I think we can all agree if the ancient Egyptians had twitter there would be no pyramids.
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[In the beginning, God created the heavens and earth…]
EARTH: yo
GOD: what?
EARTH: send nudes
GOD: *creates Adam & Eve*
EARTH: nice
[shows her my bedroom]
And this is where the magic happens…
[starts doing that trick where it looks like my thumb is coming apart]
She has style. She has grace. She has mayonnaise on her face
I forgot the word “retainer” and called my son’s mouthpiece “braces: part 2.”
*storms onto stage*
WHERE IS IT
*crowd gasps*
WHERE IS THE OXYGEN
*crowd continues gasping*
Hypnotist: you are getting very sleepy.
Me, a parent: I’m already there, pal.
I love British antique shows because every piece has a rich history and the Brits are so blasé about it.
“Do you know anything about this teapot?”
“My grandfather used it to beat a Nazi to unconsciousness while doing espionage work during WWII.”
“Mmm-hmm. Beautiful etching.”
Daughter: It’s Halloween…let’s do something really scary.
Me: You’re in luck…I’m just about to do the bills.
My mom was the best mom. I hope your mom spends today thinking about what she could’ve done to get on my mom’s level.
If the object of having a few drinks is to ” Take the edge off”, then I’m Spherical
*cutting the sleeves off a snuggie and calling it a thuggie*
Remember when movies didn’t show you the entire plot in the trailer?
“stop letting someone live in your head rent free”
other people: okay, you’re right. i will stop letting them live in my head.
me: I MUST FIND A WAY TO MAKE THEM PAY THE RENT
*poetry 101 first day*
prof: okay so today just pick a subj-
me: (incredibly loud) i call oranges
Someday my kids are going to eat their own pizza crusts, and then I’ll have nothing for dinner.
[donating blood]
Me [feeling lightheaded]: I’m gonna need that back
*gets down to snails level*
IF YOU JUST TELL ME WHERE YOU’RE TRYING TO GET TO THEN I CAN HELP YOU GET THERE FASTER.
remember the olden days when ambulances didnt have sirens and the doctors inside it had to make the sounds with their mouth’s
*showing my kids bobsledding clips*
My 5yo: *matter of factly* They should all be screaming.
Welcome to parenting, “your kid bangs his head while sneezing and it is somehow your fault.”
We got a tornado warning, and I’m too scared to open my windows. Don’t want any sharks in my house.
My newsfeed fills with “recommended tweets” based on my likes and retweets.
Me: YOU DON’T KNOW ME
Also me: oh look a puppy! *retweet
DAMMIT!
COMPANY: HIRING URGENTLY NO EXPERIENCE NEEDED APPLY NOW.
ME: *sends resume*
COMPANY: *no response*
“I can’t believe I own a Tesla!” I’m so sorry, is there anything I can do to help?
We skipped the hour where I was supposed to exercise. Oh well, Maybe next year.
It’s that time of the year when you are equally sweaty 2 minutes before and after shower.
I like how the dude in the next self-checkout lane is trying to disarm me with small talk like we don’t both know this is a goddamn race
Ice cream. Ewes scream. We all scream because there are angry sheep in this Baskin Robbins.