I think we can all agree if the ancient Egyptians had twitter there would be no pyramids.
You Might Also Like
Having a teen daughter the same shoe size as me is worth every single eye roll and sigh she dishes out because my shoe closet has doubled.
Twitter is perfect for extroverted introverts. I want to be social & have lots of friends but I don’t want to leave my house. Or wear pants.
JOB INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
MARTY MCFLY: I literally have no idea.
I’m 100% sure Zebra’s didn’t earn those things.
Him: So tell me something about yourself.
Me: If you spell it backwards it’s flesruoy.
Him: What?
Me: If you add the letter p to it you can spell profusely.
Carefully choosing my grocery check out line based on the back of who’s head I want to beam hate into for the next 15 minutes.
My grandpa went broke like 6 times trying stupid get rich quick schemes and played tennis like 5 days a week never got good and then when he died we found a bunch of sex picture that he was taking with my grandma so I’m not sure that generation was much different tbh
Interviewer: Can you stand for long periods of time?
Me [from my wheelchair]: What do you think?
*chugging, distorted guitars, aggressive precision drumming*
Me: *wearing a bloody pig face and growling like a demon* One cannot step twice in the same river. I think therefore I am. Entities should not be multiplied unnecessarily.
Depth Metal
If we’re sharing dessert at a restaurant and you’re eating it at a quicker rate than me, I will kill you.
I will take your secret to the grave. Unless I’m drunk and revealing it will make me popular.
‘They always talk to me like I’m an idiot.’
~dogs in therapy
Apparently, 47 empty bottles of shampoo are fine but I leave one beer can in the shower and suddenly I “have a problem.”
Friends come and friends go.
Just make sure to hang on to the ones that think you are funny.
And the ones that bring beer.
Me: “I’m not going to spend any money today.”
Life: “That’ll be $200.”
Everyone always tells me I look young for my age, especially since I started telling them that I’m 72
[fight scene – me and a murderer kick a gun across the room and grapple for it]
me: [reaching under couch] shit
murderer: let me try i have longer arms
me: you do not
murderer: do too. stand up
[we measure arm length]
me: wow
murderer: yeah i got like a 6’3” wingspan
a man walking his kids to school told me to “keep going” as I was running past as if I was about to lie down on the tarmac and give up without his intervention
If someone’s embarrassed just tell them an astronaut did the same thing. For example, “It’s ok, Buzz Aldren once shit himself in an Arby’s”
One time an orca befriended me and then tried to steal my boyfriend
Honesty is the best policy until it gets you slapped.
Even on your worst days, an identity thief wants to be you more than you want to be yourself and that’s beautiful
i’m gonna allow it
Whale: Hey did you hear I have a new girlfriend? She’s aaall over me it’s crazy.
Eel: For the last time barnacles don’t count as girlfriends
90% of marriage is turning on a loud appliance when your spouse calls out to you from another room.
2000: I don’t want no scrubs
2020: I’m actually gonna need all those scrubs.
I’ve tried to be a people person, but people ruin the experience.
My trainer said that I have to stop referring to Reese Cups as protein bars
A thief has removed all the motorway signs in Yorkshire. Police are currently trying to find Leeds.
People keep talking about the new Star Wars trailer. In my day, Star Wars had SPACESHIPS!