I think we can all agree if the ancient Egyptians had twitter there would be no pyramids.
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Baristas, stop paintin’ pictures in my damn latte. I’m gonna drink that shit not frame it.
I want a hallmark movie where the city girl goes home to save the family business, and realizes her hometown and her high school sweetheart still suck after all these years
Him: Don’t say anything about his hair
Me: Ok
My brain: HOW hair hairy HAVE hair YOU hairy hair BEEN? hair
I don’t need a security alarm because I leave all my shoes in a pile inside the front door.
ME: I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die
MY LAWYER: would you please stop saying that
The surgeon who worked on my shoulder said it should feel better in a week to seven days, which makes me worry.
[grocery store robbery]
ROBBER: *sets gun on conveyor belt so cashier sees*
ME(next in line): *slowly places grocery separator behind gun*
Who called it a witches’ coven and not a hex trafficking ring?
Waterboarding at Guantanamo Bay sounds super fun if you don’t know what either of those things are.
Nothing but love for the older woman who saw her husband staring at two people screaming at each other in the grocery store parking lot, said “mind your business, Morty,” before looking at me, thirty feet away, and saying, “you too.”
if you ever need to teach me a lesson, there is no reason to send three ghosts. a single ghost will do. im not committed enough to any of my negative personality traits to be like “sorry but i’m gonna keep on stealing from walmart unless you make this a multi-ghost situation”
If you’re thinking of getting a hairless cat, go the extra mile and get a catless cat.
I save a lot of money on all my tooth extractions by engaging in street fights..
Are black guys the ones with big dicks?
Because if so, I think I might be a black guy.
Cop: *kicks door open* it’s time to take out the trash
Cop’s wife: stop kicking the door
Dog: I didn’t do it.
Cat: You left a cup on the table. Now it’s on the floor. Clearly, this is your fault.
My girlfriend’s car got stolen today, so if you see a man driving a dark green Honda Civic, PLEASE tell him I left some Skittles in there.
an app that shows you who NOT to date called ok stupid
Nice to have free crisps in the hotel room and these look definitely fit for Consumption.
If you love someone, give them a possum in a box. Then you’ll know how they react in a panic and you might change your mind.
FRIEND: can you hold my keys?
ME: no [pulling another fanny pack out of my fanny pack] but you can
Of all the millions and trillions of literary devices, hyperbole is my favorite.
I know for a fact that the devil exists because I have to pee real bad every time I finish chopping a jalapeño
children: Are those Giant spiders going to eat us?
Dumbledore: Check out this toast that butters itself!
HI MOM. YOU’RE GONNA BE SO PROUD. I JUST WON AN ARGUMENT ON THE INTERNET. Sorry caps lock was still on from the argument. But I won.
Why did Yogi Bear only have a collar and a tie, and not a full dress shirt?
*Patiently waits as you all Google pics of Yogi Bear*
I wish I could just drop my body off at the gym and pick it up when it’s ready.
Laundry:
Washing = 45 minutes
Drying = 60 minutes
Folding = 7 to 10 business days
My favorite thing to do at a rock and roll concert is to yell “kiss, kiss, kiss” every time the guitarists stand close together and face each other to riff
I told my sandwich to “go make me a girlfriend”