I think we should elect Bernie. When Isis hears a Jew is president they will all have heart attacks and die.
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“Don’t boil lobsters, because they can feel pain” say scientists from National Institute For Boiling Every Animal Alive To Work Out If They Like It Or Not
My kids each place a toy on the checkout counter and hand the cashier a few plastic gold coins from home. The cashier smiles, I give a wink. She gets on the speaker: “Security, register 4.” They are cuffed & arrested for using counterfeit money. Time to learn about consequences.
[new coffee shop]
DAY 1
barista: name?
me: Pru
b: order for Prune!DAY 2
m: Pru. P-R-U
b: Poo!DAY 3
m: JANE… MY NAME’S JANE
me: i wish for good health, to be rich, and finally….for your freedom
therapist: once again i am not a genie but you being here is starting to make more sense
The Earth is 70% uncarbonated water
Therefore the Earth is flat.
When I have kids I’m gonna tell them drugs are good for them.
It’s the only way I can be sure they won’t try them.
My brain: I will not pick this pimple
My brain: I will not pick this pimple
My brain: I will not pick this pimpleMy fingers: so we did a thing
The worst thing about coming home from a trip isn’t unpacking, it’s the looming threat of nuclear war
6 year old: I ate all my lunch today!!
The evidence to the contrary:
i never understood why we had to blow on the nintendo cartridge before eating it
[restaurant]
DATE: Tell me something naughty about youME [loudly chewing lobster] I haven’t brought any money
When one door closes another one opens. … Or you could just re-open the closed door. Because that’s how doors work…!!
me: raising kids is the most rewarding thing you’ll ever do
kidnapper: just pay the ransom, I’m not keeping them
I haven’t been to the gym in months. I wonder if all the pudding cups in my locker have spoiled?
Before the invention of the automobile, you had to put roller skates on your horse
Good morning ☺️
“Florida is insane.” Bro, we ain’t even trying right now. Imagine how powerful we would be if we all had dental insurance.
Me: I picked up Oliver from doggy daycare.(talking to dog) I’d never forget you. No I wouldn’t.
Husband: Did you pick up the kids from your mom’s house?
Me: …Kids?
Calling someone a drama queen is so negative. Why not “content creator”?
I told my grandmother to act her age…. then she died.
Every day I go to work and draw a little tick on everyone who didn’t say goodbye to me the day before.
If this virus gets any more toxic I’ll probably end up dating it.
It infuriates my wife to see our stuff on the kitchen floor for a few hours but she’s totally fine with a table and chairs being there all year long.
Girlfriend: *whispering* Have you ever thought of getting rid of that mole?
Me: He may be blind, but he’s not deaf
someone described my girlfriend’s skin as “sun-kissed” recently and now the sun’s about to catch these hands
Her: Oh, you brought me flowers!
Me: Yes, one of the many benefits of living next door to a graveyard…
Who called it ‘The Last Supper’ and not ‘Jesus take the meal’
you just know somebody’s being called by their full name right now
Tell me you get it…🤣
Just drank two 5-Hour Energy shots. Will I get 10 hours of energy? And why is that rainbow giggling at me? AndAHH MY SKIN IS ON INSIDE-OUT!