I think we see so many men with long beards nowadays because nobody can afford those Gillette replacement blades.
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Me: ‘What’s on your menu?’
Restaurant Website: ‘Hahaha! Wouldn’t YOU like to know!’
Me: ‘Yes?’
RW: ‘Our chef trained in London.’
Me: ‘Cool, but what do you actually-’
RW: ‘Local ingredients are so important to us.’
Me: ‘Please, I just-’
RW: ‘RELAX IN OUR LAID-BACK ATMOSPHERE.’
I just used Quandary in casual conversation, like some sort of philosophical genius, and everyone laughed and then I ran back to my computer to make sure I used it correctly and I did, so you may call me Professor.
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
me: [lays trail of petals directly to the bed] she’ll love this
midwife: she won’t
Men, please quit wishing for the perfect woman for Christmas. Three times this week Santa Claus tried to kidnap me.
nothing makes me happier than searching “colon” on twitter and seeing all the people who have misspelled cologne…
“can we play our computers on the plane?”
bro, you and your sister can give each other face tattoos for all I care, just leave me alone
me: want to go hunting this weekend?
friend: sure i’m game.
me: oh then you probably shouldn’t come.
Boomers: People are too sensitive and need to toughen up
Millennials: People need to care more and help each other out
Gen X: Die Hard is a Christmas movie
Simply Red’s piano player just couldn’t be arsed
It’s funny when you tell someone that you don’t like people, they always think you mean other people.
I have a black cat called Blackie and a fish called Fishface, so I get it guy who named the Walkie talkie.
90% of my life is convincing others that I, an idiot, am not an idiot.
The other 10% is using my phone’s flashlight to help me find my phone.
Doctors who give out lollipops really treat their patients
Me: If I were you, I’d confront your boss
Friend: You would?
Me: I wouldn’t. If I were you, I would. If it were me, I’d do what you’re doing
How amazing is it that nobody in the same Kingdom as Cinderella , had the same sized feet as her ?
She should play the lottery too !
“I see you’ve been eating whatever you want and not exercising.” -Clothes
I’m white, but not “my kitchen island is so big it has its own zip code” white
What happens in Vegas shows up on your credit card statement the following month.
[first day as a soldier]
ME: whoa i almost stepped on a land grenadeSARGE: mine
ME: whoa i almost stepped on your land grenade
I just locked eyes with a man at the gym. Was it because of his massive muscles? His perfect sun kissed tan topped with nicely placed tattoos? Was it his large hands and feet? No. It was because he was eating a Caramel Apple Pop and I didn’t know you could still buy those.
One time I was out with a guy and he needed new jeans so he opened up maps and just typed in “pants”
Shopping with my 12 y/o daughter and she said she was done with the Christmas music at the stores already.
“You don’t trick-or-treat a week after Halloween. Time to move on, people.”
My son: little pig, little pig, let me in!
Me: Ok first of all, rude because, yes, I have been eating more lately, no need to get personal son
My son: say your line mummy!
Me: not by the hair of my ch- OK I’M NOT PLAYING ANYMORE
Instead of cars having a warning light that reads “DOOR AJAR”, I think the warning light should say “DOOR’S OPEN, DUMMY.” Then if it’s not shut soon, “YOU’RE GONNA FALL OUT & GET RUN OVER, IDIOT.” Then after a little more time, “NEVER MIND. LEAVE IT OPEN. THIN THE HERD. MORON.”
An octopus can get so stressed
out – it will actually eat itself.Octopuses call that “leg day.”
Be the reason why your priest speaks in a dead language at your exorcism.
Weird how my husband is so adamant about not having more animals for someone who’s going to own more animals.
it’s so annoying, guys want you to have crazy sex, but they don’t want you to be crazy
We have 3 bathrooms at our new home, the master, the kid’s, and the spider bathroom, so we have 2 bathrooms.