Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Every time someone blocks you, you should lose a letter.

“Hlp! Whts hppnng? cn’t wrt nthng!”

I’m evidently not allowed to call our impatient billionaire customer “Captain Busypants”

My doctor had to reschedule our appointment today and I’m not upset but I do feel like I should get a free prescription of my choice

*shows up to the funeral in the same outfit as the deceased*

“Yay Springtime” I say to the wasps busily building their nest on my patio.

Yes I can speak a foreign language if you count when I talk about the 80s in front of my nephews.

😂😂😂😁😁🤣🤣

They say milk is good for your teeth..you know what else is good for your teeth..minding your own damn buisness

[hotel]
ME: No minibar?
BF: No.
ME: Or room service?
BF: You’re being extreme.
ME: *emerges in camouflage* We’re survivalists now, Gary.

18 hasn’t had a haircut since the start of the pandemic, yesterday he let 20 cut his hair so he could donate it, today the post office lady asked what I was sending and I said a ponytail and not another word, anyway, I’m expecting to be on a list by end of day.

Boss I didn’t win Powerball please ignore previous text. I WILL be in today & everybody should NOT get fucked

This sign exists because someone at some point gave the alligators hallucinogens, right?

When I die, I want my decaying carcass to be loaded into a giant slingshot and flung into a rich kids bouncy castle.

The next James Bond should be played by a duck. But not a female duck, obviously. That would be unrealistic.

Yes I wore a $900 fuchsia southern belle dress to your kid’s baptism. When I was your bridesmaid, you said I could always wear it again.

What do you call a man who does all the cooking, cleaning and washing without complaint?

Single.

“One box of murder hornets, please. And yes, it’s a gift.”

[The Second Coming]
Jesus:”People of the Earth! I have returned with news of God’s love an-”
Voice from the crowd:”DO THE WINE TRICK”

If you think my tweets are horrid, wait until you see the live stream of my colonoscopy

When I go on a successful first date I always ask to go back to her place not cuz I wanna have sex but to see if she buried the guy before me in her yard

She told me my analogies didn’t make any sense.

It seriously made me feel like a biscuit in an elevator.

The minute you start feeling good about your parenting Stacy from Facebook posts about her son winning the Nobel Peace Prize.

{phone call}

MRS. TURTLE: Hello?

MR. TURTLE: Hi honey. I’ll be home in 2 hours

MRS. TURTLE: Ok, call me when you’re close

MR. TURTLE: I’m like 10 ft away

I hate when I think there’s an open parking space and then I have to run over a motorcycle.

Relax. Luxuriate rebelliously.

“You know who needs more attention? Celebrities. Maybe we could give them trophies or something.” Good idea, Oscar. What’d you have in mind?

It’s fucked up that probably everyone believes their pets share their political views

One of my biggest fear is being chased by Usain Bolt during zombie apocalypse.

Kylo Ren used to complain his parents were passive aggressive.

Well, boo hoo.

My dad was actively aggressive.

Just ask my hand.

My spirit animal just ran into a glass door.