Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: so you want me to buy all the presents.

Santa: yes.

Me: put them together?

Santa: yep.

Me: wrap them up?

Santa: that’s right.

Me: and then tell my kids you got the presents for them?

Santa:

Me:

Santa: I mean when you say it like that it sounds bad.

nobody let neil degrasse tyson watch acolyte, they have fire burning in the vacuum of space within the first 10 minutes

A very sad, cold hearted person sent an anonymous letter to my wife stating I was having an affair with a woman friend. I wasn’t. What has happened in their life to make them do that? However, the fact my wife and daughter thought it was so preposterous was really annoying.

“No mom, do not stuff shrimp in your purse for “later”

And other things I thought I’d never have to say to my 85 yr old mother at a buffet..

Melania Trump doesn’t want to live in the same place as her husband.
More than half of America feels the same way.

Kids: We’re hungry!

M: Dinner when mum gets home

K: She’s away for a week

M: OK, when I’m done tweeting

K: (sigh) we’ll wait for mum…

Me: want a grilled cheese?

6yo: no. How about a cheeseburger without the meat.

Me: you got it.

Wife: Get birthday wrapping paper and bows at the store.
Me: What kind of bows?
Wife: Birthday bows.
Me: We have a bag of bows here.
Wife: Those are Christmas bows. I need birthday bows.
Me: Technically, Christmas is a birthday.
Wife [rubbing temples]: Just..just do what I ask.

When someone asks me how my day is, I like to say “Still kinda pissed about Hiroshima,” & then start swearing in Japanese.

Sorry I got kicked out of the auditorium for yelling GET A TOMB YOU TWO during your little brother’s 9th grade production of Romeo & Juliet.

When I call back Domino’s a second time to let them know it’s been over an hour and my pizza still hasn’t been delivered.

Good guy in movie shot 3 times: I must save my family

Me, kinda sore from trampoline sesh: sorry gramma can’t make it to your 85th bday

All food is good if you spell it wrong

I meant to write, “on god” but wrote, “on guard” by accident and now I gotta duel with the homies at dawn.

ME: That’s a lovely aerial shot of the beach. Where did you get it?

WIFE: Google Earth

ME: Ok, you’re gonna have to narrow it down a bit for me, Sharon!

Person: *wearing cargo shorts*

Kangaroo: that guy must have a lot of babies.

spelling bee judge: your word is respect
me: can you use it in…a song
spelling bee judge: nice try

Do people who go to stores on Black Friday know that if you anger your entire family, you don’t have to buy holiday gifts?

I don’t want a sugar mama but maybe a sugar buddy. I just hit her up like “hey how are you today?” And she replies “Doing great, thanks for asking here’s seven grand.” 💰

My friend told his gf he’s giving up valentines day for lent… I know what’s coming so I told him that i’m giving up letting friends sleep on my couch

[in bed]

Husband: *gentle nudge* Hey…

Me: *removes ear plugs*

*removes sleeping mask*

*removes snoring strip*

*removes mouth guard*

Hey…

Husband: *sleeping*

Roses are red
Violets are blue
I need another cup of coffee
And a donut, too.

I was 15 before I got glasses that let me actually see the puck on televised hockey games. Before that, I thought it was just MMA on ice. Anyway, happy Canada Day, my friends to the north.

WW2 started from a game of telephone when Hitler said ” I hate shoes”

My mom asked me to text her at 5pm to remind her to get her thyroid medication so I do have plans

A horror story in seven words

Mom! Today, in music, we get recorders!

I’m so uncomfortable with confrontation, a waiter could bring me a bowl of cold black olives instead of my meal and I would quietly eat them and tip 30%.

U once broke ur toe? I once broke my foot. U had a baby? I had 2 babies. U have a bad back? I have a bad front. I can do this all day, btw.

I love all my family members and wouldn’t sell them at any price.

But just for the sake of conversation, give me a ballpark figure.