I think we figured out which one was Destiny’s child.
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‘It’s ok, I’m from the internet’, I whisper from under your bed as you call the police.
I’m a lady on the streets but a silly fake ghost in the sheets
[Ventriloquist Mafia]
“Oh we have ways of making people talk.”
Doc gave me new meds & I forgot what he said to do with the old meds so been taking em all and boy o boy what a day.
who did the taste test?
ME: how will i die
FORTUNE TELLER: you will be hit by a car
ME: will my wife miss me
FORTUNE TELLER: perhaps i wasn’t clear
In what is potentially a gross misunderstanding of Christmas in general, my 2.5yo has hidden her wallet ahead of Santa’s arrival.
[crashing my bike]
spin class instructor: how did you do that
She says, the kids want to go to the circus.
I say, that I just saved us $400 by jumping out of the kid’s closet wearing a clown costume.
This train was so long I had time to file my nails and my taxes.
Keep a few cat turds in your pockets, just in case a cop searches you. He will get cat poop on his hands, and you can laugh. It’s all legal.
Batman: [sees signal] what’s the emergency
Commissioner Gordon: why weren’t you at my birthday party
Cat: HUMAM! AM LEARN U CAN WIN MANY MONEY IF U DO A BET ON AN SPORTS
Me: yeah that’s true
Cat: MONEY GET MANY FOOD
Me: also true
Cat: WELL
Cat: CAT AM HAVE FOOLPROOF WAY 2 KNOW WHICH SPORTS TEAM 2 PICK
Me: oh
Cat: DO A BET ON AN TEAM WHO HAS MOST SCORE AT END OF GAME
Me: thanks
Never let kids google names of Pokémon characters unsupervised, Squirtle in particular
I had to start baking my own cakes and cookies because I’m no longer allowed in the bakery, in my defense I thought those were all samples.
Thought it was funny when my 2yo was walking around saying “where are my keys!?” like his dad but now he’s saying “where’s my purse?!” and he’s gone too far.
You know what I’m hoping is in my Easter basket this year?
A nap.
(Just kidding. Moms don’t get baskets.)
(Or naps.)
Too many catfish out there. Verify your identity by posting yourself holding a spoon. I’ll go first
Urgent care waiting room is an oxymoron
I actually think a giant wooden horse filled with soldiers would work BETTER to infiltrate a city now. Like, what’s the chance of someone trying that move twice?
imagine being a young up-and-coming actor starring opposite a film legend. how do u keep a straight face while doing some weird lines? like you’re in a movie about england and u have to look meryl streep in the eye and say “bollocks, i’m more chuffed than a bloody crumpet innit”
I shaved my legs and now my socks keep falling down.
Life is hard.
Spider-Man, but set in rural Norfolk so he just has to walk everywhere.
“I loves hows you’ve done me spinach Doc!” Popeye tells his host.
Hannibal winks. “The secret is to add a bit of Olive Oil.”
Every year on Valentine’s Day, I put a smile on my wife’s face
by taking down the Christmas tree.
Joel Osteen wouldn’t open his megachurch to flood victims. Let’s not jump to conclusions. Maybe he has two of every kind of animal in there.
The horror when you realize you’ve drunk DMd a picture, the relief when you see it’s you holding your neighbor’s new puppy.
Me: “This new flavour of Pringles is horrible.”
Wife: “You’re eating a tube of tennis balls.”
I’m no fan of Smokey the Bear. He’s just the first step on the slippery slope to vigilantism.