I think we should elect Bernie. When Isis hears a Jew is president they will all have heart attacks and die.
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Each year I get invited to go on vacation with the same group of annoying people but I can’t say no because they’re my husband & children.
I have faith in unanswered prayers, unless I am stepping on the scale.
Fight Club but it’s just 19 and 16 duking it out over who takes “their” car—the one neither of them paid for
My wife and I have been happily married for two years. 1997 & 2004
[Joseph checking in to hotel]
“Is there WiFi?”
Only in the stable
*later to Virgin Mary*
“Honey, hotel was booked. Gotta stay in the stable”
Overheard in the jewelry shop:
“I swallowed for this??”
Important reminders
You ever been talking to a genuinely stupid person and think “good for him. You know what keeps this guy up at night? Not a God damn thing”
Me, being chased by an angry mob with torches and pitchforks: Are you guys mad at me?
The worst thing about switching from Android to an iPhone is the almond milk.
When I was younger I was into athletics. I miss the guys from the 4x400m relay team. We ran in the same circles.
Smooth Criminal: I use a razor
Smoother Criminal: I get laser treatments
Smoothest Criminal: *it’s just an Asian guy laughing at them both*
My husband is putting the clean dishes away from the dishwasher so I need to leave the house to avoid damage to my eardrums
My dream of making Playboy gone, so my best bet is National Geographic photographing me naked, carrying water on my head.
[evil villain turns around in chair to confront adversary but spins too fast and does two complete revolutions before talking]
Just found the worst page in the entire dictionary. What I saw was disgraceful, disgusting, dishonest, and disingenuous.
My toxic trait is that I answer “spam likely” calls, because maybe I can fix them.
Accidentally took my mother’s id to the polling station and committed voter freud.
Them: Ma’am, we received your Aisles On-line order and we’re just calling to question what seems to be a discrepancy in your order.
Me: I did indeed order 30 packages of bacon if that’s what you’re referring to.
The baby gets furious when I try to undress him.
He gets that from his mother.
Whoever designated mini cupcakes as “two-bite” has greatly underestimated my #cupcake eating abilities.
When I find out you work in the medical profession, no matter the capacity, I will ask you to look at this rash. Just to annoy you
Hey Joe, don’t think we can use this ad.
Why not? We’re roofers.
Yes, but “Hot shingles in your area looking to get nailed” seems extreme.
I’ve been leaving in 5 minutes for the past 3 hours.
“…so when the plane crashed, we had to do the unthinkable to survive.”
“Eat human corpses?”
[flashback to eating quinoa]
“Y…yes.”
The cell connection was bad so either your daughter is going to Yale or to jail. Either way, hope she’s out in five years or less.
How can I say no to this ?
just go to Settings → Privacy → Data → Do NOT Grind My Bones To Make Your Bread
make sure its switched to “on”
Patient: What is this?! Are you playing stupid with me girly?!
Me: I don’t play stupid
*slams fist on table* I EXCEL AT IT
Patient, now panicking: Wait what?
I feel like this would increase accidents because if I saw that I would assume it’s a demon arriving to drag my soul to hell.
