@KentWGraham

I think we see so many men with long beards nowadays because nobody can afford those Gillette replacement blades.

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@treadmilld

Someone just honked their horn to get me out of my parking space quicker so now we will both be here until we’re dead.

@MartaEffing

*hears suspicious noise in backyard, is too lazy to get up & investigate*

*smells cookies baking at neighbors house, immediately goes over*

@hazelmotes1

If my son’s science project is to see how annoying he can be before I kill him then he’s almost done.

@heyevergreen

Dance like nobody’s watching. Sing like nobody’s listening. Walk around the party eating the cheeseball like an apple.

@jonnysun

remeber: you hav the same number of hours in the day as this tree. and how much oxygen hav u produced? oh none? oh u CONSUMED OXYGEN!?!???

@shutupmikeginn

Sea turtles happened when god got stoned one night and wondered what would happen if a frisbee was a lizard.

@rachelle_mandik

Whenever I hear a lady in the next stall trying to unwrap a tampon as quietly as possible I yell, “HEY, IS THAT CANDY? CAN I HAVE SOME?”

@KeetPotato

[the long awkward silence between me and my date is suddenly broken by the sound of toast popping out the toaster]
me: “dinner is served”

@daveexplosm

If God hates gays so much, why didn’t he put it in the ten commandments? Instead he’s more pissed that you’re jealous of your friend’s PS4

@IamEnidColeslaw

“911, what is your emergency?”
I got stuck in a beaded curtain
“Again?”
SEND HELP