I think we all know that one person who seems to make it a daily goal to incorporate every color of the rainbow in their outfit.
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Does your wife know that you are in a relationship with your car?
Spent the evening varnishing my Grandparents dining room floor. Here’s a list of things they offered me in the three hours I was there…
The closest thing I’ve had to a personal trainer is the ice cream truck that drove past my house.
“How old are you? Wow, that’s really weird. That seems too young to be a bitch”
*holds finger up and chews for like 8 minutes after aunt asks me how I’ve been*
It’s important to set goals. You don’t have to accomplish them or anything like that. Just set them.
A bloke just in front of me got knocked over by a runaway shopping trolley and if I hadn’t paused to look at a couple of fish fillets it could have been me. I immediately thought, there but for the brace of cod go I.
Lying to stupid people can give you a profound sense of satisfaction, it can also make you president.
At least try to make it slightly believable
9: can you open this for me please? My palms are too sweaty.
Me: are your knees weak? Arms heavy?
9: what?
Me: is there vomit on your sweater already? Moms spaghetti?
9: oh my God! I don’t even know the song but I know you’re rapping again!
Me: are you nervous?
9: stop!!!
feeling cute. might rob a bank later.
“stop hiding behind your goons and fight me one on one” look buddy we all have the same number of hours in a day, it’s not my fault you didn’t spend any time cultivating a corps of loyal goons
At my age, “you shook me all night long” sounds like a complaint.
If you don’t want to play with me I’ll just play with myself!
– Overheard in 2nd grade today… Me too kid, me too.
Turtles sniff tails to find mates but when I do it, it’s “disturbing” & I “need to leave yoga,” or “at least wait til I’m off the treadmill”
If I was a doctor I would scare my patients by pretending to go check google every time they asked me a question
CEO: Long lines. Bad parking. No shade. Crying kids. $7.00 drinks. We need a good name.
ETHAN: How about “amusement park”?
CEO: [under breath] Genius
Netflix: Should I play this movie?
Me: No no I’m just looking at it for a second
Netflix: I’ll put it on
Me: I’m just literally reading what it is
Netflix: It’s playing 🙂
I like to say “Have a great day” before the cashier has a chance to. Power move.
How come Satan always seems to know exactly what I like?
Wife: Can you put the gps on mute, turn off the air conditioner and the music
Also my wife: why are you grumpy on this long drive
ME: What’s this bit here?
NURSE: …his heart
ME: Hm.
NURSE: Your résumé said you were a surgeon
ME: My résumé says a lot of things
If being a role model involves anything before noon, I don’t want anything to do with that shit.
Watching movies with kids:
If he/she hasn’t seen it, eons and billions of questions.
If he/she has seen it, eons and billions of spoilers.
Prank: if you’re standing at a busy intersection light beside a guy staring at his phone take 2 steps forward & see if he walks into traffic
Just because I quit smoking doesn’t mean I gave up getting up and randomly leaving the room for 10 minutes.
Research suggests that when someone disagrees with you, you should speak faster so they have less time to process what you’re saying.
[first day as a drug dealer]
Buyer: got any Morphine?
Me: I’m gonna be honest with you [searching through fannypack] I don’t know what Feen is.
I couldn’t help but wonder … is Russia trying to help everyone but me?
Answering every phone call, text and email today with,
“NOT TODAY, SATAN, NOT TODAY”!