I think we might have to review our policy on emotional support animals.
You Might Also Like
Working hard at building up my self confidence! (that’s what I named my new Lego set)
I own a lot of cleaning supplies for someone whose friends inscribed “dust me” on my coffee table recently.
All of Star Wars is basically just about flying through different kinds of canyons. The plot is only there to create reasons to fly through canyons
Tell me I’d look good in a potato sack or lose me forever
I’d like to do more voiceover work if anybody’s got a lead or anything. I sound like a freaky guy and am famous for accepting payment.
Tit for tat is just exchanging one palindrome for another, much dirtier, palindrome.
Looking for a nice bog witch to settle down with
The Martian, 2015: Matt Damon tries to prove how Irish he is by growing potatoes on Mars then leaving because he’s hungry.
My kids do not talk to me like I’m their best chance of an organ donation.
Hey girl, are you the week-old leftover Chinese food I ate for lunch because you are not agreeing with me.
IF ANYONE EVER ASKS YOU WHAT TIME IT IS PUT ON SHADES AND SAY “ITS SHOWTIME”
Spell check changed “important” to “impotent” so basically I have a meeting in the morning that can’t get it up.
When you’re eating chips and dip there’s always the search for the “strong” chip to head into the dip to save the broken, weaker chips dying in the dip.
Murder is like art, as long as you can bullshit your way into justifying it, someone out there will be like “oh yeah, I totally get it.”
My right eye is twitching like it’s at some kind of techno dance party that the rest of me wasn’t invited to.
they should remove the sex scenes from movies and then put them all into one big super sex scene movie they can show in theaters at the end of the year
celebrating pi day by not knowing when to stop
[getting yelled at by a stranger] whatever you’re just mad because i’m in your chimney
Starting a new job today.
I’m not sure what company, but it’s wherever this lady with the giant box of donuts is going.
“More people are killed by toasters than sharks”. So if you’re swimming in the ocean and see a toaster, you’re in big trouble.
My kids have enough energy to run 10,000 laps around the house but get tired walking around the block.
I call bullshit.
Ladies, the day after Halloween don’t forget to buy all the discounted blood capsules to keep in your mouth for when men tell you to smile.
Me: Babe, you are the one. The one I will fight with.
Wife: Don’t you mean for?
Me: Sure. That too.
Before I got an iPhone all I heard from my husband was how “intuitive” their products were. And I couldn’t help wishing they made spouses.
My sister teaches 1st grade. A boy in her class had a tantrum and screamed “I hate you!” and she gently replied “I know. It doesn’t matter.”
SHOPPER: which aisle has applesauce?
ME: oh, I don’t work here
*continues changing all the cheese Best If Purchased By dates to my name*
In my experience, the best way to get herd immunity is to go up and punch the biggest cow in the field right in the face. Those other cows won’t touch you bro. I haven’t gotten shit off a cow in three years now.
The only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the street the crap is placed.
[first day as lawyer]
me: obj—
judge: —shut up noob
[slug spy] you’ll never take me alive *bites salt capsule*