I think we can all agree: It feels weird to say “The King of England” about a living person.
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Anyone know what emoji I can use for “no mum, I don’t remember the woman who lived 4 doors down from us 36 years ago who had no neck”? x
You never know how strong you are until someone’s story runs more than 5 mins
“MAKE GOOD CHOICES!!”, I screamed from inside the cop car
student loan “forgiveness?” so you admit. student loans are a sin.
As a parent, you learn to accept you can’t run away from your problems. They will find you. And they will demand fruit snacks.
I hate handshakes. The bones really mess up the blender and the knuckles are hard to swallow.
Making a wreath of all my kids’ lost teeth to hang on my door to ward off solicitors.
My neighbor keeps going fly fishing, but every time he comes back with just a bunch of fish. Those flies are crafty and whatnot.
Donald Trump looks like the nasty businessman in a Disney movie who loses out to a six year-old and his dog.
Anyone else ever wondered how long it would take a giraffe to throw up ?
I think my favorite sammich is ice cream
I stood here for an hour then I gave up and went home.
NARRATOR: When camping be wary of savage bears trying to take your food
*camera pans to a bear holding glass of wine with a wtf expression
Lifting up my shirt outside the piercing place as a cautionary tale of what a formerly-pierced belly button can look like after pregnancy
If every time someone asks you to do something you quietly gasp and whisper, “Like the prophecy foretold.” People stop asking you to do things.
Dentist: I would like the fish sandwich, please.
Server: Tartar sauce?
Dentist: *eyes narrow*
My brain: Hahahaha… Sorry, I don’t remember your pin.
My brain, 5 minutes later: Hey, I know you already paid cash but I remember that pin now.
My hobby is removing unnecessary apostrophes from business signs in the dead of night
I love when kids are like “Ah ya gaba boo ma beeba” and their parents are like, “yes that’s right liam we DID have so much fun in New Hampshire last Fourth of July!”
*watching The Revenant*
*rewind*
*play*
*rewind*
*play*
*rewind*
*play*Him: What are you doing?
Me: Taking notes for when I fight a bear.
You’re on your deathbed. You gather the strength to utter your last words “Boxers with pockets,” you say. “You’ll never have to wear pants.”
My kid saw a pic of teen me and almost thought it was her. I pointed to myself and said look close, here’s your future. To which she replied, “not if I take care of myself, mom”.
Free to good home. Vaccines are up to date.
Summer Olympics is just me swimming in sweat and wrestling with my sports bra
Hey where’s Brian?
“Oh he’s taking a p_ _p”
A what?
“Um dropping a d_ _c_”
Huh?
“Taking a sh_t….Uhh Cr_p!”
Oh! He’s evacuating his vowels?
A thief has come into my home, and taken all but one of my sticks of mozzarella cheese. Everyone, lock your doors!
People almost never do the cute little Pillsbury dough boy noise when you poke them in the stomach. Everything is a lie
Went to a parade.
For an hour, bored people on floats waved.
For an hour, My 2-year-old waved back.
It was the greatest day of her life.
Grilled cheese is named after its creator, Grilliam Cheeseford Jr.
Bird: Can I eat bugs off you and use you as a toilet?
Rhino: What’s in it for me?
Bird: I’ll warn you of danger
Rhino: I don’t have predators
Bird:
Rhino:
Bird: Okay I was trying to be polite but this is happening
Me: Make me look more rugged & manly, but on a budget
Plastic Surgeon: *gives me a roundhouse to the face*
Me: *spitting teeth out* perfect