I think we see so many men with long beards nowadays because nobody can afford those Gillette replacement blades.
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Battle of the bird feeder
Husband – 3
Squirrels – 85,678
tfw you’re leaving the party but nobody notices
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
AUDIOBOOK ENGINEER: Out loud.
ME: Oh.
You owe a corporation money: one member of your family will be drone strike’d daily until the debt is repaid
Corporation owes you money: if you can answer the mysterious hermit’s three riddles, the first of 80 payments in Indonesian rupiah will be made within 12-16 weeks
I told someone I was 30 and they said “that’s okay.”
Hello lamppost, whatcha knowin’? I come to watc–
Lamppost: Nice scarf princess.
This Job Fair sucks, it doesn’t even have rides.
Irrational fear 807: being spoken to by a comedian during their performance. I would die a thousand proverbial deaths and a single real one.
Few things create body issues like a hotel pool towel
Actual text from 17 y/o son:
kin u com bi nd swoop me?
I hope he means hit him with my car, because that’s the plan
When my teacher used to say, use your inside voices I used to get confused, I always used my inside voices and they always got me in trouble.
Nobody talks about Jesus’ miracle of having 12 close friends in his 30s
83 yo man, “You speak pretty good English for a Chinese girl”. Me: “I’m caucasian”. Him, “Well, any kind of Asian looks Chinese to me”.
If I’ve learned anything from Disney, it’s this:
If you happen across a woman’s corpse, in the forest? Kiss it.
I locked myself out of my office twice already today. I guess Mercury definitely in rubbermaid.
In space, no one can hear…
Still no power, and it looks like it’ll be off at least a few more days. So, it’s Mexican takeout by candlelight. Just like the original 12 wise men.
“If you gaze long into a bisque, the bisque also gazes into you.” – Philosophical soup kitchen chef
My car is making strange noises but it’s just me singing.
Me: finally drifting off to sleep
The alarm: you’re not gonna believe this
Boss : Why Are You Late?
She : Heavy Traffic
Boss : Is that my fault?
She : Did I Blame You
I read poetry the way it was meant to be read. from a small book while sitting under a tree in my ruffly blue dress, not knowing my handsome suitor is watching
My wife is listening to an ad about chainsaws. I’m worried.
Don’t waste your hard earned money on escape rooms when you can simply walk into an Ikea the wrong way.
me: welcome to todays episode of cribs! this crib has a bouncy castle, lets check it out
[45 mins later]
camera man: should we see other stuff now?
me: *out of breath* no
(Shoots my husband in the eye with a Waterpik)
Me: How do you like it?
white people writing latinos in fics: i kissed my ten brothers and sisters goodbye and stepped out of my pueblo on the way to school. i blast gasolina in my headphones as i walk past the mariachi band. sometimes it’s hard para me to creer because i olvidar a switch languages
even bears disappoint their mothers
my street gang has been walking down the street snapping our fingers in unison for like 3 days, we all forgot why we were doing it
I wish I had the confidence of someone publicly donning a cloak