lord

Still haven’t given up on the dream of finding a suitcase full of money on the side of the road.

“AI is coming for your jobs” I’d like to see AI get absolutely no work done and then throw their coworker under the bus as soon as their boss asks about it

asked my dentist out but she brushed me off, said she only dates plaque guys
Not gonna paste any more time on that cavitease, it’s her floss

These are so Plastic Man-core

My husband ordered takeout tonight from a place that previously ignored his note about pickles so he tried to make it stand out.

Her: I’m leaving you and going to my mothers.

Me: Hold on and I’ll come with you. I like to have a good meal for a change…

What about a To-Don’t List?

When the party host collects everyone’s coats and throws them on their bed, I just stay in mine and take a nap among the jackets.

[1st day at Subway]
Boss: u said u’d done this before
Me: [painting myself in marinara sauce] I’m really more of an abstract sandwich artist