Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I guess it’s time to start acting my age. Seriously when I was born, the Dead Sea was just sick.

My kids never answer our phone unless it’s a telemarketer, political candidate or person taking a survey and then they’re all like HELLO OH SURE MY DAD IS RIGHT HERE

The reviews for Cats are in (17% on rotten tomatoes), and they are spectacular.

I confess, when I asked you to put your feet in this bucket of wet cement, I had an ulterior motive.

Hell hath no fury like a cat reminded there’s food in their bowl.

We look weird together like two p’s in a ppod

Alexa, give me the winning lottery numbers for tonight

The Theory of Relativity: Time moves more slowly when you are with your relatives.

I’m sorry I pretended I was dead when you said hi.

No means no. Unless it was said in response to, “Babe, I’m making myself a sandwich. Want one?”

Quick tip for people who use mobile telephones:

If you’re tired of throwing away phones every time your battery dies, check out “phone chargers”. It’s a device that restores your phone’s battery. I recently invested in one and now I no longer need to buy a new phone every day

It’s kind of an ongoing competition between me and this cactus to see who can drink less water

It’s my Roomba’s birthday so I’m bringing him to the beach and I’m just gonna let him go crazy

Weird old lady in the elevator complimented my thongs. I was disgusted. Hours later that I realized she was talking about my sandals.

Nutritionist: Let’s identify those triggers that stop you from eating well, they could be subtle
M: I guess the main one is being awake
N:..

what if eric trump is actually a nigerian prince

Her: Talk dirty to me

Me: I’m not good at it

Her: omg just do it!

Me: You’re a bad girl

Her: oh yeahhh…how bad am I?

Me: Substandard

My reading glasses would look good on your nightstand.

-Me, flirting.

[leans against bus stop as bus approaches & winks at girl waiting]
I could easily afford to get on that if I wanted to.

Love will tear us apart. Also, bears, wolves and some other woodland creatures.

I like to sleep naked, I love the feeling of the sheets against my skin.

On an unrelated note I’m not allowed in Ikea anymore

I broke up with my boyfriend last night because his wife snores too loud.

*me, looking for someone to have breakfast with* wanna be friends with benedicts?

Hey people who say “look at our new baby”,
thanks for clarifying that because my initial reaction was to ask where you got the used baby

Being grown up is simply knowing that body wash is different from hand soap but the same as bar soap but shampoo is different from body wash and bar soap is not for your hair and we don’t put body wash or shampoo next to the sink or hand soap in the shower

The projected sales figur-
*phone buzzes*
the proj-
*buzzes again*
*checks phone*
Excuse me for a moment gentelmen I’m being owned online

ME: my wife and i are having a baby!

FRIEND: wow, that’s amazing! congratulations! sex?

ME: yes, that’s how we made the baby…

police chief: you are using the police dogs wrong
me watching a dog bark at a criminal in the interrogation room: give him five more minutes

Cop: Know how fast you were going?
“55?”
Cop: Faster.
“217.”
Cop: Um, no, 72.
“24?”
Cop: I already told y-
“Negative 6?”
Cop: Get out.

I’m not sure what my three-year-old needs more, naps or an exorcism.