I think we might have to review our policy on emotional support animals.
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I only carry cash anymore in case I need to make a dramatic exit in the middle of coffee with a detective
When I walk through automatic doors sometimes I think I’m controlling them with my mind, that’s normal right?
How to cast a summoning spell to bring your children to you, wherever you are: Watch the first 44 minutes of a 51-minute-long murder mystery.
I keep forgetting my passwords so I changed them all to one that’s super easy for me to remember:
InsufficientFundsContactYourBank00.00
Seagulls are when the sea clenches its pelvic floor
Doctor: I’m sorry son, it appears you have… Jenga-itis
Me: [trying to pull the doctor’s shoes off without him falling over] is it bad?
a 9-5 is two hours of work and 6 hours of anxiously trying to justify my existence to my employer
Baller is short for ballerina
[Fairground]
Son: Daddy can I have a balloon?
Me: If you’re good.
Son: Good at what?
Me: Buying your own balloons
I dunno Discovery Channel, if you think crabs are the deadliest thing you can catch, you’ve obviously never slept with my sister Ashley.
getting really tired of taking a girl out for drinks, then dropping by her house on the following day and being told by her mum “you must have the wrong house” [motioning to a black-and-white photograph of my date from the night before] “Sarah died thirteen years ago last night.”
Spoiler Alert: In the season finale of Game of Thrones, YOU die.
– Will you donate your organs when you die?
– No, I will not do anything when I die. I will be dead.
Interviewer: “Your resume says you’re paranoid.”
Me: “My resume has been talking behind my back?”
I would never want to go on a date with The Kool-Aid man partially because he is a large juice but mainly because I think the financial strain from the wall repair bills would cause issues in our relationship.
I hate it when someone says “here’s the thing…” and then doesn’t give me a thing.
is nasa ok
I wish I had the free time of someone who leaves a positive Amazon review for a rake
Based on the rate of sagging pants, it is predicted that by 2017, people will just pull their pants behind them with a rope.
Me: Hi Gammy.
Her: Do I know you?
Me: When did she get amnesia?
Sister: She doesn’t have amnesia. She owes you money.
Retweet if you’re naughty! Star if you love Jesus! Reply if you’d like to meet him!
All I wanna do is
[gun shot noise]
[cash register noise]
[organ noise]
[saxophone noise]
[cow noise]
[cat noise]
Fix this broken synthesizer
Me: You can’t arrest me. I have to run a marathon today.
Cop: Stop playing the race card.
[pirate ship capturing another ship]
Pirate: Prepare to be bored!
Other Captain: Don’t you mean boarded?
*pirate opens stamp collection*
Someone suggested that I try Acupuncture. I don’t think adding more pricks will make a difference.
[ Police interrogation room ]
Perp: I ain’t telling you shit.
Bad cop: We have ways to make a smooth criminal talk.
Thriller cop: You look like a pretty young thing.
Perp: I moisturize. Still ain’t telling you shit.
I use a wheelchair. I’m in charge of distributing nonalcoholic beverages at parties. I roll with the punches.
Them: Do any vampires die in this movie?
Me: No it’s pretty low stakes.
It’s incredible how fast toddlers move. I had my eyes on my 1yo and looked away for 30 seconds and now I need to pick her up at the airport.
I hum “Eye of the Tiger” when I have to stand-up from a low couch