@KentWGraham

I think we see so many men with long beards nowadays because nobody can afford those Gillette replacement blades.

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@Fun_Beard

What idiot called it a contraction and not a birthquake?

@chewlongkok_

Me: C’mon, baby. Just the tip?

Her: No!

Me: Awww, cmon!

Her: No, you’re paying the whole bill this time.

@Adar79Angie

If I had to list one thing I’m truly outstanding at I think it would be ripping open resealable bags so they are no longer sealable.

@MetteAngerhofer

Marital Status: My husband is mad at me because I cheered for the wrong college football team.

@pittdave13

*Playing pirates with my kids
“I bet if we photo copy the CD cover and use it, we can sell these for more”

@lawyerthoughts

Just when I think I’m 100% against the death penalty, I see a bright yellow hummer taking up two parking spots.

@truegritrumble

*trying to awkwardly start a conversation with my barber* I ALSO like scissors.

@thejacquio

Turns out if you scream for no reason long enough, you get the rest of the day off from work.

@AimeeHelene1

Friend: Who’s that?
Me: Oh…that’s crazy Kathy.
F: Why do you call her that? Is she funny or something?
Me: No. She eats hair.