What idiot called it a contraction and not a birthquake?
I think we see so many men with long beards nowadays because nobody can afford those Gillette replacement blades.
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Me: C’mon, baby. Just the tip?
Me: Awww, cmon!
Her: No, you’re paying the whole bill this time.
If I had to list one thing I’m truly outstanding at I think it would be ripping open resealable bags so they are no longer sealable.
Marital Status: My husband is mad at me because I cheered for the wrong college football team.
*Playing pirates with my kids
“I bet if we photo copy the CD cover and use it, we can sell these for more”
Just when I think I’m 100% against the death penalty, I see a bright yellow hummer taking up two parking spots.
I’ve saved $7982 in movie theater popcorn by switching to Covid
*trying to awkwardly start a conversation with my barber* I ALSO like scissors.
Turns out if you scream for no reason long enough, you get the rest of the day off from work.
Friend: Who’s that?
Me: Oh…that’s crazy Kathy.
F: Why do you call her that? Is she funny or something?
Me: No. She eats hair.