Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Surprise your buddy by putting on clown makeup and dying in his attic.

Bartender: what’ll it be?

Me: *pouring water on dino egg* we don’t know yet

New-to-school parent: I haven’t heard that — was it in one of the school emails?

Experienced parent: Oh I don’t know, don’t read those. Heard it from Becky whose neighbor’s sister-in-law works in the school office on Thursday mornings.

I want my tombstone to read:

Don’t feel too bad, he really liked sleeping

Not all heroes wear capes.

I peeled off the sticker that said “Don’t consume alcohol while on medication.”

I don’t need that kind of negativity in my life.

Marriage Tip: never go to bed angry.
Go to bed planning your opening rebuttal for the next morning.

Always be yourself.

Unless you’re Monday. Monday, how about you try being like Friday for once!

90’s style insults need to come back.

Been itching to tell someone they need to go to the clue store to get one.

[Family Dinner]
Me: Grandma, please pass the updog.
Sister: *Pinches bridge of her nose*
Grandma: What’s updog?
Me: Not much, how about you?

The instructions say to place the burrito on one microwave safe plate and to put another microwave safe plate on top of it before heating. Were these instructions written by big dishwasher?

English Language: ‘I before E, except after C’.

Keith: That’s not true.

English Language: Don’t make it weird.

Keith: But you just..

English Language: Wow ur feisty this morning, someone hasn’t had their caffeine lol

“Does anybody in the car have a heart condition?” I ask as I slide my Smash Mouth CD into the radio.

All I said was, Even those starving kids in Africa wouldn’t eat your cooking and my wifes foot became Mayor of my ass on Foursquare.

philosophical skeletons be like

You can literally say “the night is young” at any time of day or night. Nobody is policing this.

*writing suicide letter

Goodbye cruel world. Your going to really miss me when I’m gone…

Cat: *you’re

I like to put on a clay mask and lurk around in the background while my daughter FaceTimes her friends.

Cyndi Lauper: “Girls just want to have fun.”

Me: “Some of us just want eight hours of uninterrupted sleep.”

GHOST (rattling cupboards): OOo oooOooOoo

*family screams*

SECOND GHOST (screwing and unscrewing a lightbulb): what the hell are we doing Frank. they’re good people

Once I get my tourettes under control, it’s over for you twitches

How many times in your marriage have you ever answered a question with a question?

Wives – 3

Men – What?

I wish you could comment on Zillow.

Like “Wtf are you smoking this house is not worth 990k”

The comment section would be very entertaining

If you don’t have your Florida ID with you on voting day, you can always show them a photo of yourself wearing a tank top to a funeral.

Me: Will you marry me?

Her: No

Backing singers: She said no! she said no!

Me: Not now

Hate it when all of Asia tells me that I exaggerate things.

Having a kitten around is great, because I was definitely missing being randomly assaulted by five pounds of panicky barbed wire as silent as a shadow in my life.

Kind of lied on my Tinder profile and said I had a boat*

*gravy

Robert Downey Jr. will always be my hero, not because of Iron Man, but because he broke into someone’s home just to take a nap.