I think we see so many men with long beards nowadays because nobody can afford those Gillette replacement blades.

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Someone just honked their horn to get me out of my parking space quicker so now we will both be here until we’re dead.


*hears suspicious noise in backyard, is too lazy to get up & investigate*

*smells cookies baking at neighbors house, immediately goes over*


If my son’s science project is to see how annoying he can be before I kill him then he’s almost done.


Dance like nobody’s watching. Sing like nobody’s listening. Walk around the party eating the cheeseball like an apple.


remeber: you hav the same number of hours in the day as this tree. and how much oxygen hav u produced? oh none? oh u CONSUMED OXYGEN!?!???


Sea turtles happened when god got stoned one night and wondered what would happen if a frisbee was a lizard.


Whenever I hear a lady in the next stall trying to unwrap a tampon as quietly as possible I yell, “HEY, IS THAT CANDY? CAN I HAVE SOME?”


[the long awkward silence between me and my date is suddenly broken by the sound of toast popping out the toaster]
me: “dinner is served”


If God hates gays so much, why didn’t he put it in the ten commandments? Instead he’s more pissed that you’re jealous of your friend’s PS4


“911, what is your emergency?”
I got stuck in a beaded curtain