Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Walked into a spider web and did an hour of tai chi in five seconds.

I feel like HGTV is creating some false expectations for the attractiveness of the contractor you hire for home renovations.

Hey ladies, No Shave November ain’t for you. Just saw some gal lookin’ like she was tryin’ to smuggle a cactus in her yoga pants. Merica.

I put cucumbers, lemons, lime, and mint leaves in my water today thinking I was fancy…my one student gonna yell out and say “Ms. Luck got a salad in her water”
*students erupt in laughter*

thinking about this

So, apparently, “My old girlfriend liked it!” isn’t a good defense when your significant other doesn’t like the Taco Bell gift certificate you got her for Valentine’s.

[Vegan Conference]

Announcer: While we await our key speaker, please talk among yourselves

Vegan: I’m a vegan

Vegan2: I’m also a vegan

A friend handed my 7yo a coloring page as a gift, and my kid looked at it and muttered jesus christ. So I thought oh no I better watch how I talk around him, then he flipped it over and showed me…baby jesus

Cop: Save it for the JUDGE!
Crook:Ok
*crook wraps up last slice of pizza in foil*
Lawyer: it’s too bad the judge had to miss our pizza party

[yelling over the music to club DJ]

ME: YOU DONT HAVE TO HOLD THOSE HEADPHONES UP TO ONE EAR THEY GO ON YOUR HEAD THEY’RE CALLED HEADPHONES

Robbing a bank and getting away in a hot air balloon is on my bucket list.

*golf pro picks up his ball and eats it*

*audience claps politely*

Stalkers drive by your house…
I actively pursue my passion and show up with tacos and beer.

an artist’s interpretation of the moment I realized there was no cat food in the cupboard

text from my dad when lebron broke the record

When I moved into my new igloo, my friends threw me a surprise house-warming party.
Now I’m homeless.

#dadjokes #dadjoke #puns

People don’t disappear in the Bermuda Triangle like they used to.

Has anyone tried switching it off and back on again?

“Just make sure Nazis NEVER march with tiki torches. I’m trying to save Germany, not Gilligan’s Island.” — Hitler’s last words

This is probably going to sound really gay, but the sunset is GORGEOUS right now and I love making out with dudes.

[Interview with a Vampire]

Interviewer: hah, your resume says ‘bleedership skills’, what a funny typo!

Vampire: *nervously tapping fingers, not making eye contact*

According to my credit card statement Amazon is a hobby

the three branches of government

*queen’s gambit*

dad: knight takes queen

daughter: *3D prints new queen*

I told my husband no less than thrice not to get red delicious apples because they are not, in fact, delicious, so you all know what he came home with

You’re never too old to ride inside of a shopping cart…

No matter what the store manager says.

Thanks to Target’s full length 3 way mirrors, I’m now painfully aware I look like a melting candle from the back.

We do this thing at my house where somebody puts an empty pizza box on top of the trash can and then someone else puts trash on top of that and then another person puts trash on top of that and suddenly we’re all playing jenga in reverse

Here’s the complete list of must have items for a middle aged woman when travelling away from home:

– Tweezers

can we get some a.i. to pick plastic out of the ocean or do all the robots need to be screenwriters?

what most people dont know is that you can use the trick or treat system to get large amounts of candy for free