I think we now have enough evidence to know that abolishing billionaires is a public health issue. It’s inhumane to let anyone suffer the brain damage caused by that kind of money
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Can’t tell who liked my tweet so from here on out, I will assume every like is coming from my crush.
[2021]
One smoker left in the world. The Quit Smoking ads get personal.
HEY KEVIN, STOP SMOKING. YOU STINK. YOUR WIFE SAYS YOU NEED VIAGRA.
How dare you say I’m crazy on the eve of my cats wedding
How long do you think Samara from The Ring has been waiting for someone else to watch that videotape now?
The most romantic movie of all time is definitely Pixar’s UP. That old man really loved his house.
They made everything too expensive I have no choice but to become a rich celeb now
There is no greater evil in this world than somebody who DMs you a picture of their moist slice of cake…knowing that you have no cake.
If you’re a squatter, every day is leg day.
And then come the thinkpieces. “ARE Cats Really iPhones?” “Why Telling People Who Think Cats Are iPhones They’re Wrong Isn’t the Answer”
Blending in with the normals like:
Her: A baby! Oh he’s so cute I want to pinch his cheeks! Can I hold him?
Her: Oh my God I could just eat him up!
Me: I also wish to cannibalize the infant
Sometimes I just start counting and hope the person talking to me will go hide.
Building contractors don’t want your help, Annie, even when you offer them your Altoids tin full of brads.
Of course people can change. I used to hate true crime but now I actively participate in giving shows content.
If cauliflower can be pizza and zucchini can be noodles then you too can be anything you want.
Me: What do you want to do tonight?
Husband: I was thinking we could do what all those young people talk about and Netflix and —
Me: *already asleep*
I couldn’t figure out how I cut my arm but then I realized I brushed arms with the guy with the barbwire tattoo.
they should invent more hobbies for people without skills or patience
why is it that if you say your favorite food is “spaghetti” you sound like a three year old, but if you say some shit like “vermicelli” i’m like “woah this guy probably goes to the opera”
“Well, first I was afraid… Then I was petrified…”
– Dinosaur explaining how he didn’t survive
Kicked out of the aquarium for trying to sneak in a big straw
Fool me once, shame on you.
Fool me twice, shame on me.
Fool me 53 times a day, you’re an Instagram filter.
That kid looks like me. Somebody should warn him.
“I just cleared out some freezer space” sounds way more productive than “I just polished off a bag of tater tots”.
What’s the name of that drink? “The Will Smith”?
The letter n always has to be the centre of attention.
My plans: 2020:
When I was little, my mom would read my fortune cookie. It would say things like, “Never lie about brushing your teeth or they will fall out,” or “Don’t play with Hanna, she’s not a nice girl,” or “Tomorrow you’re getting shots, don’t cry.”
#LiesYourParentsToldYou
The rare times my cat approaches me for affection, I run away and hide under the bed so she knows what that feels like.
When you grab your toddlers blanket out of the dryer make sure to check that your panties aren’t stuck to it before your toddler goes into school. I know this now.