I think we might have to review our policy on emotional support animals.
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Just got another idiot, who now thinks he’s good at karate, to paint my fence and wax my cars. Lol.
*Mr. Miagi on Twitter
Today is the Winter Solstice, the shortest day of the year. Unless, of course, you’re waiting in line at Wal-mart.
Our toilet seat lid broke. My husband is shopping Amazon for a new seat. “We can save 11% by getting a used one!”
Based on this ideal weight chart, I should be big boned, 3 inches taller, and a man.
If you never include your body in your selfies, I am forced to assume that you don’t have one.
Carry on floating head selfie chick.
Sorry I was asleep when you texted me and just woke up when we ran into each other just now
In relationships, it’s important to pay attention to the person’s likes and dislikes. My parole officer, for example, hates to be tickled.
Just found out my old gym is a 5 Guys now
Renewed my membership this morning
Me: I just want to meet someone like me. Someone interesting.
Them: well which is it?
at ease…shoulder.
ME: I got you a therapy cat
WIFE: THAT’S A LION!
ME: I wouldn’t yell around Roarschach
love the HBO account having a prewritten response to “god damn no one can see shit on your show it’s too dark” comments
Housetraining our dog which is why my participation in this morning’s Zoom meeting ended with, “Well, right now I’m working on upgrading myNOOOOOO NOO NO OUTSIDE OUTSIDE”
I don’t want Happy Hour at a bar.
I want Angry Hour at the grocery store when I get discounts on groceries they rearranged since the last time I went there and shopped.
Mum, that’s not a picture of Jesus
Stop paying your bills and you’ll get the customer service you’re looking for.
“Uhm, EXCUSE me, my eyes are out HERE.” — Hammerhead sharks
Ex: will you take me out for my birthday?
Me, grabbing my pistol: I thought you’d never ask
Every 60 seconds in Africa, a minute passes.
“I love this song!”
“This is my favorite song!”
“I love this song!”
“No, THIS is my favorite song!”
~ Me, listening to my own playlist
big day for dogs who love to absolutely lose their shit when the doorbell rings
How much for the soulmate?
Ma’am, that’s a bag of Doritos.
cool knife. it would look even cooler on my bedroom floor
I hate it when some random company refers to me as their “customer.”
I’m like, look we had one night of drunken shopping, we are NOT in a relationship.
*turns TV off*
“THEY HAD CAMERAS EVERYWHERE BUT NOBODY SAW THE TOYS WALKING AROUND?!”– me every time I watch Toy Story 3
My kids played camping today and my job was to stay in the tent and sleep, I’ve never been so good at a game before
When you say married… Do you mean married married… or just married?
Pancake mix is too thick. Adds water. Pancake mix is too runny. Adds mix. Pancake mix is too thick. Adds water. Feeds family 120 pancakes.
If a rookie ever pulls a gun on me and says “stop or I’ll shoot” I‘ll simply smirk and say “not with the safety on”, causing him to check and giving me the time I need to grab a gun, put on a bullet proof vest, do some elite training/conditioning, fire off some practice rounds,