Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

the highest compliment is someone asking for ur soup recipe and the highest ego swell is telling them there isn’t one

My kids said I don’t scare them so I just threatened to replace their phones with a set of encyclopedias and now everyone is crying.

My kid: “I want the new iPad like my friends, everyone has them”

Me: “And I want to vacation in Hawaii..disappointing day all around huh?”

😍😂🥰😂😍

the votes are coming from… inside the country!!!

The crappy spread on the sandwiches totally ruined the funeral reception I was at yesterday. I told them “I can’t bereave. It’s not butter”.

HB: *text* hey, what’s for dinner?

Me: Roast Chicken.

HB: cool, you need me to pick up anything on my way home?

Me: yes, a roast chicken.

NURSE: ur concerned about ur patient huh? Youve been pacing in circles for 10 mins
DR DOG: haha no im just trying to find a spot to lie down

Me: what should I do?

Dentist: stop eating sugar, drinking coffee and wine, cut back on stress..

Me: right but like realistically

The cool thing about being broke is you can tell your friends you aren’t drinking for a while & they think you’re getting your shit together

Wife: Hit the light.

*flicks switch (wrong light)
*flicks another (fan)
*flicks (disposer)
*flicks (nothing)
*flicks (some light in Canada)

You’re either passionately pro or anti-cilantro, there is no middle ground.

Guys will say literally anything to get laid like “you’re beautiful” or “you can have my last donut”, shit like that

Ok so he just makes this face whenever he meets a president I guess

I hate it when I catch SpongeBob halfway through and I can’t follow the plot

Dear lady arguing w/ the clerk over whether or not it is “good” champagne: YOU ARE IN A GAS STATION!

I just opened an email from the vet wishing my dog a happy birthday.

I replied asking them to call her because she can’t read.

IKEA violently attacking me for not having any friends

Left my phone in my 1yo’s room during his bedtime and snuck back in to get it. Then, left my phone in my 3yo’s room during her bedtime and snuck back in to get it. I am both winning parenting and losing my mind

An unaddressed parcel arrives. Inside is a diorama of your living room with a figure of you staring into an open unmarked parcel. The figure looks up at you and shrieks. You hear another tiny shriek from inside their parcel.

pantsless bc the day after international women’s day means women are half off

When I was a kid I thought shrimp cocktails had alcohol in them and I thought it was such a weird way to get drunk

I hope the mysterious food thief at the office enjoys the dog food marinara and Jello with my toenail clippings I made for him/her.

i want enemies

my life really started to turn around once i had a microwave installed in the bathroom

You haven’t seen rage until you’ve seen a group of women waiting for a yoga instructor who no-shows.

I like it when the clocks change because it’s a law that feels like a prank. The government’s going to change the time while you’re asleep. Next month they’re going to unscrew your salt shaker while you’re at work.

Woman on the tube: How old is your baby?
Mum: She’s two and a half weeks.
Woman: Wow. What’s her name?
Mum: Still deciding.
Little Girl nearby: My name’s Martha (pause) So you can have that for free.

I could never run for any kind of office because if someone published how badly I lost I would cry.