I think we figured out which one was Destiny’s child.
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Willy Wonka making Charlie the CEO of the Wonka company was actually a pretty smart business move considering the lawsuits the company will be getting after the murder tour
Her: I really like old fashioned men.
Me (trying to impress): I have polio.
6yo: What does it feel like to be invisible?
Me: (on toilet) I wish I knew.
Only people who grew up before the internet will remember these: spelling, grammar and punctuation.
I practice social distancing by wearing my murder clown costume when I’m out in public.
KID: where do babies come from
ME: [interrupts] and how do we stop that
I become instantly beautiful when I put on my sunglasses.
-Every girl, ever.
Being a parent is less like opening a wardrobe to find Narnia & more like opening a sock drawer to find a potato chip.
All I need is to hear those 3 special words
“Want a sandwich?”
I feel a bit overdressed here at WalMart because my pajamas match.
[first day as a security guard] this painting needs eyes
every. time.
I was ringing this 0800 number for two days before I realised it was their opening hours.
Would you rather fight one 800lb gorilla or 800 1lb gorillas that trust you as their parent?
I don’t know if this is a bacon bit or a scab, but either way it’s delicious.
…and then the whiskey whispered “You should totally tell her about what your ex used to do to you in bed.”
“Are you a secret shopper? You have to admit it if I ask. It’s the law.”
“That’s only for narcs.”
“That sounds like something a secret shopper would say…”
People say the greatest threat to humanity right now is climate change and that’s true, but if squirrels and pigeons ever team up against us it’s game over, you guys.
A hawk swooped low to fly alongside my car, and for a moment I felt at one with the universe. We both were going somewhere, the hawk and I. Also, each of us was eating a mouse
Bedtime:
Brush teeth
Put on pjs
Read
Turn off light
Put them back in bed
Put them back in bed
Threaten everything they love
Put them back
If horror movies have taught me anything, it’s lock up your butcher knives if your child addresses you as “mother” or “father.”
-Waiter please, I’ll have a Sprite, thank you.
-Sorry we only have Coke.
-OK an eightball then.
Ate a healthy dinner, so I’m having pringles for dessert.
My husband’s family tree is more like a rosebush.
It’s filled with pricks.
It’s bad when the hackers try to return your stolen identity.
Say what you will about Facebook but when my wife sees posts by my extended family, at least I don’t look so bad.
Sports bra is so tight my cleavage starts at my chin
Me: I don’t run.
Bees: Let’s see.
you telling me a banana nut in this bread