Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Whoever coined, “No good deed goes unpunished,” must have fed some seagulls.

Friend: What a cute baby! Boy or girl?

Me: Guess

Friend: What’s its name?

Me: Spork

My son said that he was bored so I told him he could vacuum, dust or clean the kitchen & Oh! Look at that!

He’s nowhere to be found.

My son has a hard time waking up in the morning so he downloaded an obnoxious sounding alarm on his phone to ensure he wouldn’t oversleep.

So far the only people awake from it this morning are me, my husband & our neighbors.

I think my toddler said her first three word sentence today. I was so proud! I asked her if she wanted a hug and she said “no want it!”

Do lady dolphins ever get tattoos of 19-yr-old community college students?

[Couples counseling]
“It’s not good to keep these things bottles up, you know”
Okay, fine
*opens jar of wasps*

it’s so stupid how stores are already selling halloween candy, like anybody is actually going door-to-door this year,

..today i bought a 5lb bag.

I have a Brown Paper Belt in Origami

[Star Wars Episode VII scene]

Princess Leia: I love you Han.

Han Solo: *favs but doesn’t reply*

Jingling your keys in front of a crying baby is a great way to distract them while you steal their wallet

traveling back in time to proudly inform benjamin franklin that my stove has wifi

My phone dies, freeing me from my prison. I look up at the world. Deer live in my house.

Her: What did you get for Valentine’s Day?

Me: Drunk!

“Now, remember,” I say, waving my tweezers. “You eyebrows aren’t twins; they’re nearly identical cousins trying to outdo each other in order to become executor of their grandfather’s will.”

*wakes up*
*frantically searches the bed for the donut I was eating in my dream*

[sees huge guy at the gym]
Me: do you take steroids
*guy spends 15 minutes talking me thru his diet plan*
Me: when do you eat the steroids

[answers batphone] Hi, thanks for calling the batcave. This batcall may be batmonitored or batrecorded for batquality batassurance batpurposes

Just back from my first rap battle. Complete disaster. I thought it was a nap battle and when the other guy saw my pajamas I was doomed.

I’ve never seen anything sadder than me in a black cape under the salon lights with wet hair parted incorrectly by a solid inch

Time is said to be a great healer, which is presumably why the waiting lists are so long.

Fight fire with water. Idiots.

first you must answer his riddles

I’m a dentist and I graduated with 68 other ones. I’ve met even more in 13 years as a dentist. None of us have been asked shit about our opinions on toothpastes.

If my body is ever found dead on a jogging trail, just know I was murdered elsewhere and dumped there.

So because my friend helped me move, now I’m expected to go help him move? How is that fair?

ME: [googling Why Do I Have A Migraine?]

GOOGLE: You need caffeine. You drink too much caffeine. You need sleep. You sleep too much. You need to eat. Food can cause migraines. The weather changed & you should’ve figured out how to control that. You need to go back in time and-

When I run into an old friend, and I have no idea what they’ve been up to, I just say, “I love your podcast.” Haven’t been wrong yet.

Never throw sunglasses in an argument. If they land perfectly on your opponent’s face there is no known comeback.

“First time caller, long time listener” is a creepy thing to say if you aren’t calling a radio station.