I think we can all agree: It feels weird to say “The King of England” about a living person.
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(Musicians.)
If the final comments of your speech last 45 minutes, please don’t preface them with “and lastly”.
museums: why doesn’t anyone go to museums anymore
also museums: thanks for the $22. here are 87 bolted down ipads. tap on them
One day, I hope to give someone a small, very personal item and then gently close their fingers over it
A psychologist on a podcast I listen to just said “if you want to be less anxious you need to worry less” so thank god he spent $80k on his PhD because this is absolute gold
As a kid: I can’t wait to stay up late and no one can tell me when to go to bed
Me at 41: ope my fitness device just said it’s bedtime. I better go.
I told my grandmother to act her age…. then she died.
Spider: what do you mean I don’t qualify??
Army Recruiter: look buddy, this isn’t the leggy
looking for a new pillow and came across these ones that look like you just opened your own head that was shipped to you in protective styrofoam
Blood is thicker than water, but rhinoceros poop is thicker than blood, so..
Me: I’m a tenor.
Her: You’re a six, and I’m being generous.
My son found some handcuffs under our bed so I had to have “the talk” today…
I’m an international crime fighter now
WIFE: What’re the kids doing?
ME: Playing lawn darts.
W: Is it safe?
M: Hope not.
W:
M:
W: Wtf
M: Can’t afford to send both to college, Jen
Toddlers be like, “excuse me madam that’s my emotional support Walmart receipt.
Wanting to take a nap but the upstairs neighbours are doing the stampede scene from jumanji.
hi friends- for the new year I’m taking a break from life so I can focus on social media. if you need me you can find me here, constantly
I’m white, but not cage free range eggs in my quinoa-kale quiche for my gluten, lactose, and peanut free Sunday brunch white.
You may recognize me from many TikTok videos playing the role of Mom Who Talks Because She Doesn’t Know Camera Is On
I like my women how I like my government: open and unprotected.
Today I realised that fire engines don’t carry the water in the fire engine with them. Thought fire hydrants were an American thing. Didn’t realise we had them in the UK. I’m 36 and have two first class degrees
My insurance does not cover Jesus taking the wheel. I checked.
To be frank, I’ll need to commit an identity fraud.
my kid has gone trick-or-treating in the same costume for 3 or 4 years in a row. no attempt to entertain the neighborhood, just punching the clock and taking their candy. 🫡
Nobody on this train is decent enough to give up their seat for a pregnant woman & now I gotta stand here w/my sweater balled up in my coat.
just because it’s a bad idea doesn’t mean that it ain’t gonna be a hell of a lot of fun
space horror is the best horror. what’s out there? no one knows! big rocks. creepy things. sticky things. math! stuff on fire. big holes. big holes with math in them.
The sign at the zoo said “Please Don’t Touch The Animals” so I put away the book of poetry I was reading to them.
I asked my 5 yr old if she wanted to help me make a cake and she said that she doesn’t make cakes. She eats them.
Her face will be on currency one day.